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The Christmas Episode

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE CHRISTMAS EPISODE

 

 

 

 

Author: GProopdog

 

 

 

 

OPENING MONOLOGUE:

 

JERRY

You know. I really hate Christmas shopping. Honestly, I do. I mean, you get in your car, drive to the mall, which is usually a half hour away. and for what? So you can take part in the Pamplona Running of the Bulls...

I'm serious. As soon as you get in there, there's about 100 other people who are aiming to get the stuff you want, and if your too slow, they are going to flatten you. You'll be road kill near the Food Court. Mothers will be going to their kids "Don't touch that Billy, it was run over by those people an hour ago, you don't know where it's been. " I bet one of the many visions of hell is just a long stretch of walkway like a mall with thousands of people rushing to get presents. And if that is hell my friends, I seriously hope I don't go there when I die...

 

 

 

*WE SEE THE INTERIOR OF A MALL WITH MANY PEOPLE WALKING AROUND IT, ALL OF THEM WITH GIGANTIC PACKAGES IN THEIR HANDS. WE SEE JERRY, WITH NO PACKAGES AT ALL, SLOWLY STROLLING PAST THE DIFFERENT STORES, LOOKING INTO EACH ONE AS HE PASSES BY. HE SLOWLY TAKES OUT A LIST FROM HIS POCKET AND LOOKS IT OVER*

 

JERRY

(READING FROM LIST)

Let's see... Mom, Dad, George, Kramer, Elaine, Newman...

(HE LOOKS UP FOR A SECOND, SHOCKED)

My god! What was I thinking?

(HE TAKES A PEN OUT OF HIS POCKET AND SCRIBBLES SOMETHING OFF, PRESUMABLY NEWMAN'S NAME)

God! I get so charitable over the holidays...

 

HE WALKS INTO A SPORTS MEMORABILIA STORE AND LOOKS AROUND AT THE CONTENTS. HE SPOTS A SIGNED BALL AND WALKS OVER TO IT

 

JERRY

(THINKING)

Wow... a baseball signed by Reggie Jackson. George will really like this...

 

AS HE GOES TO GET THE BASEBALL, TWO OLD MEN WALK INTO SHOT, BOTH DEEP IN DISCUSSION.

 

OLD MAN # 1

Your crazy... absolutely crazy... Joe DiMaggio without a doubt was the greatest ball playa there ever was.

 

OLD MAN # 2

Ahh phooie. Every Joe Schmoe knows that Ted Williams was the better player...

 

OLD MAN # 1

Oh yeah...

 

HE TAPS JERRY ON THE SHOULDER, WHO STANDS UP AND LOOKS AT THE TWO.

 

OLD MAN #1

We'll ask him. He seems like a Baseball fan...

(HE LOOKS AT JERRY)

You're a baseball fan right kid?

 

JERRY

Uh. well I haven't really been watching a lot of Baseball lately...

 

OLD MAN # 1

(IGNORING WHAT JERRY JUST SAID)

Good. good... now tell me, who was the best ball player of all time. Joe DiMaggio... or that bum Ted Williams?

 

JERRY

Um... well... actually. I'm in kind of a hurry so I really need to go.

 

HE BEGINS TO BACK AWAY.

 

OLD MAN # 2

No no. I want to hear what you think sonny? Ted Williams or Joe DiMaggio?

 

JERRY

Um... well... If I had to pick one...

(HE IS AT A LOSS FOR WORDS)

 

OLD MAN # 1

How's about this? I'll tell you all about Joe. Then he'll tell you all about that bum Williams. and then you can come to a decision. come on!

 

THEY EACH GRAB A SHOULDER OF JERRY AND BEGIN TO WALK OFF CAMERA AS JERRY STRUGGLES TO GET THE BASEBALL*

 

JERRY

Wait... but I need...

 

AS SOON AS JERRY IS OFF CAMERA, A MAN WITH HIS SON COMES INTO SHOT. THE SON POINTS TO THE BALL AND THE MAN TAKES IT OFF THE SHELF, THEY THEN WALK OFF CAMERA.

 

 

 

CUT TO ANOTHER STORE IN THE MALL, A CLOTHING STORE. ELAINE IS BROWSING AT THE DIFFERENT SHIRTS WHEN SHE SPOTS ONE SHE LIKES. SHE SMILES.

 

ELAINE

(THINKING)

Hey. This is the same shirt Jerry said he wanted to get for months... this will be a perfect Christmas gift.

 

SHE REACHES TO GET THE SHIRT, BUT DROPS HER PURSE ACCIDENTALLY.

