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Doc with No Name
Episode 181

The Doc With No Name

Written By David Adler

GEORGE

Let me ask you something.

JERRY

Go ahead.

GEORGE

What exactly is bologna? (Pronounced Ba-lone-E)

JERRY

I don't really know. I'll tell you something though; that lunchmeat scene is a wild place. All kinds of meats coming together, trying new things. Salami's with Pastrami, Chicken's with Corned Beef. The deli's like a swingers club for cold cuts. It kind of freaks me out.

GEORGE

Isn't there a place called Bologna?

JERRY

Yeah. Next to, uh, Turkey.

GEORGE

And they pronounce it Bologna?

JERRY

Yeah.

GEORGE

So what's the difference?

JERRY

I think it's the ham.

GEORGE

Why do things have to be so complicated? Why can't they just come right out and tell you what you're eating?

JERRY

(Blows his nose and throws away the Kleenex)

GEORGE

What are you doing?

JERRY

What? I'm blowing my nose.

GEORGE

So what, one blow and that's it? Garbage. Don't you have pockets?

JERRY

Why do I even talk to you?

GEORGE

So what are you doing this weekend?

JERRY

I've got Gorman's wedding. Aren't you invited?

GEORGE

Yeah. I don't know if I'm gonna go though.

JERRY

You've got to go. You're my man there. I don't know any of those people. What am I going to do the whole time? Who am I going to talk to?

GEORGE

You'll circulate.

JERRY

Oh, I can't circulate. I'm no good at circulating. It's the small-talk, I just never mastered it. I mean I know sports, but that's about it. If the conversation isn't about how the Mets played, I'm done!

GEORGE

It's tough to feign interest. You've got to be really focussed on not listening to what the other person is saying. It requires a tremendous amount of concentration. Almost as much as actually having an adult conversation.

JERRY

Yeah, but you do it.

GEORGE

Hey, I feign with the best of them. But it took years of hard work and bad manners.

JERRY

Well you've got to go.

GEORGE

You know, I really hate going places. I realized that today. Seeing all those people I know. That really doesn't interest me. I don't want to talk to them. Why do they want to talk to me?

JERRY

Desperation.

GEORGE

Everyone always wants to know what you do. "So, what do you do?" I DO. That's what I do. Wait a second! You've got Kramer. Kramer's going to be there! There's your man. Kramer.

JERRY

I don't know. Kramer at parties is like a different person. He's chatting it up with everyone. He's like a dilettante.

GEORGE

You know... I'm taking my... mother?

JERRY

Your mother? Why?

GEORGE

My father hurt his back salsa dancing. He can't get out of bed. My parents are good friends with the Gormans. They bowl together.

JERRY

So what are you going to do?

GEORGE

I guess I'll go.

JERRY

Thank you. I owe you one.

GEORGE

Alright. But I'm collecting this time. It's not like that funeral you dragged me to. It rained the whole time. My socks got wet. It ruined my whole day.

So you never answered me, what are you doing this weekend?

JERRY

I told you...

GEORGE

Besides the wedding.

JERRY

I don't know. I think I'm going to go and buy some new shoes.

GEORGE

Why, your old ones broke?

JERRY

I don't think they have any moving parts.

GEORGE

So what am I supposed to say? Did they rip?

JERRY

Do they have to be absolutely in tatters before I can buy a new pair?

GEORGE

Jerry, I've had these shoes for the past 20 years. You've got to be loyal. You find something, and stick with it.

JERRY

Really. How has that worked out for you?

Kramer Enters

KRAMER

Jerry, where do you keep your whistles?

JERRY

In the fridge. Next to the milk.

KRAMER

In the fridge?

GEORGE

What do you need a whistle for?

KRAMER

I'm coaching Mickey's basketball team. You know our first game is today.

GEORGE

Mickey? The little guy?

JERRY

Little guy? Aren't you supposed to call them midgets?

GEORGE

So what's a dwarf?
JERRY

To tell you the truth, I'm not really an expert on the subject.

KRAMER

Jerry, there aren't any whistles in here.

JERRY

Really, I just picked up a case last week.

KRAMER

Alright, I've got to get going. You don't have any shorts do you?

JERRY

Not for you.

KRAMER

OK. But I'm taking the milk.
Kramer Exits

GEORGE

I thought the whole point of the game was to get as close to the basket as possible.

JERRY

Well what do you want them to do, wear stilts?

GEORGE

Hey, I'm just saying.

JERRY

Shouldn't you be at work?

GEORGE

I called in sick this morning. I said I had the measles.

JERRY

Measles? Couldn't you think of anything better than that?

