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The Competitor
EPISODE 188
THE COMPETITOR
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT
(Jerry and George are sitting around, reading the paper)
GEORGE
I had a good sleep last night.
JERRY
Oh, yeah?
GEORGE
Really. I don't mean I slept well. I mean, I had a really good sleep. Like, probably the best one I've had in five years.
JERRY
What did you do, flip the mattress?
GEORGE
Better. I slept on the floor.
JERRY
You slept on the floor?
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
Why?
GEORGE
I was lying in bed. And I was trying to get comfortable. And I couldn't. I kept shifting. You know how it's so hot in my apartment? Well I was on the left side of the mattress, 'but I normally sleep on the right.
JERRY
Why the change?
GEORGE
Sometimes I like to shake things up. See what happens.
JERRY
Oh, yeah. You know I've heard lots of people say that before and I don't think it's ever involved a fitted sheet in any way.
GEORGE
I think I'm wittier when I sleep on the right. But I'm usually luckier on the left. Like a few days ago I found a roll of subway tokens on the street. And the night before I woke up to go to the bathroom and when I came back, I switched.
JERRY
You flip the pillows over too?
GEORGE
Well you've got to. The cool side of the pillow is the highlight of the sleeping experience.
JERRY
It's what I look forward to every night.
GEORGE
So I'm on the left side and suddenly I'm rolling into the middle of the bed. Like I'm in a divot or something. Like I'm a bead of water.
JERRY
I told you. You've got to flip the mattress. You do it every five or six weeks.
GEORGE
Isn't that change your toothbrush?
JERRY
Mattress too. Really, everything that needs changing is five or six weeks. Five or six weeks for a haircut, five or six weeks for an oil change. You know the year should be six weeks long. That way, you know when you've got to get everything done. It's New Years already? Well, time to change the baking soda in the fridge.
GEORGE
I moved the TV down off the dresser so I don't have look up at it. I feel like I'm at a slumber party.
JERRY
Look at this ad? What is this, a foot? You know, I don't understand the whole foot fetish thing. Can't these people find a better looking extremity?
GEORGE
Like what?
JERRY
I can think of a couple.
GEORGE
It's all perversion. Those guys don't know what they want.
JERRY
No. They do. That's the problem.
GEORGE
No. The problem is that they want the wrong things.
JERRY
I think we're talking about the same thing here.
GEORGE
You're talking about the wanting. I'm talking about the thing.
JERRY
Right.
GEORGE
I understand perverts. I think I could have been a pervert.
JERRY
Perversion. Nothing you can do about it.
GEORGE
It's like a schizophrenic guy hearing voices, and talking to himself. He hears the voices! What is he supposed to do, ignore them? I'll tell you this: if I'm alone in my apartment, and I hear someone ask if we're out of tuna, I'm answering.
JERRY
I don't see the connection.
GEORGE
Two extremes. You know, I wonder if the voices ever say anything interesting. Like if they make good conversation.
JERRY
I think it depends on the person. Tom Snyder. I think if Tom Snyder were schizophrenic, he could put on a pretty good one-man show.
GEORGE
I'm a normal guy. You know, desire-wise. Vanilla flavoured. I just don't need the bed. That's it.
JERRY
Again with the bed. You know, that's what it's there for. I could sleep on the floor too, you know. I know it's comfortable. But the bed is one societal value that I happen to respect.
GEORGE
Isn't the floor supposed to be good for your back?
JERRY
I don't know. My back's fine though.
(Enter Kramer)
KRAMER
Potatoes!
JERRY
What?
KRAMER
That's what you were just talking about. Potatoes.
JERRY
No we weren't.
KRAMER
Well what then?
GEORGE
We were talking about virility.
KRAMER
Sexual?
JERRY
Is there any other kind?
KRAMER
Well, you're looking at the king.
GEORGE
You?
JERRY
He's Don Juan and Casanova rolled into corduroy pants.
KRAMER
I'm a bucking Bronco my friend. Oh, you can't break me.
JERRY
What's with the notebook?
KRAMER
I'm taking notes for my book.