 

ELAINE

(THINKING)

Opps. dropped my purse.

 

SHE REACHES DOWN TO GET IT. AS SHE DOES, ANOTHER WOMAN SPOTS THE SHIRT AND GOES TO GRAB IT. ELAINE GETS UP AND SPOTS THE WOMAN. ELAINE QUICKLY PUTS HER HAND ON THE SHIRT AS THE OTHER WOMAN DOES.

 

ELAINE

Excuse me but ah... I was going to get this shirt.

 

WOMAN

Well I didn't see you going to pick it up... and this shirt is perfect for my husband...

 

ELAINE

(PULLING THE SHIRT CLOSER TO HER)

Oh no no. You see, I found the shirt first but then I dropped my purse... and I was just picking it up when you decided to grab the shirt for yourself... sorry but finders keepers.

 

WOMAN

(PULLING SHIRT AWAY FROM ELAINE)

Excuse me but you can't just claim a shirt for yourself... you weren't near it when I came over to it.

 

BOTH WOMAN NOW BEGIN TO HAVE A TUG-O-WAR OVER THE SHIRT, YET IT'S EVEN AFTER A FULL HARD TUGS FROM THE BOTH OF THEM.

 

ELAINE

You know one of us is going to have to let go of this shirt and it's not going to be me sweety.

 

WOMAN

grrr... let go of the shirt now!

 

ELAINE

WHY DON'T YOU MAKE ME!

 

THE TWO WOMEN BEGIN TO FIGHT OVER THE SHIRT AND TAKE IT OFF CAMERA.

 

 

 

WE NOW CUT TO ANOTHER STORE IN THE MALL, THIS ONE A MUSIC AND VIDEO STORE. GEORGE IS SCANNING THE SHELVES FOR A VIDEO. HE SIGHS, ANNOYED.

 

GEORGE

(Thinking)

Jeez... you'd think they have the movie Superman in a video store... it's a well known movie... but nooooooo... I've had to look up and down these shelves at least 10 times... and nothing... absolutely nothing... Well, maybe that "Best of Frankie Valle" CD came out. Then at least I could get my mom a present tonight.

 

HE SUDDENLY SPOTS A WOMAN BROWSING THE CD RACKS. HE SMILES AND SLICKS BACK HIS HAIR, OR WHAT'S LEFT OF IT, AND BEGINS TO CONFIDENTLY STRIDE OVER TO HER. SHE DOES NOT YET NOTICE THIS. HE FINALLY STOPS, LEANING AGAINST ONE OF THE RACKS AND SMILING.

 

GEORGE

Hi...

 

THE WOMAN LOOKS UP AND SMILES ALITTLE.

 

WOMAN

Uh... hi...

 

GEORGE

Christmas shopping huh?

 

WOMAN

uh... yep... Christmas shopping...

 

GEORGE

Ah... ah... I see... um... is it for your husband or boyfriend by any chance?

 

WOMAN

(RAISING AN EYEBROW)

No... I'm single actually...

 

GEORGE

Ooooooh. single huh? Well uh. my name's George...

 

WOMAN

Sandy...

 

GEORGE

Hey Sandy. Sandy... beautiful name...

 

SANDY

Thanks.

(SHE GOES BACK TO LOOKING AT THE CD'S. )

 

GEORGE

(MOVING CLOSER TO HER) So uh... looking for any... particular singer... ?

 

SANDY

Um... Michael Bolton...

 

GEORGE

Oh really... good singer... I loved his rendition of "When A Man loves a woman"

 

SANDY

really?... me too.

 

GEORGE

Yeah...

 

HE LEANS MORE AGAINST THE RACK, WHICH CAUSES IT TO FALL OVER, CAUSING GEORGE TO TOPPLE TO THE FLOOR. HE GETS UP QUICKLY AND BRUSHES HIMSELF OFF.

 

GEORGE

I meant to do that...

 

HE WALKS OFF, EMBARRASSED.

 

 

 

WE CUT TO A NOVELTY STORE WHERE KRAMER IS CLUMSILY BROWSING ABOUT, TRYING OUT THE DIFFERENT THINGS. A CHINESE MAN WEARING A WHITE SHIT, TANNISH PANTS AND A WHITE APRON WALKS OVER TO HIM.

 

MR. WYN

Ah... Mr. Kramer... so good to see you again...

 

KRAMER

Woah. hey. Mr. Wyn. looking good... did you lose weight? Is that a new wig?

 

MR. WYN

(LAUGHING)

Oh. Mr. Kramer... you always know how to make me laugh you are such a good customer.