GEORGE

No, Jerry. The measles are perfect. I go in Monday and, hey, it was just a rash.

JERRY

How do you still have a job?

GEORGE

I know where to draw the line. I can go right up to that thing, put one foot over, and drag myself back. I'm like a tightrope walker.

JERRY

A tightrope walker? You're just a liar. How much of what you say over the course of any given day is made up?

GEORGE

Whatever I think I can get away with.

JERRY

Aren't you afraid that someone's going to find out?

GEORGE

Look at me. My fiance died licking poison envelopes. Do your worst.

JERRY

Alright, I'm just saying.

GEORGE

You don't think I can go a day

without lying? You don't think I can, do you?

JERRY

You're lying right now, aren't you?

GEORGE

No. Alright! What good is truth? What has the truth ever accomplished? Wars are fought over the truth.

JERRY

Well, you don't have to lie about everything.

GEORGE

You want me to start telling the truth, Jerry? Cause I'll start telling the truth.

JERRY

Well, I don't know if I want.

GEORGE

OK! OK! So you're betting me that I can't go a day without lying?

JERRY

Didn't I see this in a movie?

GEORGE

You're not betting me that I can't go a day without lying! You're not betting me that? Cause I'll do it Jerry. I'll tell the truth. Oh, that's it, the bet is on.

JERRY

Did I miss something. Where are you going?

GEORGE

To the washroom. I had three oranges for breakfast. Are you happy?

JERRY

Yes. I am.

GEORGE

Oh!

Elaine Enters

JERRY

Hey! How about a knock?

ELAINE

Really? Are you serious?

JERRY

No.

ELAINE

Hey, is my date here yet?

JERRY

You're bringing your dates here now. What is it, the new menus?

ELAINE

We're just meeting, then we're going to the opera.

JERRY

Oh, the opera. I didn't know they had matinees.

ELAINE

Well they do. And I'm going.

George Returns

JERRY

So who is bachelor 24601?

ELAINE

I met him at the grocery store. In the produce section.

JERRY

Ah, the produce section. The erogenous zone of the supermarket.

ELAINE

He was checking out the cantaloupes. I helped him pick a good one.

JERRY

What, did you knock on it?

GEORGE

Knock on it? You're supposed to roll it. If it goes left, it's good.

JERRY

Right. That's what you want to be doing, putting the fruit on the floor.

ELAINE

Anyway, he's a doctor.

JERRY

Oh, a doctor. Congratulations.

GEORGE

He's not a podiatrist is he? You know, I got in to podiatry school.

ELAINE

No, he's a neurosurgeon.

JERRY

You mean he's a brain surgeon?

ELAINE

Yeah.

JERRY

Do you know what this means?

ELAINE

No, what?

JERRY

He's a brain surgeon. You know when

people say, "oh, you don't have to be a brain surgeon," he can tell them he is.

GEORGE

It's like going to Harvard.

JERRY

Exactly. Or being a rocket scientist.

ELAINE

Well, that doesn't matter to me. I'm not superficial.

Buzzer Sounds

THE DR

Hi, it's Dr. Watson.

JERRY

Come on up. (To Elaine) Dr. Watson!

ELAINE

Yeah, just like Sherlock Holmes.

JERRY

Watson AND a brain surgeon. Well it's elementary Elaine my dear, you might have hit the jackpot.

GEORGE

Hey, how do you pick a good bottle of wine? I was never good at these kind of things.

JERRY

I think you just look for the most expensive one.

ELAINE

No, no. You've got to look at the year. 1996. That's a good year.

JERRY

Didn't you get your tonsils out in 1996?

Doctor Enters

THE DR

Hello.

ELAINE

Jerry, this is Michael. The brain surgeon.

JERRY

Hi. Hey, Mike, let me ask you something; how do you pick a good bottle of wine?

THE DR

Doctor.

JERRY

Sorry?

THE DR

It's Doctor. You said "Mike."

JERRY

Well isn't that your name?

THE DR

Yes. But I did graduate from medical school.

JERRY

So everyone calls you doctor?

THE DR

Everyone calls me doctor.

JERRY

What about your parents?

THE DR

They call me doctor.

JERRY

Your parents call you doctor?

THE DR

That's right.

GEORGE

I just remembered I've got to go. I'm having my tires rotated. They really hate it when you're late.

George Exits

JERRY

Well, sorry I guess. So Elaine tells me you're a brain surgeon.

THE DR

Yes I am.

JERRY

And you went to Harvard?

THE DR

Yes I did. Great school. Lots of ivy.

JERRY

Do you find that people expect more from you since you went to Harvard? I mean, if you're in the room and Jeopardy comes on, do they expect you to win?