GEORGE
You're writing a book?
KRAMER
Well, I'm working on it.
JERRY
What's it called?
KRAMER
Abstract Minded. You know, because up here (points to his head), it's happening. And there's a range.
GEORGE
What's it about?
KRAMER
Oh, you know, life. Love. Happiness. Yearning. A lot of yearning. But I'm telling you, I can feel it. This is what I was meant to do. Write. The human condition. The material, Jerry. It's all around me.
JERRY
How far have you gotten?
KRAMER
Three pages...with the cover and the dedication.
JERRY
Who'd you dedicate it to?
KRAMER
You.
JERRY
Me?
GEORGE
Why him?
KRAMER
He's the one who inspired me to pursue my creative talents. Jerry, a struggling comedian, making jokes that no one laughs at. He's up there every night pouring his heart out to a bunch of yuppies drinking wine coolers. Barely scraping by. Living the life of a much younger, hipper man. This is my way of saying thanks buddy.
JERRY
You're welcome.
(Enter Elaine)
ELAINE
Hey, have you seen the paper yet?
JERRY
No, I haven't read it. Why?
ELAINE
Look at this?
JERRY
What? What am I looking at?
ELAINE
Look.
JERRY
I'm looking.
ELAINE
Right here. Right here.
JERRY
It's a letter to the editor. You wrote a letter to the editor?
ELAINE
Yeah. And they published it.
JERRY
Congratulations.
GEORGE
Can I see that?
JERRY
What made you do it?
ELAINE
Well they had a story about stay-at-home mothers. They said that all women should stay home and take care of their families. Can you believe that?
JERRY
No.
GEORGE
"And so women can stay home if they want. But just remember that you can't spell oven without o-v-e."
JERRY
Funny.
ELAINE
I know. It took me two hours to write.
KRAMER
Really? Two hours?
GEORGE
I don't get it. What's Ove?
JERRY
Ove is nothing. But l-o-v-e is something.
GEORGE
I know, but you're missing a letter here.
ELAINE
Is there a problem, George?
GEORGE
No. It's just kind of confusing.
JERRY
Well I understood it. And I liked it.
ELAINE
Thank you.
KRAMER
Hey, you think I can use that? In my book.
ELAINE
You're writing a book?
JERRY
It's serious fiction.
ELAINE
You're writing literature?
KRAMER
I'm writing life.
ELAINE
What do you know about life?
KRAMER
Hey. I've lived.
GEORGE
Look at this. Lohman's is going out of business. Did you know that?
JERRY
Yeah, I heard about it a while ago.
GEORGE
Fifty percent off everything. Today's the last day. Look at this, a juicer. I've always wanted a juicer.
JERRY
You don't drink juice.
GEORGE
How do you know what I drink?
JERRY
I've known you for twenty years and I've never seen you drink anything other than coffee and chocolate milk.
GEORGE
I'm gonna go down there and see if there's anything left.
KRAMER
I'll go with you. I need a new griddle.
SCENE - LOHMAN'S KITCHEN SUPPLY STORE
GEORGE
Excuse me, do you have any juicers left?
GIRL
Aisle 5 next to the melon scoops.
GEORGE
Thanks.
(As they're walking, Kramer throws out his hands and knocks over some pots and pans. George jumps as they fall to the floor, scared.)
GEORGE
Will you stop that.
KRAMER
Ah. Here we go. Look at this baby.
GEORGE
It looks like the hood off my father's old station wagon.
KRAMER
Five square feet of grilling pleasure. You've found a new home my friend.
GEORGE
There it is. The juicer. There's only one left. Come on.
(George walks over to the juicer, but just before he arrives another man enters the picture and picks up the box.)
GEORGE
Oh! Here we go.
KRAMER
What?
(Kramer's face is obscured by the rather large griddle and he can't see what's going on.)
GEORGE
This is all your fault, you know that? Making me stop for pens. I don't see you writing anything now.
KRAMER
What's going on?
GEORGE
Some guy's got the juicer. It's the last one.
KRAMER
You want me to get it?