(his tone then turns serious)

But if you touch one more thing in my store I will kick you out.

(he smiles again and walks away. )

 

Kramer looks after him a second, then looks at an item on a shelf.

 

KRAMER

Heeeey... a Chinese finger trap...

(he picks it up and fiddles with it, finally putting it on one finger from each hand. He looks at it with his trademark goofy smile)

Cool...

(he suddenly realizes he should take it off. After several attempts to get himself lose, he realizes he is stuck. )

Oh no... oh no... Mr. Wyn. help!

 

he tries to walk, but he trips over a box on the floor and lands on a pile of boxes placed near the wall... he stumbles up and trips out of the store, finger trap still on his hand.

 

 

 

We come back from the commercial with the two old men still leading Jerry around and talking about DiMaggio and Williams.

 

OLD MAN # 1

Now DiMaggio had 56 consecutive games where he got a hit. Ted Williams never got that...

 

OLD MAN # 2

Ah poo. Teddy boy hit the most homeruns in several seasons that bum DiMaggio could never do that.

 

OLD MAN # 1

Only because that schmuck Babe Ruth was hogging the spotlight Joe was the real star of the Yankees.

 

All the while, Jerry listens with a fake smile, though he really wants to rid himself of them

 

JERRY

(thinking)

I'm going crazy. I can't take it. these two guys won't leave me alone until I say who's better... I have to bail out now!

 

(Jerry finally breaks away from them and turns around to face them)

 

JERRY

DIMAGGIO WAS BETTER OK! LEAVE ME ALONE!

 

He rushes off. The two old men look at each other silently for a second

 

OLD MAN # 1

I told you so...

 

OLD MAN # 2

Ah shut up...

 

They both walk off camera arguing again.

 

 

 

We now go to the clothing store checkout line, where Elaine and the woman are still fighting over the shirt, causing several people to look at them

 

ELAINE

IT'S MINE!

 

WOMAN

NO! IT'S MINE!

 

ELAINE

LET GO OF IT!

 

WOMAN

IT'S FOR MY HUSBAND!

 

ELAINE

SCREW YOUR HUSBAND! IT'S FOR MY FRIEND!

 

A security guard walks over to the two and breaks them up

 

GUARD

Ok ok. knock it off...

 

The two women quiet down.

 

GUARD

Now what is going on here?

 

ELAINE

Ok sir. now I was going to get this shirt for my friend. he's been talking about getting it for weeks... and as I was going to get it. she decides to run over and steal it from me!

 

WOMEN

Of all the nerve... she's lying sir. I was merely going to get it for my husband and she insisted she was taking it for herself.

 

ELAINE

You know what? I am getting sick of you... let's go. right now.

(she drops the shirt and puts her fists up to fight the woman. )

 

WOMAN

Are you serious?

 

ELAINE

As serious as anyone can be sweety.

 

WOMAN

Oh that does it...

 

Both women begin to cat fight, but they are quickly broken up by the guard

 

GUARD

HEY! Knock it off or your both being thrown out!

 

ELAINE AND WOMAN

Oh shut up baldy!

 

They resume the cat fight. The guard, joined by several others, separate the two and haul them off off camera

 

 

 

We cut over to George in another part of the Video and Music store. Sandy is now near the checkout line. George breathes in and begins to walk over to her

 

GEORGE

(thinking)

Steady now George... keep confident. pretend that whole thing with the racks never even happened... just be yourself.

 

He finally goes over to her and smiles

 

GEORGE

It's me again...

 

SANDY

Oh hey. um... are you ok from before?

 

GEORGE

Huh? Oh yeah. I mean... the rack's in these stores are so flimsy these days a baby could break them... it happens all the time.

 

SANDY

Oh...

(she gets her bag and receipt)

Well. it was nice to meet you... Merry Christmas.

(she begins to walk out the store)

 

GEORGE

Woah uh. wait a second Sandy

(he catches up to her)

um... maybe we could... have a cup of coffee together sometime.

 

SANDY

Um... well honestly George. I don't know.

 

GEORGE

Oh come on... why are you so hesitant about it?

 

SANDY

Honestly?

 

GEORGE

Honestly...

 

SANDY

You creep the hell out of me. Bye.

 

With that, she walks off, leaving George to look after her.

 

GEORGE

(After a beat)

Well... thanks for being honest.

(Another beat)

Merry Christmas...

(he sighs)

I hate myself...