THE DR

Elaine I think we should go. We're going to miss the curtain.

JERRY

Oh, you don't want to miss the curtain. All that velvet.

THE DR

(Doesn't say goodbye, but looks at Jerry)
SCENE 2- ON THE STREET

GEORGE

So he gave you the brush-off?

JERRY

The old cold shoulder. No hello OR goodbye!

GEORGE

Doctor! Who does he think he is? I hate doctors. Alright, you're a doctor. So what? People with titles really bother me. When did we start calling people by their profession? Hey, there's garbageman Joe. Hey, look. It's butcher Andy. Hello butcher. Lovely weather we're getting.

JERRY

He kept on giving me one word answers to everything I said. It was really annoying.

GEORGE

Well he's a doctor. They've got to get to the point. You don't want the whole story, to be in that little room all day. Positive or negative, that's their focus.

JERRY

Well I'll tell you one thing. I will never call that guy doctor.

GEORGE

Hey, I didn't even say hello to him.

JERRY

I noticed that. What's going on?

GEORGE

It's a new thing. No respect for anyone. If I don't like it, I'm not doing it.

JERRY

Really? Well you don't respect yourself, why anyone else?

GEORGE

For my whole life I've wanted to flaunt social customs. Yesterday I realized, why not?

JERRY

So Blondin, you're off the tightrope.

GEORGE

For now. I don't want to make any commitments. I can see this whole thing backfiring.

JERRY

Well, flaunt away. So where are we going?

GEORGE

I've got to buy shampoo.

JERRY

You've got to buy shampoo?

GEORGE

Yeah!

JERRY

What do you go through, a bottle a decade?

GEORGE

Hey, I've got hair.

JERRY

You know they sell shampoo in the city? You didn't have to make me drive you all the way out to Queens.

GEORGE

This is the only place that sells the kind I like. It has vitamins and minerals... or something.

JERRY

Your hair is quite satiny.

GEORGE

Hey, do you see that guy?

JERRY

Who?

GEORGE

The guy over there in front of the drug store.

JERRY

With the neon pants?

GEORGE

Yeah. He looks familiar.

JERRY

I don't know him. The neon is a nice touch though.

GEORGE

I hate seeing people I know. Lets turn around. C'mon.

JERRY

What? It took 45 minutes to get here. You're gonna go all the way back just to avoid this guy?

GEORGE

I'll do anything to avoid people. I'm not a people-person.

JERRY

No, you're more of an insane person.

GEORGE

Oh my God. He's looking over here.

Look the other way!

JERRY

It's too late. He sees us.

LARRY

George?

GEORGE

Larry?

LARRY

It's been a long time.

GEORGE

Yes it has. Yes it has.

LARRY

Why are you repeating yourself? I heard you the first time.

GEORGE

Oh. Sorry.

LARRY

Who's this?

GEORGE

Jerry. Seinfeld.

JERRY

Hi.

GEORGE

He's a friend of Gorman's actually. Jerry, this is Gorman's brother, Larry.

JERRY

Oh, Larry! Hi Larry. (Puts emphasis on "Larry" to show how calling people by their name is acceptable)

LARRY

You gonna be at the wedding?

GEORGE

Yeah, actually we both are.

LARRY

What are you doing down here, buying a present? You know they registered? You know what I bought them? Huh. A crock pot. I don't even know what you do with those things. Make potatoes.

GEORGE

Ha ha. Well, I'm just getting some shampoo.

LARRY

For what?

GEORGE

Ha ha ha. Funny guy right here.

LARRY

George, I haven't seen you in a long time. We'll have dinner tonight. Me and you.

GEORGE

Hey, I'd love to, but...

LARRY

Mendy's. 8. It's in the city. You ever been to Mendy's Jerry?

JERRY

No, but I hear their soup is excellent.

LARRY

So George, I'll see you there?

GEORGE

Alright.

Larry Exits

JERRY

What happened to the flaunting?

GEORGE

Alright! I lied.

JERRY

I knew it.

GEORGE

Ugggh. I hate that guy.

JERRY

That was Gorman's brother? He kind

of looks like you.

GEORGE

Don't say that. You know this guy has been giving me fits. I keep hearing these stories about him, how bad off he is. You know when I was growing up, my parents used to tell people "at least he's not like Larry." I just spoke to my cousin and she was going on and on about this guy. He's a jerk, he's a loser, he's garbage. I've got news for her, no one is a bigger loser than me.

JERRY

If anyone is a disappointment, it's you.