GEORGE
What are you gonna do, trip him and take it?
KRAMER
I'll think of something. It'll be good material for my book.
GEORGE
What is this guy doing? He's got the box. I don't think he's gonna buy it. I think he's gonna put it down. He's gonna put it down! He's putting it down.
(George runs over to the box, but at the last second, the man re-enters the picture and grasps it right out of George's reach.)
GEORGE
Hey, what are you doing? You're not buying that?
LARRY
Why not?
GEORGE
But you just put it down? You put it down.
LARRY
So what? I changed my mind. I want it.
GEORGE
You can't change your mind.
LARRY
Why can't I?
GEORGE
Because you can't. That's why. What about the decisive shoppers? What about the people who know what they want? It's not fair to them. You can't pick something up, put it down, and then pick it up again.
LARRY
Well. I don't care if it's fair, or if it's not fair. I'm taking my juicer. And if you don't get out of my way, I'm gonna put you down.
GEORGE
Alright.
KRAMER
What was that?
GEORGE
The guy came back for the juicer.
KRAMER
And you let him take it?
GEORGE
I didn't let him. He took it. What was I supposed to do, start a rumble?
KRAMER
Walk over there. I don't want to be seen with you.
(Kramer moves over to the side, but crashes into a display of crock pots.)
SCENE - ELAINE'S OFFICE
(Elaine is posting her letter-to-the-editor on her door.)
RUSSELL
Hey. What's that?
ELAINE
It's my letter to the editor. It was published this morning in the Post.
RUSSELL
Really. (Reading) Ha! What's Ove?
ELAINE
It's supposed to be l-o-v-e.
RUSSELL
I don't get it.
ELAINE
Well.
RUSSELL
Well. Congratulations.
ELAINE
Thanks.
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT
GEORGE
So I reached out. We're talking full extension here. My hand was inches away. I mean, I could practically feel the warmth radiating off this box. 'Cause the guy had been holding it. And just as I'm about to secure it in my arms, he lunges in and takes it.
JERRY
Shame.
GEORGE
Then he tells me it doesn't matter that he put it down. Like he can just come in, pick up, put down, and that's nobody's business but his.
JERRY
I don't know where you got the idea that once merchandise is returned to it's proper resting place, that it suddenly becomes like forbidden fruit or something.
GEORGE
It's common sense. You know, street rules. The laws of life. In the wild, if an elephant picks up a tree branch to strip the bark, then drops it, the other elephants won't let him pick it back up again.
JERRY
See, the thing is, you're not an elephant.
GEORGE
Yeah. Too bad.
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
I'll tell you what though. When that guy told me he was gonna put me down. Something flashed over me. Like a bright light, or something. I just wanted to pick up a melon scoop and twist. But I didn't do anything.
JERRY
Well what's the point of getting into a fight? You think you're going to resolve anything that way? So you hit him, he hits you, you both get thrown out of the store and no one gets the juicer.
GEORGE
Yeah. But at least he doesn't get it. It's funny. I didn't want to fight him so much. I wanted to say something.
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
I wanted to tell him to go to hell. I've never done that before.
JERRY
You've never told anyone to go to hell before?
GEORGE
No. Never. Why, have you?
JERRY
Yeah, lots of times.
GEORGE
What, like when someone's heckling you?
JERRY
No, not so much. I was on Coney Island once and a guy sold me a hot dog that was too small for the bun. It was, like, all bun. I had to take three bites before I even got to the dog.
GEORGE
So you told him to go to hell?
JERRY
We had a few choice words.
GEORGE
Wow. I never knew.
JERRY
Well you do now. You don't mess with me. 'Cause I'm tough.
GEORGE
I'm gonna do it.
JERRY
What, you're gonna walk around now waiting to bump into someone who you can tell to go to hell?
GEORGE
Well this is New York. It won't take that long.
JERRY
This is a kinder, gentler New York though. Giuliani's New York.
GEORGE
That's only on the West Side.
JERRY
But we're on the West Side.
GEORGE
So I'll go East! You want me to buy a compass?
