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The Documentary

 

 

 

THE DOCUMENTARY

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ACT ONE

 

 

SCENE A: INT. COFFEE SHOP - LUNCHTIME - DAY

 

GEORGE, ELAINE, KRAMER, AND JERRY ARE ALL SEATED AT THEIR BOOTH. THEY EACH HAVE A SOFT DRINK.

 

GEORGE

I'm getting sick of this.

 

JERRY

Sick of what?

 

GEORGE

Floaties!

 

JERRY

What are you talking about?

 

GEORGE

Floaties, Jerry! I'm sick of them!

 

JERRY

What are floaties?

 

GEORGE

In my drink! Look at the ice in my drink. I hate it when they do that.

 

ELAINE

(LOOKING AT GEORGE'S DRINK)

It looks fine to me.

 

GEORGE

No, it's not fine! How much ice do you see in there? They put so little ice in the cup that they all float at the top. I mean, how is that supposed to keep the drink cold? And I like to drink out of a straw, too! The other end of the straw is at the bottom of the cup, where there's no ice! So I have to pull my straw up so the end is at the top of the cup where it's actually cold, and I look like an idiot!

 

THE GROUP SITS IN SILENCE FOR A MOMENT AS THE WAITRESS APPROACHES WITH THEIR LUNCH. THEY EACH RECEIVE A SANDWICH. BEFORE THE WAITRESS LEAVES, GEORGE SPEAKS:

 

GEORGE

Excuse me, ma'am, but this isn't Europe, where's my ice?

 

WAITRESS

It's in your cup, sir.

 

THE WAITRESS LEAVES.

 

KRAMER

(WHISPERING TO GEORGE)

You don't have to take that from her. Listen, I know someone who could, uh, you know, teach her a little lesson.

 

GEORGE

Kramer!

 

JERRY

(SMILING, CHANGING THE SUBJECT)

So, George, how's this new girlfriend of yours?

 

GEORGE

(SUDDENLY HAPPY)

Oh, she's great. She cooks for me and does my laundry. She's great.

 

ELAINE

She cooks and does your laundry?

 

GEORGE

Well, yeah. I mean, that's not why I'm dating her, but it is kinda nice, you know.

 

ELAINE

Uh-huh.

 

GEORGE

What?

 

KRAMER

Ah, great woman. I think she's a keeper, George. What's her name?

 

GEORGE

Her name? Why does that matter? Why do you need to know her name?

 

KRAMER

Well, I was just wondering!

 

JERRY

(TO GEORGE)

You don't even know her name, do you?

 

GEORGE

Yes, I know her name, Jerry!

 

JERRY

Well then, why don't you enlighten us?

 

GEORGE

Alright! Alright, fine! Her name is... Georgina! There, you happy now? Don't ask me anything else! Please!

 

ELAINE BEGINS TO LAUGH, AND JERRY FOLLOWS. KRAMER LOOKS AROUND AS IF HE HAS NO CLUE WHY ANYONE IS LAUGHING.

 

FADE OUT.

 

 

SCENE B: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

 

JERRY WALKS TO THE DOOR, AND OPENS IT. GEORGE WALKS IN. HE SEEMS A LITTLE NERVOUS.

 

GEORGE

Hi, Jerry.

 

JERRY

George, are you alright?

 

GEORGE

Oh, I'm just fine.

 

JERRY

You don't look so good.

 

GEORGE

My girlfriend...

 

JERRY

Georgina?

 

GEORGE

Yes, Georgina!

 

JERRY

What about her?

 

GEORGE

Well, she wants to meet my friends.

 

JERRY

Oh, so what are you going to do?

 

GEORGE

What do you mean, what am I going to do?

 

JERRY

Well, she wants to meet your friends.

 

GEORGE

So she'll meet my friends!

 

JERRY

Oh.

 

GEORGE

I'm planning a dinner. I'm inviting you and Elaine to have dinner with us at Mendy's. How's that?

 

JERRY

Well, fine, but what about Kramer?

 

GEORGE

No, no, no, Jerry! I am not going to mess this up. In fact, we are not even telling Kramer anything about it! You understand me?

 

JERRY

I guess.