GEORGE

That guy thinks he can go around with that sob story, telling everyone his luck couldn't get any worse. My luck couldn't get any worse. Who does he think he is? You know tonight, I'm gonna set him straight.

JERRY

Or scare him straight.

GEORGE

If this guy thinks he's so pathetic he's going to have to prove it. I'm not going gently into that good night my friend. Besides, I think he might be pulling a Gary Fogel.

JERRY

What, he pretended to have cancer?

GEORGE

Maybe. He lost his hair, but I think he just went bald. I was looking through some old pictures and I could see scalp. And if it was cancer how bad could it have been? He lived didn't he?

JERRY

So you're going to go out for dinner with this guy and accuse him of misrepresenting a potentially fatal disease?

GEORGE

He's telling people his wife left him. You know it's till death do us part. Not till I fake a life-threatening illness.

JERRY

Oh, you'll never go through with it. It's too dangerous. What if he's telling the truth?

GEORGE

What have I got to lose?

JERRY

Nothing. You've got nothing.

SCENE 3 - THE COFFEE SHOP

ELAINE

Hey, how are you getting to

Gorman's wedding this weekend?

JERRY

I'm driving.

ELAINE

Can you give me a lift? I was going to ask George...

JERRY

No! Don't tell George you're invited. If he knows you're going he won't come.

ELAINE

Don't tell me he's washing his hair.

JERRY

Oh, he wasn't going to go, but I told him I needed someone there to talk to. He really hates Gorman.

ELAINE

Why? He's such a nice guy.

JERRY
George?

ELAINE

No! Gorman.

JERRY

He's crazy.

ELAINE

What? But he's so nice.

JERRY

I know. You can be crazy-nice.

ELAINE

I thought there were only, you

know, crazy, crazy.

JERRY

Why can't there be crazy people who

are so good it's crazy. Like look

at that guy, he's helping that old

woman across the street. Now that

guy is crazy. Why do all crazy

people have to be maniacs?

ELAINE

Like obsessive compulsive disorder.

What if someone with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder had to donate money to charity like 10 times.

JERRY

Exactly.

ELAINE

Aren't you going to ask Sheila to go?

JERRY

I don't know. I think the relationship has kind of stalled.

ELAINE

How so?

JERRY

Well we were driving along, passed first gear, shifted into 3rd, then on the straightaway we went right into neutral.

ELAINE

I have no idea what you're talking about.

JERRY

She's a tease. Going on a date with her is like a sexual crash test. And you don't know what this woman did to George. I think she traumatized him for life.

ELAINE

What did she do?

JERRY

She sat on his lap once in high-school and he never got over it. It's like that scene in Citizen Kane where the guy's talking about the girl with the white parasol. He thinks about it every day. Why me? Why did she have to sit on my lap?

ELAINE

I've sat on a guy's lap before. I didn't know it was such a big deal.

JERRY

Elaine, any time that any part of woman comes in contact with IT, it's a big deal.

ELAINE

Really?

JERRY

I thought that was pretty obvious.

ELAINE

But it's not direct contact.

JERRY

It doesn't matter. It's a thin layer of cloth. You think that makes a difference? A pretty girl bumps into me on the street and I'm whistling Dixie all the live-long-day.

ELAINE

Well you really are quite the sophistique.

JERRY

Well... So what were you asking me about? A ride? Why don't you go with the good doctor?

ELAINE

He doesn't have a car.

JERRY

Can't afford one, eh?

ELAINE

He likes to walk. Says it's good for the brain.

JERRY

You don't hear too much about the brain these days. Like look at me. I'm so health conscious, but I never give my brain a second thought. It's pretty important to me, but it goes unnoticed.

ELAINE

Almost like it's not even there.

SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT

Conversation continues as they enter

JERRY

I'm telling you one thing, I can't

wait for the speeches.

ELAINE

Oh, I hate the speeches. The speeches are the worst. Blah, blah, blah, happiness, love, together forever. Blechh.

Toilet flushes and George exits the bathroom.

JERRY

Oranges?

GEORGE

Bran muffin.

JERRY

Anyway, you've never heard a Gorman speech.

GEORGE

What, you're talking about wedding speeches?

JERRY

Yeah.

GEORGE

Did you tell her about Gorman? Oh boy.

ELAINE

Why, what makes a Gorman speech so different from anyone else's?

JERRY

This guy is the worst public speaker. You know how your parents were always telling you to think before you speak? Well he doesn't think before, during, or after.

GEORGE

Remember Andy Fine's engagement party?

JERRY

That was bad.

ELAINE

What did he say?

JERRY

I don't even know if I can get the memory back. I've done so much to block it out. There are boxes of hangers piled on this thing.