(Enter Elaine)
ELAINE
Did you see this?
JERRY
What?
ELAINE
Today's Post.
JERRY
Yeah. I read it.
ELAINE
The whole thing?
JERRY
Well. I perused it.
ELAINE
You read the Sports? Didn't you?
JERRY
If anything else happens worth knowing about, I'm sure I'll hear about it eventually.
ELAINE
Look at this. It's a response to my letter to the editor.
JERRY
"And so even though you can't spell oven without o-v-e, you also can't spell husband with c-o-o-k." Ha! I like it.
ELAINE
Don't you get what's that's saying?
JERRY
Yeah.
ELAINE
He's mocking my letter.
JERRY
I know. That's why it's so funny.
ELAINE
That's not the worst part. I work with this guy. He's so arrogant. He always has to be the best at everything. Everything. Yesterday we ordered lunch at the office and he turned the whole thing into a speed-eating contest.
JERRY
So he's a competitor.
ELAINE
Yeah. He is. A competitor.
JERRY
I used to have a friend like that. Tim Wolfstein. This guy used to tell everyone he could jump and get his entire body parallel to the ground. Like a hand-rail.
GEORGE
Wasn't he the one who used to pick up the pennies?
JERRY
Yeah. He had this really weird change fetish. Every time he saw a piece of change on the ground, he used to run and dive on it like it was an onside kick. And the larger the denomination, the more excited he'd get.
GEORGE
I remember I was walking with him once and he found a quarter. I thought he was gonna burst a ventricle.
ELAINE
So what ever happened to him?
JERRY
Well one day the teacher needed someone to go pull the map down from the blackboard. And he always claimed he had, like, a five foot vertical. Well he went up to the front of the class, jumped, and he couldn't reach it. Then this other kid, this little 4 foot kid, Kenny Watts, went up and pulled it down. He was so upset that someone beat him that from that day on he never claimed anything again.
ELAINE
Maybe that's what I've got to do. I've got to beat him.
JERRY
What are you gonna do?
ELAINE
I don't know. I'll think of something.
GEORGE
Maybe you can challenge him to a cook-off.
ELAINE
What's that?
GEORGE
Nothing.
ELAINE
(Getting right George's face) Go to hell.
GEORGE
(To Jerry) That's it! That's what I'm gonna do.
SCENE - URBAN COFFEE SHOP (NOT MONK'S)
(Kramer is sitting at a table, writing.)
WAITRESS
Can I get you anything?
KRAMER
No. I'm fine.
WAITRESS
What are you doing there?
KRAMER
Oh. I'm writing. A book.
WAITRESS
You're a writer?
KRAMER
Well. I've been published.
WAITRESS
Wow. So what's it about?
KRAMER
Um. Well. So far I've got a lot of imagery. Characterization. I've got symbolism. It's a melange, really.
WAITRESS
Writers come in here all the time. But I've never seen anyone like you.
KRAMER
Well we good writers, you know, we're a reclusive breed. J.D Salinger, John Steinbeck, uh, Paul Emmel.
MANAGER
Excuse me. You've been sitting here all day. Are you going to order something?
KRAMER
No, I'm fine.
MANAGER
I don't know what you think this place is, but if you're not going to order something you're going to have to leave.
WAITRESS
Leave him alone. He's writing.
KRAMER
Well...
MANAGER
Is that so? Well then how about this for an ending. You and him get the hell out of here, right now.
WAITRESS
Come on. Lets go.
KRAMER
I'm putting you in the book buddy.
MANAGER
Go to hell.
SCENE - MONTAGE
(George is out on the street trying to enter into situations where he can tell someone to go to hell. First we see him hailing a taxi cab, and then waiting idly by for someone to steal it. Then we see him deliberately bump into a surly looking construction worker. Next he walks into the middle of the street without looking. Finally, he buys a hotdog, only to find the bun and dog in exact proportion.)
SCENE - GEORGE'S APARTMENT
(George is lying on the floor beside his bed with a pillow and a sheet. The TV is right beside him and he's watching a late night program)
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT
JERRY
So Grumpy, did you do it yet?