 

GEORGE

Jerry, listen to me. I think I'm in love. I think she's the one! And I don't want you guys messing it up! I can hardly trust you and Elaine, and I know I can't trust Kramer. He'll scare her away.

 

JERRY

Alright, George. I'll go, and I'm sure Elaine will. Don't you worry. We will not mess this up.

 

GEORGE

Jerry, I'm counting on you.

 

JERRY

Fine. It'll be fine.

 

GEORGE

(VERY NERVOUS)

Jerry, there's something I've got to tell you.

 

JERRY

What? What is it?

 

GEORGE

If I don't tell you this, I just know you'll say something at Mendy's that will screw this whole thing up!

 

JERRY

Well?

 

GEORGE

Jerry, Georgina is... bald.

 

JERRY

(STARING IN DISBELIEF)

What do you mean,... bald?

 

GEORGE

Oh, she doesn't have any hair.

 

JERRY

No hair... on her head?

 

GEORGE

No hair on her head!

 

JERRY

No hair?

 

GEORGE

No hair!

 

JERRY

Is she sick?

 

GEORGE

No! She's perfectly healthy.

 

JERRY FINALLY BREAKS DOWN LAUGHING.

 

JERRY

You're dating a bald woman? How can you date a bald woman?

 

GEORGE

Jerry, I am in love with her!

 

JERRY

How could you possibly love a bald woman?

 

GEORGE

Since when was love about looks?

 

JERRY

It's always been about looks!

 

KRAMER WILDLY ENTERS THE APARTMENT, AND GEORGE AND JERRY TURN HIS WAY. KRAMER IS HOLDING AN OLD MOVIE CAMERA. THEY ALL STARE AT EACH OTHER IN BEWILDERMENT.

 

KRAMER

Hey.

 

GEORGE AND JERRY

Hey.

 

KRAMER

What's going on?

 

JERRY

George is dating a bald woman.

 

KRAMER

(TO GEORGE)

She's got no hair?

 

GEORGE

Yes, that's right! She has no hair!

 

KRAMER

Ah. I dated a bald girl once. I almost married her, but she got hit by a car.

 

GEORGE

Oh my gosh, did she die?

 

KRAMER

I don't know.

 

JERRY

You don't know if she died?

 

KRAMER

No, I never saw her again.

 

JERRY

What do you mean, you never saw her again?

 

KRAMER

Well, nobody ever told me what hospital she went to!

 

JERRY AND GEORGE LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN PUZZLEMENT, THEN LOOK BACK AT KRAMER.

 

KRAMER

No, wait,... maybe she did have hair. Yeah, that's right. She was a blonde.

 

AFTER LOOKING AT HIS FRIENDS AWKWARDLY, GEORGE LEAVES THE ROOM.

 

KRAMER

Well, that was weird.

 

JERRY

Yes, it was.... So, what are you doing with that camera?

 

KRAMER

Oh, this? I'm making a movie.

 

JERRY

You're making a movie?

 

KRAMER

Yeah, that's right.

 

JERRY

Why are you making a movie?

 

KRAMER

You'll never believe what people will throw out these days. Can you believe this perfectly fine camera was laying around at the landfill?

 

JERRY

Yes.

 

KRAMER

Jerry, this is my opportunity! I've always dreamed of going to Hollywood, and now I can do it right here!

 

JERRY

Kramer, you don't know how to make a movie. It's gonna be trash.

 

KRAMER

Jerry, have you been to the movies lately? I mean, come on! It's all trash! And it's all making a whole lotta money!

 

JERRY

Yeah, I guess you're right. So, what kind of movie are you making?

 

KRAMER

Oh, um, a documentary.

 

JERRY

A documentary? Why are you making a documentary?

 

KRAMER

Oh, come on, Jerry! Where have you been? It's all documentaries nowadays. People love documentaries! They flock to the theaters to see them!

 

JERRY

No, they don't.

 

KRAMER

Just look at American Beauty! It won the Oscar, Jerry, the Oscar!

 

JERRY

American Beauty is not a documentary!

 

KRAMER

So? It still won!

 

JERRY

Alright, Kramer. Sounds good. So what's your documentary going to be about?

 

KRAMER

Everything!

 

JERRY

Everything?

 

KRAMER

That's right!

 

JERRY

Well, what's the point of that?