ELAINE

I'm sure it couldn't have been so bad.

JERRY

George?

GEORGE

It was bad.

JERRY

You don't understand. This wasn't

just bad. People had to leave the room.

GEORGE

One guy passed out.

ELAINE

So what did he say?

JERRY

Oh, you know. All that stuff you say behind their back that you never want the person to hear. Like it'll never last. She could have done better.

GEORGE

Don't forget the shower.

ELAINE

What about the shower? The wedding shower?

JERRY

The shower. In the locker room. Certain observations he had made.

GEORGE

I keep my eyes closed in there. I'm like a mob hitman. I didn't see nothing.

ELAINE

That is bad.

GEORGE

He took the behind the back, and reversed it. Even I wouldn't do that.

JERRY

You can't reverse behind the back. Then it's face to face.

GEORGE

I can't do face-to-face.

JERRY

Who can?

ELAINE

Well, I mean I've heard bad toasts

before. Were there profanities?

JERRY

It was like a David Mamet play.

At one point there was even nudity.

ELAINE

And he's giving the toast.

JERRY

Yeah, I don't understand it.

ELAINE

Well, I guess I'll go.

GEORGE

Wait a second, Elaine's going.

JERRY

Umm, yeah.

GEORGE

Oh, this is just great. You really SUCKERED me into this one.

JERRY

Oh come on. What else did you have to do?

GEORGE

Are you trying to make this a question of convenience? I never have anything better to do. Why aren't I down at the hospital working with sick children? Because I'm a jerk, that's why.

ELAINE

So George, who are you taking?

JERRY

He's going with his...

GEORGE

Jerry...

JERRY

Mother.

ELAINE

Your mother.

GEORGE

Alright. Alright. My father can't go because of his back. It's not like I'm dating her.

SCENE- BASKETBALL GAME

(All the players are midgets)

RALPH

It's my ankle, I can't play.

MICKEY

Well we've only got 4 guys. We

can't play with 4 guys. We're gonna

have to forfeit.

KRAMER

No you're not. No, I don't forfeit.

MICKEY

Well what are we supposed to do?

KRAMER

I'm coming in.

MICKEY

You can't go in.

KRAMER

Why not?

MICKEY

You're too tall.

KRAMER

Well, we'll see about that.

(Montage of Kramer playing B-Ball against midgets. Blocking shots etc.)

SCENE - JERRY'S CAR

(Sheila is reaching into Jerry's pocket.)

JERRY

What are you doing?

SHEILA

I'm getting some gum.

JERRY

From my pocket?

SHEILA

Isn't that OK.

JERRY

Yeah, sure, it's OK.

SHEILA

I love this gum.

JERRY

You know it's French.

SHEILA

Really?

JERRY

No, I'm just kidding.

SHEILA

Oh.

JERRY

Hey, what does "original" taste like.

SHEILA

What are you talking about?

JERRY

You know, like gum. There's real flavours like cherry and wintergreen, and then there's original. What is the "original" taste.

SHEILA

I don't know. Gum I guess.

JERRY

So you're saying that the word

"original" is a flavour?

SHEILA

Colours can be flavours.

JERRY

I know. Red. Now there's a good

flavour.

SHEILA

What flavour's orange?

JERRY

I don't know.

SCENE - MENDY'S

LARRY

So after the cancer I moved back in with my parents. You know, I had lost my job and my wife had left me. Then my parents kicked me out. Turns out they didn't like the way I did the dishes. I didn't rinse them before I put them in the machine. I said that's what it's for ma. It's a dishwasher. What's the point of having a dishwasher if you've got to wash the dishes first. Then you don't even need the thing! Can you believe that? I was out in the street.

GEORGE

You had cancer, you were unemployed, your wife left you, and your parents kicked you out of the house?

LARRY

The battery on my watch. It died.

GEORGE

Well, that's one hell of a story. Any of it true?

LARRY

What are you talking about?

GEORGE

Larry, I caught you. It's OK, sometimes it happens to me. You had a misstep. It's alright, I won't hold it against you.

LARRY

You really are an idiot aren't you?

GEORGE

What, you're actually telling the truth?

LARRY

Of course I am.

GEORGE

(Flustered) Well, I had a really bad cold last week. For a few days I thought it could have been serious.

LARRY

You're comparing your cold to my

cancer? I lost all my hair.

GEORGE

Hey. (Points to head)

LARRY

I could have died.

GEORGE

I walk down the street. Bam, I'm

hit by a car. I'm out there every

day taking a chance. You're lying

on a bed somewhere.

LARRY

This is crazy.

GEORGE

That's right.

Waiter enters

WAITER

Here's your soup sir.