GEORGE
No. I haven't had a chance. Everyone in this city's so nice all of a sudden. I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone or something. All my life I've had to deal with this intolerable cruelty and now when I need it most I click my heals and I'm suddenly back in Kansas.
JERRY
Did you try the hot dog?
GEORGE
I tried everything!
(Enter Kramer. He is hunched over and favouring his back.)
JERRY
Writer's block?
KRAMER
It's my back. It's killing me.
JERRY
What did you do?
KRAMER
Oh, I didn't do anything. It's Suzy. That girl is out there. She's wild. Like a tigress.
GEORGE
What do you mean?
KRAMER
I mean she's...out there. Way out there. Literally.
GEORGE
You don't mean...
KRAMER
Oh. I mean. She's a pervert.
JERRY
Really?
KRAMER
Forget the bed! That doesn't mean anything to her. I slept over there last night. She doesn't even have one.
JERRY
So where did you sleep?
KRAMER
Under the kitchen table.
GEORGE
Wow.
JERRY
I guess the bed is good for the back.
KRAMER
I'm telling you Jerry, it was crazy. I finally told her, I said, I don't want to be out there. I mean I'm out there all day, right. Sometimes I want to be in.
JERRY
Of course. Four walls, a door, semi-private bathroom. In.
KRAMER
She wanted to...on the roof.
JERRY
So what did you do?
KRAMER
Well I'm scared of heights. Anyway, it's over.
JERRY
Don't tell me. The King is dead.
KRAMER
He's left the building.
GEORGE
She wanted to do it on the roof? Hmm.
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
Well, it's warm outside. Not too much wind.
JERRY
We're not talking about landing a plane here.
GEORGE
I know. It's just...interesting. That's all.
JERRY
Yeah right. You're interested. That interests you. You wear a bathing suit to the pool so you don't have to change twice. What are you interested in? The thin air? You have enough trouble at sea level.
KRAMER
She broke me Jerry. I'm done! Strap a saddle on me. I'm finished.
GEORGE
Is it over?
KRAMER
I don't know. She's, uh, she's coming over today.
JERRY
What's wrong?
KRAMER
I'm demoralized. I'm hanging my head.
GEORGE
So, maybe I'll drop in.
JERRY
You want to meet this girl?
GEORGE
Hey! If she's so...out there, maybe she's the one. These people, you don't know what they're capable of. They probably get told to go to hell every day. What if we're together, and she...propositions me. What better excuse could you have to tell someone to go to hell than a perverse sexual proposition? Huh? Kramer, when's she gonna be here?
KRAMER
Oh, she's coming by at, I don't know, three.
GEORGE
That's it. I've got a good feeling about this.
JERRY
Well I never knew dementia could be so soothing.
SCENE - STREET
JERRY
So have you met Kramer's new girlfriend?
ELAINE
No. I didn't know he was seeing anyone.
JERRY
He just met her a few days ago.
ELAINE
How's the book going?
JERRY
I heard they've already got a space picked out on the shelf at the Library of Congress. Hey, wait a second. I can't believe this. Is that? Tim Wolfstein? Hey! Tim.
TIM
Oh. Hi Jerry.
JERRY
Tim. How are you? What has it been, 15, 20 years?
TIM
Yeah. Something like that.
JERRY
And who's this?
TIM
Uh, Jerry, this is my wife Molly. Molly, this is Jerry. He's an old friend.
JERRY
Nice to meet you. This is Elaine. We used to date. You know Tim, it's funny running into you today because I was just telling Elaine that story about the time in Geography class when you...
TIM
Jerry, could I talk to you for a second?
JERRY
Sure.
(Tim leads Jerry off to the side)
TIM
Jerry. Emma doesn't know about the old Tim. The competitive Tim. It's something I've sort of, tried to put behind me. I don't want her to find out. So could you just, you know, not mention it.
JERRY
Sure. I didn't know.
TIM
It's OK.
JERRY
Yeah. Don't worry about it.
EMMA
Tim, we're late.