 

KRAMER

Jerry, what if I made a documentary about basketball, huh? Who do you think would want to watch it?

 

JERRY

Basketball fans, I guess.

 

KRAMER

Exactly! And everyone will want to see my movie, because it's about everything!

 

 

SCENE C: INT - JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

 

JERRY IS SITTING ON THE COUCH READING A MAGAZINE WHEN THE PHONE RINGS. HE PICKS IT UP.

 

JERRY

Hello?... Oh hi, Uncle Leo.

 

UNCLE LEO (V. O.)

Jerry, you gotta help me! The Feds are after me! I can't talk long, but you must promise to help me!

 

JERRY

What? The FBI is after you? What for?

 

UNCLE LEO (V. O.)

Oh, I stole a pen from the post office.

 

JERRY

You stole a pen from the post office? Why would you do a thing like that?

 

UNCLE LEO (V. O.)

Oh, come on, Jerry! I'm old. All old people steal. We can't afford everything with the ridiculous prices they put on things nowadays.

 

JERRY

Well, what are they going to do to you for stealing a pen?

 

UNCLE LEO (V. O.)

You don't understand, Jerry! It was a post office pen!

 

JERRY

Well, you shouldn't o' done it!

 

UNCLE LEO (V. O.)

Jerry, meet me at-

 

JERRY HANGS UP THE PHONE AND CONTINUES READING HIS MAGAZINE.

 

FADE OUT.

 

 

 

ACT TWO

 

 

SCENE A: INT. MENDY'S - EVENING

 

GEORGE, ELAINE, JERRY, AND THE BALD GEORGINA ARE SITTING AT A BOOTH IN THE RESTAURANT. GEORGE AND GEORGINA ARE ON ONE SIDE, WITH JERRY AND ELAINE ON THE OTHER.

 

GEORGINA

(TO ELAINE)

So, you must be Elaine?

 

ELAINE

Yeah, that's right. I'm Elaine.

 

GEORGINA

(TO JERRY)

And you must be Kramer. I've heard a lot about you.

 

JERRY IS QUITE SURPRISED.

 

JERRY

Uh, actually, I'm Jerry.

 

GEORGINA

(LAUGHING)

Oh, he's just how I imagined! You're right, George. He is a goofball!

 

GEORGE

No, that really is Jerry.

 

GEORGINA

Jerry who?

 

GEORGE

That's my friend, Jerry. Jerry Seinfeld.

 

GEORGINA

(TO JERRY)

Did you guys just meet or something?

 

JERRY

Yeah, about thirty-five years ago or so.

 

GEORGINA

George, you never told me about him. I thought I would meet Kramer. I've heard a lot about Kramer. Where is Kramer?

 

GEORGE

Well, he's really busy.

 

GEORGINA

Doing what?

 

GEORGE

He's, uh,...

 

JERRY

Making a movie.

 

GEORGE SMILES AND NODS AT JERRY.

 

GEORGINA

Jeremy, please, I'm talking to George.

 

JERRY PULLS HIS HEAD BACK IN AMAZEMENT.

 

GEORGINA

(TO GEORGE)

I thought I was meeting Kramer.

 

THE WAITRESS PLACES BOWLS OF SOUP IN FRONT OF JERRY, GEORGE, AND GEORGINA, WHILE ELAINE RECEIVES A VERY LARGE SALAD.

 

JERRY

(UNENTHUSIASTICALLY)

Oh, their soup is the best! The best!

 

GEORGE SMILES UNEASILY.

 

GEORGINA

(TO ELAINE)

You know, the soup is quite good.

 

ELAINE

Well, I like salad.

 

GEORGINA SCOWLS AT ELAINE.

 

GEORGE

(DESPERATELY CHANGING THE SUBJECT)

Georgina, uh, works at the zoo.

 

JERRY AND ELAINE NOD. BOTH ARE OBVIOUSLY ANNOYED.

 

GEORGE

She works in the aviary.

 

JERRY

Oh, that's neat. I like birds.

 

ELAINE

(SMILING)

Yeah, I like eagles. You got any bald eagles at the zoo?

 

BEFORE ANYONE CAN REACT, JERRY'S CELLULAR PHONE RINGS. HE LOOKS AROUND IN EMBARRASSMENT, THEN PULLS THE PHONE OUT OF HIS POCKET.