George looks flustered, but doesn't say anything.

SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT

JERRY

So he wasn't too happy with your

experiment?

GEORGE

No, he was quite offended.

JERRY

Really? I never would have thought

that. Usually people take kindly to that sort of thing.

GEORGE

Jerry, this guy is killing me. For all these years I've based my life on being the absolute most pathetic person I know. Now he's taken that from me. And his parents are really close with my parents. He used to be over at the house all the time. He knows all my friends. The word is going to get out and then where will I be?

JERRY

I wouldn't worry about it too much.

GEORGE

I'm nothing Jerry. Nothing. People

used to look at me and say, that

guy's pathetic. That guy's a loser.

Now what are they going to say?

I've got to do something.

JERRY

So he's short, stocky, bald, AND he

had cancer?

GEORGE

He's unmarried, unemployed, and

unattractive. He's got it all!

JERRY

And you?

GEORGE

Well...

JERRY

Hey, two-out-of-three ain't bad.

GEORGE

Meatloaf!

JERRY

What do your parents think about

him?

GEORGE

They hate him.

JERRY

They hate him, yet they tolerate

you.

GEORGE

Why can't they tolerate him and

hate me?

JERRY

That's the question.

GEORGE

So how are things going between you

and Sheila?

JERRY

Pretty good.

GEORGE

Any. You know?

JERRY

No not yet.

GEORGE

She didn't sit in your lap, did she?

JERRY

Well...

GEORGE

Jerry, I'm telling you.

JERRY

But I'm sensing a breakthrough.

GEORGE

Why? Did she say something.

JERRY

No, but I'm picking things up.

GEORGE

Like what? What's more of a sign than a lap sit? That's almost direct contact.

JERRY

You know, the little signals here and there. Like today I was driving her back to her place and she asked if I had any gum. It was in my pocket so she reached in and got it herself.

GEORGE

Physical contact.

JERRY

Yes. Quite physical.

GEORGE

So you think you're in.

JERRY

The road has been paved. But the clutch is jammed.

GEORGE

Enough with the gear references, OK. I don't even know how to drive standard.

JERRY

It's like she's blissfully unaware. I'll tell you one thing, you don't put your hand in someone's pocket unless you mean it.

GEORGE

Yeah, right. So did she mention me?

JERRY

No.

GEORGE

Did you bring up my name?

JERRY

Why would I?

GEORGE

Cause I knew her too.

JERRY

Oh yeah. I'll just ask her if she remembers the guy who walked past her that time.

GEORGE

Hey, she sat on my lap. Biology class Jerry!

JERRY

You're still on this?

GEORGE

Well it was very confusing. You

don't just sit on someone's lap.

JERRY

That was twenty years ago.

GEORGE

Oh. So that makes it alright?

JERRY

We had this conversation

already. I agreed with you.

GEORGE

I'd just like some closure. Is that

too much to ask?

JERRY

You've got a lot of loose ends,

don't you?

GEORGE

Nothing's tied up, Jerry. Nothing!

Kramer Enters

JERRY

Hey, what happened to you?

KRAMER

They fouled me.

GEORGE

Who?

KRAMER

Mickey's friends. They hacked into

me like I was a Christmas goose.

JERRY

What are you talking about, I

thought you were the coach?

KRAMER

I was, but then one of the guys got

hurt so I took his place.

GEORGE

You played against midgets? You're like seven feet tall.

KRAMER

Anyway it was late in the game and

we were up by a basket.

JERRY

You were up by ONE basket?

KRAMER

They've got quick hands Jerry.

They're all close to the ground.

It's like dribbling through a

croquet set.

JERRY

So.

KRAMER

So there's a minute left in the game and we've got the ball. Mickey

passes to me and I'm just about to go up for a lay up when I feel,

smack, right on the back of my knee.

JERRY

So what happened.

KRAMER

Well I shot the free throws and we

got the ball back. I'm going up for

another shot and bam! There goes my other knee.

GEORGE

So did you win.

KRAMER

Barely. I had to finish the game on

all fours. I don't even know how I

got up the stairs Jerry. I had to

shower sitting down.

GEORGE

Well this has all been very

interesting, but I should be going.

JERRY

Gonna go for the trifecta, huh?

GEORGE

I'll think of something.

JERRY

Hey, what are you doing?

KRAMER
(Icing his knees with a bag of frozen peas)
I'm icing my knees.

JERRY

You know I have ice.

KRAMER

Jerry, I don't know what I'm going

to do tomorrow. I'm the best man, I

don't think I can stand up.

JERRY

Well, I don't think it's necessary

for you to be standing.