ELAINE
Oh, where are you going? A show?
TIM
The periodontist.
ELAINE
Oh. Well, it was nice meeting you.
TIM
Bye Jerry.
JERRY
Wait a second, we'll walk with you. I haven't seen you in fifteen years. Your gums can wait. You floss, don't you? Hey, is that a silver dollar?
(Jerry points to a spot on the ground about thirty feet from where the three of them are standing. A silver dollar lies, glistening on the sidewalk. Tim's muscles start to stiffen.)
TIM
Yeah. Looks like it.
JERRY
That's a big chunk of change.
TIM
Sure.
(Tim is obviously uncomfortable, restraining himself from running after the silver dollar.)
JERRY
Well?
(Tim breaks out into a dead sprint for the coin. As he runs towards it, Russell, the man from Elaine's office can be seen on the opposite end of the sidewalk. He too sees the coin and rushes towards it. Tim arrives a split second earlier and scoops the coin into his hand.)
RUSSELL
Hey. What are you doing?
TIM
What are you talking about?
RUSSELL
That's my coin. I saw it first.
TIM
No you didn't, I saw it first.
ELAINE
Yeah, Russell. He saw it first.
RUSSELL
Hey. Are you saying his eyesight's better than mine?
TIM
Well...
ELAINE
Yeah. That's what I'm saying. He can see farther than you any day of the week.
RUSSELL
Really?
TIM
I don't know...
RUSSELL
This guy can't see. Look at him.
TIM
Hey, my eyes are fine.
RUSSELL
Yeah. Well look at these retinas, buddy. I could've been a pilot. I could've been the best pilot.
TIM
Are you saying your eyesight's better than mine.
RUSSELL
I'm saying my eyesight's the best.
ELAINE
Well maybe you want to back that up.
JERRY
Tim. No. It's not worth it.
TIM
OK. Well, we'll see about that.
EMMA
Tim. The periodontist.
TIM
Oh, the periodontist can go to hell.
SCENE - KRAMER'S APARTMENT
SUZY
So when are you gonna read me some of your book?
KRAMER
Oh, I don't know. When it's finished.
SUZY
Can't I just take a little look?
KRAMER
No. Now you know I can't compromise my creative intuition.
SUZY
You want to go out on the fire escape?
KRAMER
No. I don't think so.
SUZY
Kramer. (Begins to motion suggestively)
KRAMER
Hey. Look. Here's my book. Why don't I just, read some of it. To you.
(Cut to the hall)
SCENE - HALL OUTSIDE KRAMER'S APARTMENT
SUZY
You call that writing? You're not a writer.
KRAMER
What? Was it the narration? Because I can use third person. I can use it.
SUZY
I'm out of here.
(As Suzy turns to leave, she bumps right into George who has come to see Jerry. She glares into his eyes and he realizes this is his chance.)
GEORGE
Hey! Watch where you're going.
SUZY
Why don't you watch where you're going.
GEORGE
Yeah! Well go to hell.
(Suzy storms off in a huff.)
GEORGE
Jerry! Jerry! I did it. I did it. Jerry.
KRAMER
Oh, he's not there.
GEORGE
What?
KRAMER
He's not here. He went out.
GEORGE
Oh.
(George slumps his shoulders and walks back down the hall. He sees the elevator about to close and runs for it, making it at the last second. As he rushes inside and slams against the back wall he takes notice of the only other occupant of the car. It is Suzy, the woman whom he has just told to go to hell.)
(George attempts a forced smile. Suzy glares back at him.)
GEORGE
Could you press G for me?
SUZY
You want me to press G for you?
GEORGE
No. I'll do it.
SUZY
Why did you tell me to go to hell?
GEORGE
Because you bumped into me.
SUZY
So?
GEORGE
So you were very unapologetic.
SUZY
Well so were you.
GEORGE
But you bumped into me!
SUZY
And you didn't bump into me? Someone just doesn't bump into someone else. It takes two people to bump.
GEORGE
No. One person bumps. I've bumped into a million people, and it has always been my fault.