(with that, he walks off camera. )

 

 

 

Meanwhile, we cut to Kramer stumbling around the food court, still trying to get the finger trap off of his fingers. He goes over to a woman on the phone and puts his arms up

 

KRAMER

Excuse me! Do you know how to get these... things... off me.

 

His arms accidentally go around her waist. She gasps, then screams and looks at Kramer

 

WOMAN

RAPIST!

(She slaps Kramer silly then pushes him away, she calls for help)

Security... he tried to rape me! Help!

 

Kramer shrieks and begins to run, as best he can, off camera.

 

 

 

We then cut to Jerry once again in the sports memorabilia store. He is walking left, and Newman is walking right. They bump into each other

 

NEWMAN

Excuse me...

(he realizes it's Jerry)

Oh... why hello Jerry...

 

JERRY

Hello Newman...

 

NEWMAN

Well well... doing some Christmas shopping are we Seinfeld?

 

JERRY

Yeah.

(stares down Newman)

What's it too you?

 

NEWMAN

Oh nothing. nothing at all.

(he turns and begins to walk away. He finally stops and goes back to Jerry)

Of course... if you happen to be looking for a good Christmas card... I may be able to get you a good deal on some... for a small price of course.

 

JERRY

Oh come off it Newman! I'd pay less for a new car then any deal you supposedly have. Thanks but no thanks...

 

NEWMAN

Why Jerry. I am very shocked and offended at this sudden unbelieving... are you saying that I would cheat you out on some Greeting Cards during Christmas?

(he huffs)

You my dear sir. just blew the chance of a lifetime then... I will not give my greeting cards to someone who acts like that.

 

JERRY

(Sarcastically)

Aww. I'm so heartbroken now. I'll go cry over here if you'll excuse me...

 

Jerry walks off camera. Newman looks off camera at Jerry and scoffs

 

NEWMAN

Ha! Fool... you truly do not know a good deal when you see one.

(he takes some Christmas cards out of his pocket and shuffles them around his hands)

Isn't that right... my little money making beauties?

(He begins to laugh evilly until he notices several people staring at him. He stops laughing and clears his throat)

Sorry...

(he walks off camera slowly)

 

 

 

We cut to Jerry milling about with the people

 

VOICE OVER Intercom

Attention shoppers... the Mall will be closing in 5 minutes... please make all of your last minute purchases and exit the mall now...

 

JERRY

Oh Terrific... I got nothing done...

(sighs)

There's always tomorrow I guess...

 

 

 

We cut to Jerry walking outside the front of the mall towards his car. George, Elaine, and Kramer happen to be sitting on the curb. Jerry spots them and walks over to them

 

JERRY

Hey... guys...

 

ELAINE, GEORGE, and KRAMER

(sadly)

Hey Jerry...

 

JERRY

Um... so... what were you guys up to?

 

GEORGE

Oh... nothing...

 

ELAINE

Same here...

 

KRAMER

Yep...

 

The two old men from before walk outside and spot Jerry.

 

OLD MAN # 2

There he is. I'll convince him yet that Ted Williams was better.

 

OLD MAN # 1

In your dreams.

(shouts to Jerry)

Hey Son! Over here!

 

Jerry shrieks and runs off camera.

 

 

 

We then cut to a security guard coming out with the woman who was fighting over the sweater with Elaine

 

WOMAN

There she is sir!

 

Elaine gasps and runs off camera. Leaving Kramer and George alone

 

KRAMER

George?

 

GEORGE

(Head down)

What Kramer?

 

KRAMER

Got any idea how to get these off?

(he shows George the finger trap he's caught in)

 

Suddenly, the woman from the food court comes out with several security guards

 

WOMAN

There!

(points at Kramer)

There's the pervert officers!

 

GUARD

Let's get him boys!

 

they begin to rush towards Kramer

 

KRAMER

ACK!

 

He runs off camera, with the guards following close behind. George is now left alone on the curb. He is silent for a beat

 

GEORGE

And this is supposed to be a peaceful, loving time huh?

(he tuts)

Merry Christmas...

 

He gets up and walks off dejectedly and the camera freezes as the end credits come on

 

 

 

Closing Monologue

 

JERRY

You ever wonder why old people are always arguing about something? Especially if it has to do with sports. I mean, you get two old guys in a room within 10 feet of each other and they will automatically pick each other's scents up and get together to argue about something. I dunno, it's like one of them goes

(Makes a beeping noise)

Guy my age at three o clock, he's a football fan... must argue over who's a better quarterback.

(makes beep noise and mimics walking over to person)

It's like clockwork people...

 

The camera freezes on Jerry and the credits end

 

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