KRAMER

I have to walk down the aisle. What

am I gonna do?

JERRY

Well, just call him and tell him to

go to the backup.

KRAMER

You mean give up the ball?

JERRY

Well I don't think you have a

choice.

KRAMER

I'm gonna think about that.

SCENE - THE COFFEE SHOP

THE DR

Elaine, is this right?

ELAINE

What?

THE DR

The bill.

ELAINE

Let me see. Two coffees, a big salad, and a turkey club. Yeah.

THE DR

Hmmm. What's 10% of twenty-dollars?

ELAINE

TWO dollars.

THE DR

Are you sure?

ELAINE

Yes, I'm sure.

THE DR

I don't know. Hey, 6 plus 5. That's not eleven is it?

ELAINE

Yes.

(A guy walks past the table)

THE DR

Hey, Elaine do you know who that was.

ELAINE

No.

THE DR

That was Sammy Davis Jr.

SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT

JERRY

So he's a brainless surgeon?

ELAINE

You're doing puns now?

JERRY

A pun can be a very effective

source of humor.

ELAINE

You've got nothing.

JERRY

I know. I can't write anything. I

spent four hours last night trying

to come up with some new material.

ELAINE

What did you get?

JERRY

Oh, nothing.

ELAINE

Is this it?

JERRY

Yeah, but it's awful.

ELAINE

What's the deal with doors? Can't they just make a decision already: push, or pull? What's the deal with doors?

I don't know, it's not that bad. I've always wondered about that. It seems so arbitrary.

JERRY

Oh, it's awful. I haven't even felt like myself lately. It's like I'm in some kind of fog. I was in the drug store yesterday and someone said "nice weather." I drew a blank.

ELAINE

It was raining yesterday though.

JERRY

I know. They were joking. You know

what I said?

ELAINE

What?

JERRY

Yeah! Yeah!

ELAINE

So what, I say yeah all the time.

JERRY

But you don't understand. You're

not a comedian. This is my

livelihood. Yeah! That's like

something my uncle would say.

ELAINE

So what are you going to do?

JERRY

I don't know. I've got to get it

back. I've been trying everything though; long showers, reading the dictionary. Anything to generate some kind of mental activity.

ELAINE

Well can't you just use your old

material for a while?

JERRY

The Heil 5?

ELAINE

You'd better get to work.

JERRY

I can't, I've got to get ready for this wedding.

ELAINE

Alright. I've got to go too. I'm meeting The Dr. in front of his apartment in an hour.

JERRY

Hey, Elaine, wait. Who won the Mets game?

SCENE - GORMAN'S WEDDING

JERRY

What table you got?

GEORGE

Roger Maris.

ESTELLE

This is so exciting. Think of how nice it must be to have a normal son. To have grand children. Look at how happy they are Jerry. Why can't I be happy? Don't I deserve to be happy?

GEORGE

Hey, if you think I was gonna let you anywhere near those grandkids, you're crazy.

ESTELLE

Why? What's so wrong with me? What did I ever do to you?

JERRY

Fred and Ethel, please.

KRAMER

(From under the table). Psst. Jerry, George.

JERRY

Kramer? Where are you?

KRAMER

Down here. Under the table.

GEORGE

What are you doing down there?

KRAMER

I'm scared stiff. I can't move. My knees are all locked up, my hands are shaking. I'm frightened Jerry.

JERRY

Why? What's going on.

KRAMER

It's him (Points to Larry).

JERRY

Larry? Is that a neon tuxedo?

KRAMER

That's the guy who mugged me Jerry. That's the man who took my innocence.

JERRY

Mugged you? What are you talking about, when did you get mugged?

KRAMER

A couple of years ago in the park. Remember after the audition at NBC.

I was running home. I was a little

backed up.

JERRY

Oh yeah.

KRAMER

Yeah, Jerry. Yeah!

JERRY

(To George) Well, armed robbery. Think you can beat that?

GEORGE

He got me again! Hey, isn't that Sheila?

JERRY

Where?

GEORGE

Sitting on Larry's lap! I knew it. The lap sitter strikes again.

KRAMER

What's going on up there?

JERRY

Looks like he's getting a little fresh.

GEORGE

Aren't you going to do something?

JERRY

What? The guy's crazy. And look at all that cutlery around him. He mugged Kramer. Besides, the relationship is kind of dead.

GEORGE

But I thought you said things were going great. You were in 3rd gear, shifting into cruise.

JERRY

I lied!

GEORGE

Look at that. See, everyone's looking, but no one ever does anything. God forbid someone ever reaches out and helps someone.

JERRY

Yeah, but what are you gonna do?