SUZY
Well you shouldn't have said that. It wasn't very nice.
GEORGE
Well it's not fair. Everyone else gets to say it. I've never said it before. I've been nice. It doesn't work.
SUZY
I've just been having kind of a bad day.
GEORGE
Oh, you've been having a bad day? You've been having a bad day? I got exact change from a busdriver. There wasn't even an argument. I'm sorry. I had a really bad hot dog this afternoon. It's not sitting right.
(The elevator gets to the ground floor and opens. Suzy presses the button and the doors close again.)
GEORGE
What are you doing?
SUZY
Want to make it up to me? (Suzy presses a button on the elevator key pad?)
GEORGE
That's the roof button. What are you going to the roof for?
(Suzy winks at George. It gradually becomes obvious to George that Suzy wants to have sex with him on the roof of Jerry's apartment. He becomes nervous and extremely agitated at her advances, but remains in the elevator.)
SCENE - STREET
JERRY
Tim. You don't have to go through with this.
TIM
I feel good Jerry. Better than I have in twenty years. I feel great. I feel the best. See that awning, Jerry. I could jump and touch that. You want to see me touch it?
JERRY
No, I don't! I thought you had this under control?
TIM
Well I'm back.
RUSSELL
Are you ready?
TIM
Lets go.
RUSSELL
OK. Here are the rules. I'll call out something, you've got to see it. If you can't see it, and I can, you lose.
TIM
Street rules.
RUSSELL
OK. That plane up there. What carrier?
TIM
Easy. Delta. What does that road work sign on the corner say?
RUSSELL
Road closed 7-10 Saturday and Sunday.
TIM
Damn.
RUSSELL
Thought I couldn't see that far, huh? Well my friend, I (points to his eyes) guess you thought wrong.
JERRY
This guy's like a hawk.
RUSSELL
OK. OK. See that newspaper stand down on the corner? What kind of magazine is that guy buying?
ELAINE
Come on Tim. You can do it. See. See!
TIM
Esquire!
RUSSELL
Vogue! Ha! You lose. I win. I'm the best. Nobody sees better than me. (Starts vigorously rubbing his eyes)
ELAINE
Hey! Wait a second. What is that? Those are contacts. You're wearing contacts! You cheated!
RUSSELL
Hey, that's not cheating! I wear contacts. So what?
ELAINE
So that's an unfair advantage.
RUSSELL
No one ever said anything about contacts.
TIM
I'm sorry Jerry.
RUSSELL
Hey, even without my contacts I can outlook this guy any day of the week.
TIM
I've got to go.
ELAINE
No. Tim. Please. You can do it. I know you can beat him.
JERRY
Look within yourself. Or something.
TIM
Alright. Lets go.
ELAINE
Yes.
RUSSELL
OK. So you're coming back for seconds. OK. See that guy in the blue jacket? What toppings are on that guy's pizza? (Points to Newman eating a large slice of pizza)
TIM
Pepperoni, onions, and...
TIM
Mushrooms!
RUSSELL
Aha.
TIM
No. Anchovies!
(Jerry is quite bored by this whole sight game)
JERRY
I'm gonna go get a pack of gum.
TIM
That building over there. See that antenna on the roof? How many branches are on that antenna?
ELAINE
That's Jerry's building.
RUSSELL
(Straining) Five!
TIM
Six! Ha! I win!
ELAINE
Tim!
JERRY
What happened?
ELAINE
Tim won.
JERRY
What did he see?
ELAINE
The antenna on the roof of your building.
JERRY
There's no antenna on the roof of my building.
ELAINE
Sure there is.
JERRY
No there's not. Why do you think my TV reception's so bad?
ELAINE
Then what is that?
RUSSELL
Wait a second. That's not an antenna. That's someone's feet.
ELAINE
Oh my God!
TIM
Hey! Is that George Costanza?
RUSSELL
So do I win?
ELAINE
Oh, go to hell.
THE END
(Over the end, as the frame freezes, we hear these lines delivered)
SUZY
Oh, George.
GEORGE
My back!
THE END
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