 

JERRY

(WHISPERING)

Hello?... Uncle Leo?... Stop calling me!... Look, I'm not going to help you. This is something you need to work out for yourself. No, no, no, stop!

 

JERRY ANGRILY HANGS UP, AND SHOVES HIS PHONE IN HIS POCKET. GEORGINA IS GIVING HIM AN ESPECIALLY DIRTY LOOK.

 

JERRY

(EMBARRASSED)

My, um, Uncle Leo. He's in some trouble with the Feds.

 

GEORGINA CONTINUES TO STARE AT JERRY. GEORGE BURIES HIS FACE IN HIS HANDS.

 

 

SCENE B: INT. NEWMAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

 

THE CAMERA IS FOCUSED ON KRAMER.

 

KRAMER

(EXCITEDLY)

Listen, I got a great idea. This may be the best idea I've ever come up with.

 

THE CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL NEWMAN STARING AT KRAMER.

 

NEWMAN

Better than the build-your-own pizza pie restaurant?

 

KRAMER

Oh yeah.

 

NEWMAN

Hmm, let's hear it.

 

KRAMER

Alright, I found an old movie camera at the landfill, and I'm making a movie.

 

NEWMAN

(EYES LIGHTING UP)

I see.

 

KRAMER

I already started it, but I kinda hit a snag.

 

NEWMAN

Oh really?

 

KRAMER

Yeah, I just can't come up with ideas. I need an executive producer.

 

NEWMAN

An executive producer? What does he do?

 

KRAMER

Well, he produces... executively.

 

NEWMAN

And what does that entail?

 

KRAMER

Look, Newman, I just need some ideas!

 

NEWMAN

I don't know, Kramer. Will I be paid sufficiently?

 

KRAMER

Of course. I'll give you twenty-five percent of all profits.

 

NEWMAN

Hmm, it's an interesting proposal.

 

KRAMER

Come on, Newman, I need you!

 

NEWMAN

Will you let me hold the camera?

 

KRAMER

But I'm the director!

 

NEWMAN

You can still be the director. Just let me hold the camera!

 

KRAMER

Oh, alright. If that's what it takes to get you on board.

 

NEWMAN

Deal.

 

KRAMER

So...

 

NEWMAN

So, what's your movie about?

 

KRAMER

Everything.

 

NEWMAN

Brilliant!

 

KRAMER

Where should we start, Newman? The world is so big!

 

NEWMAN

The zoo has a new monkey exhibit.

 

KRAMER

Oh no, not monkeys. I've had more than my share of monkey trouble. They hate me!

 

NEWMAN

People love monkeys, Kramer! We start at the zoo tomorrow morning, and film the monkeys! If not, I won't be your executive producer.

 

KRAMER

Fine, Newman! You always get your way. Let's go to the zoo.

 

NEWMAN

Excellent.

 

 

SCENE C: EXT. NYC SIDEWALK - DAY

 

THE CAMERA FOCUSES ON A SIDEWALK IN FRONT OF SOME SHRUBBERY. IT APPEARS TO BE NEAR A PARK. IN PERFECT VIEW, THERE IS A GREEN SIGN WITH "ZOO" PRINTED ON IT. AN ARROW IS POINTING TO THE RIGHT. SUDDENLY, UNCLE LEO COMES RUNNING ACROSS THE SCREEN FROM THE LEFT SIDE. HE FOLLOWS THE ARROW TOWARD THE ZOO. MOMENTS LATER, SEVERAL FBI AGENTS, DRESSED IN EXPENSIVE SUITS, RUN ACROSS THE SCREEN.

 

 

SCENE D: EXT. ZOO'S MONKEY CAGE - NIGHT

 

KRAMER AND NEWMAN ARE STANDING OUTSIDE A LARGE CAGE. NEWMAN, VERY GIDDY, IS HOLDING THE OLD MOVIE CAMERA.

 

KRAMER

Well, here are the monkeys.

 

NEWMAN

Oh, this is great, Kramer!

 

NEWMAN POINTS THE CAMERA TOWARD THE CAGE TO BEGIN FILMING. KRAMER IMMEDIATELY GRABS NEWMAN'S ARMS, AND PULLS THEM DOWNWARD.