GEORGE

Hey, I just got an idea. What if I go over there and say something to him in front of everyone. Then I'm the hero. That's got to be better than the loser, Jerry.

JERRY

Oh, forget it. You're not going to do that.

GEORGE

Why? Why can't I do that?

JERRY

'Cause you never follow through. Remember that waiter who kept sticking his fingers in your soup? You gave him a bigger tip because you didn't want him to think you were angry.

GEORGE

Jerry, I'm serious. I don't know what it is, but I feel like right now, at this particular moment in time, at this particular place in the world, I am Batman. Kramer, how much money did he get from you?

KRAMER

I don't know, forty-dollars.

GEORGE

I'm going over there and getting forty-dollars.

ELAINE

George, this guy is dangerous. Here, I'll give you $40.

GEORGE

No, I have to do this. Batman, Jerry. Batman!

(Walks over to Larry and Sheila)

GEORGE

So, you'll sit on his lap too?

SHEILA

Do I know you?

GEORGE

10th grade. Lincoln High. The year was 1977, you were in my biology class. You came and sat on my lap and then acted like nothing happened.

SHEILA

Nothing happened? Wait a second, I remember you. It moved!

GEORGE

You can't toy with people's...like that. What was I supposed to do? I didn't ask you to sit there. There was a perfectly good chair right beside me. I can still remember it. I was wearing corduroy pants!

LARRY

Is this guy bothering you?

SHEILA

Yes, he is.

LARRY

Get lost George.

GEORGE

Oh, I'll go. Right after you give me $40.

LARRY

$40. Why would I give you $40?

GEORGE

Four years ago you stole $40 from my friend. You mugged him in the park. I want it back.

LARRY

You do eh? Well why don't you come and get it?

GEORGE

Well maybe I will.

LARRY

Well come on.

Enter Elaine and The Dr.

ELAINE

What a nice centrepiece. Is that granite? Sorry we're late. What's going on?

JERRY

Nothing. George is about to get himself killed.

KRAMER

Hi Elaine.

ELAINE

Kramer?

THE DR

(Silent, looking straight at Jerry.)

JERRY

What happened to you?

ELAINE

The good Dr. got in a fight with our rickshaw driver.

JERRY

You took a rickshaw?

ELAINE

That's right. He likes the fresh air.

(Jerry and The Dr. Are Staring Right At Each Other, Neither Speaking.)

JERRY

Hey. Le me ask you something. What is up with the no hello?

THE DR

Why should I say hello? I don't even know you. And I don't like you. I don't just walk around saying hello. I say hello to who I want, when I want.

JERRY

Well that's fine because I wasn't going to call you doctor anyway. In fact, I'm never going to call you Dr.

THE DR

I was trying to do you a favour. You're a comedian. You probably couldn't even remember my name.

JERRY

Yeah! Yeah! (Jerry is obviously upset that he can't think of a comeback. George and Larry begin to tussle. )

ESTELLE

George! What are you doing.

(Estelle Gets Brushed Aside And Falls)

ESTELLE

My back!

(Larry pushes George into the table under which Kramer has been hiding. Kramer has now partially emerged to watch the fight. As George is pushed into the table, the centerpiece becomes dislodged, hitting Kramer in the head and knocking him unconscious.)

ELAINE

Oh my God!

JERRY

Is anyone here a doc... (Jerry and THE DR. are staring at each other, but neither makes a move.)

THE END

POST END

(Kramer, the best man, is preparing to make his speech. It's obvious that he's a little woozy and shaky on his feet because of his bad knee and the bump on his head.)

GORMAN

My wife heard about my reputation for making bad speeches, so I promised her I'd keep this one short and sweet. Well, here it is. Suzy, honey, I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow.

ELAINE

I think I'm gonna be sick.

LARRY

And now I'd like to call on the best man to make a toast.

(Kramer rises to make his speech. He's wobbly and looking woozy because of the knock on his head. Everyone thinks he's drunk.)

KRAMER

Hi everybody. (Fumbles with microphone.)Yeah, my name is Cosmo Kramer and I've known Gorman for 25 years, so I think I can say this (Knocks over glass of water.) Oh, sorry.

GROOM'S FATHER

Is he drunk?

JERRY

This isn't going to be good.

KRAMER

Well, yeah, I've known Gorman for all these years and...what was I going to say?

GROOM'S FATHER

He's drunk. Get him out of here.

KRAMER

Drunk. Ha! Look at this guy. Yeah! I think I can say this from the bottom of my heart that Betty, I think you could have done much, much...

(Gorman kicks him in the back of the knee and Kramer falls under the table.)

THE END
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