 

KRAMER

What do you think you're doing? I told you before that I am the director.

 

NEWMAN

Sorry, Kramer. I will wait for your command.

 

KRAMER

Alright. Film those monkeys over there.

 

NEWMAN POINTS THE CAMERA TO THE CAGE AS BEFORE, AND FILMS. AFTER A MOMENT, KRAMER BEGINS STARING IN THE CAGE. HE APPEARS DISGUSTED.

 

KRAMER

Newman, I know that monkey. He hates me!

 

NEWMAN

Kramer, stop it! Take control.

 

KRAMER

Hoochie mama!

 

NEWMAN

Oh, Kramer!

 

KRAMER

(AFTER A DEEP BREATH)

Okay, I'm alright now.

 

AGAIN, KRAMER GIVES A STRANGE STARE INTO THE CAGE.

 

NEWMAN

Kramer. Kramer, what's the matter?

 

KRAMER

That monkey over there looks like Jerry's uncle. Get the camera on him!

 

NEWMAN

(EXCITED)

Wow, this is great, Kramer! A great idea.

 

UNCLE LEO

(VO, WHISPERING)

Psst, Kramer. Shut up. You guys, shut up.

 

KRAMER

Hey, that is Jerry's uncle.

 

UNCLE LEO

(VO, WHISPERING)

Shhh! Don't say anything.

 

 

SCENE E: EXT. ZOO'S AVIARY - DAY

 

GEORGINA IS STANDING IN A LARGE CAGE FILLED WITH BIRDS. HER BACK IS TO THE CAMERA, AND HER HEAD IS COMPLETELY BARE. THE FBI AGENTS STOP IN FRONT OF THE CAGE AND LOOK INSIDE. ONE YELLS:

 

AGENT

Hey, there he is!

 

GEORGINA TURNS AROUND.

 

GEORGINA

What's going on?

 

AGENT

Wait, that's not him!

 

THE AGENTS RUN AWAY FROM THE AVIARY.

 

 

SCENE F: EXT. ZOO'S MONKEY CAGE - DAY

 

THE FBI AGENTS ENTER FROM THE SIDE. THEY LOOK AROUND, THEN ONE SPEAKS TO KRAMER AND NEWMAN:

 

AGENT

Hey, have either of you guys seen an old bald man with a mean expression on his face?

 

KRAMER

Yeah, he's in there.

 

KRAMER POINTS TO THE CAGE.

 

FADE OUT.

 

 

SCENE G: EXT. MANHATTAN SIDEWALK - DAY

 

ELAINE, GEORGE, AND JERRY ARE ALL WALKING TOGETHER ON THE CITY SIDEWALK. GEORGE APPEARS TO BE UPSET.

 

GEORGE

Why did you guys have to ruin last night? Georgina never wants to see me again!

 

JERRY

We did you a favor, George.

 

GEORGE

Jerry, I told you! I was in love!

 

ELAINE

George, she was bald!

 

GEORGE

What is wrong with you people? Love is not about looks!

 

JERRY

You're just saying that because you couldn't get a good-looking girl to date you.

 

GEORGE

Shut up, Jerry! That is not true!

 

ELAINE

Oh come on, George. You couldn't have loved that woman.

 

JERRY

She was a real jerk, you know.

 

GEORGE

Oh, but she was such a good cook. And I'll have to start going to the coin laundry again.

 

SUDDENLY, UNCLE LEO RUNS ACROSS THE SCREEN IN FRONT OF THE TRIO.

 

GEORGE

Hey, Jerry, wasn't that your uncle?

 

THE FBI AGENTS FOLLOW.

 

ELAINE

The FBI?

 

NEXT, KRAMER RUNS ACROSS THE SCREEN. HE IS WAVING HIS ARM AROUND, SIGNALING TO NEWMAN WHO IS OFF TO SCREEN TO HURRY UP.

 

KRAMER

Hurry up back there!

 

GEORGE, ELAINE, AND JERRY

Kramer?

 

NEWMAN IS THE NEXT TO RUN ACROSS THE SCREEN. HE HAS THE CAMERA FOCUSED FORWARD.

 

JERRY

(SINISTER TONE)

Newman.

 

FADE OUT

 

 

 

 

 

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