THE CHRISTMAS EPISODE
You know. I really hate Christmas shopping. Honestly,
I do. I mean, you get in your car, drive to the mall, which is usually a half
hour away. and for what? So you can take part in the
Pamplona Running of the Bulls...
I'm serious. As soon as you get in there, there's
about 100 other people who are aiming to get the stuff you want, and if your too slow, they are going to flatten you. You'll be road
kill near the Food Court. Mothers will be going to their kids "Don't
touch that Billy, it was run over by those people an hour ago, you don't know
where it's been. " I bet one of the many visions
of hell is just a long stretch of walkway like a mall with thousands of people
rushing to get presents. And if that is hell my friends, I seriously hope I
don't go there when I die...
*WE SEE THE INTERIOR OF A MALL WITH MANY PEOPLE
WALKING AROUND IT, ALL OF THEM WITH GIGANTIC PACKAGES IN THEIR HANDS. WE SEE
JERRY, WITH NO PACKAGES AT ALL, SLOWLY STROLLING PAST THE DIFFERENT STORES,
LOOKING INTO EACH ONE AS HE PASSES BY. HE SLOWLY TAKES OUT A LIST FROM HIS
POCKET AND LOOKS IT OVER*
(READING FROM LIST)
Let's see... Mom, Dad, George, Kramer, Elaine,
(HE LOOKS UP FOR A SECOND, SHOCKED)
My god! What was I thinking?
(HE TAKES A PEN OUT OF HIS POCKET AND SCRIBBLES
SOMETHING OFF, PRESUMABLY NEWMAN'S NAME)
God! I get so charitable over the holidays...
HE WALKS INTO A SPORTS MEMORABILIA STORE AND LOOKS AROUND
AT THE CONTENTS. HE SPOTS A SIGNED BALL AND WALKS OVER TO IT
Wow... a baseball signed by Reggie Jackson. George
will really like this...
AS HE GOES TO GET THE BASEBALL, TWO OLD MEN WALK INTO
SHOT, BOTH DEEP IN DISCUSSION.
OLD MAN # 1
Your crazy... absolutely crazy... Joe DiMaggio
without a doubt was the greatest ball playa there ever was.
OLD MAN # 2
Ahh phooie. Every Joe Schmoe knows
that Ted Williams was the better player...
OLD MAN # 1
HE TAPS JERRY ON THE SHOULDER, WHO STANDS UP AND
LOOKS AT THE TWO.
OLD MAN #1
We'll ask him. He seems like a Baseball fan...
(HE LOOKS AT JERRY)
You're a baseball fan right kid?
Uh. well I haven't really been
watching a lot of Baseball lately...
OLD MAN # 1
(IGNORING WHAT JERRY JUST SAID)
Good. good... now tell me,
who was the best ball player of all time. Joe DiMaggio... or that bum Ted
Um... well... actually. I'm in kind of a hurry so I really need to go.
HE BEGINS TO BACK AWAY.
OLD MAN # 2
I want to hear what you think sonny? Ted Williams or Joe
Um... well... If I had to pick one...
(HE IS AT A LOSS FOR WORDS)
OLD MAN # 1
How's about this? I'll tell you all about Joe. Then
he'll tell you all about that bum Williams. and then
you can come to a decision. come on!
THEY EACH GRAB A SHOULDER OF JERRY AND BEGIN TO WALK
OFF CAMERA AS JERRY STRUGGLES TO GET THE BASEBALL*
Wait... but I need...
AS SOON AS JERRY IS OFF CAMERA, A MAN WITH HIS SON
COMES INTO SHOT. THE SON POINTS TO THE BALL AND THE MAN TAKES IT OFF THE SHELF,
THEY THEN WALK OFF CAMERA.
CUT TO ANOTHER STORE IN THE MALL, A
CLOTHING STORE. ELAINE IS BROWSING AT THE DIFFERENT SHIRTS WHEN SHE
SPOTS ONE SHE LIKES. SHE SMILES.
Hey. This is the same shirt Jerry said he wanted to
get for months... this will be a perfect Christmas gift.
SHE REACHES TO GET THE SHIRT, BUT DROPS HER PURSE
Opps. dropped my purse.
SHE REACHES DOWN TO GET IT. AS SHE DOES, ANOTHER
WOMAN SPOTS THE SHIRT AND GOES TO GRAB IT. ELAINE GETS UP AND SPOTS THE WOMAN.
ELAINE QUICKLY PUTS HER HAND ON THE SHIRT AS THE OTHER WOMAN DOES.
Excuse me but ah... I was going to get this shirt.
Well I didn't see you going to pick it up... and this
shirt is perfect for my husband...
(PULLING THE SHIRT CLOSER TO HER)
Oh no no. You see, I found
the shirt first but then I dropped my purse... and I was just picking it up
when you decided to grab the shirt for yourself... sorry but finders
(PULLING SHIRT AWAY FROM ELAINE)
Excuse me but you can't just claim a shirt for
yourself... you weren't near it when I came over to it.
BOTH WOMAN NOW BEGIN TO HAVE
A TUG-O-WAR OVER THE SHIRT, YET IT'S EVEN AFTER A FULL HARD TUGS FROM THE BOTH
You know one of us is going to have to let go of this
shirt and it's not going to be me sweety.
grrr... let go of the shirt now!
WHY DON'T YOU MAKE ME!
THE TWO WOMEN BEGIN TO FIGHT OVER THE SHIRT AND TAKE
IT OFF CAMERA.
WE NOW CUT TO ANOTHER STORE IN THE MALL, THIS ONE A
MUSIC AND VIDEO STORE. GEORGE IS SCANNING THE SHELVES FOR A VIDEO. HE SIGHS,
Jeez... you'd think they have the movie Superman in a
video store... it's a well known movie... but nooooooo...
I've had to look up and down these shelves at least 10 times... and nothing...
absolutely nothing... Well, maybe that "Best of Frankie Valle" CD
came out. Then at least I could get my mom a present tonight.
HE SUDDENLY SPOTS A WOMAN BROWSING THE CD RACKS. HE
SMILES AND SLICKS BACK HIS HAIR, OR WHAT'S LEFT OF IT, AND BEGINS TO
CONFIDENTLY STRIDE OVER TO HER. SHE DOES NOT YET NOTICE THIS. HE FINALLY STOPS,
LEANING AGAINST ONE OF THE RACKS AND SMILING.
THE WOMAN LOOKS UP AND SMILES
Christmas shopping huh?
uh... yep... Christmas shopping...
Ah... ah... I see... um... is it for your husband or boyfriend
by any chance?
(RAISING AN EYEBROW)
No... I'm single actually...
Ooooooh. single huh? Well uh. my name's George...
Hey Sandy. Sandy... beautiful name...
(SHE GOES BACK TO LOOKING AT THE CD'S. )
(MOVING CLOSER TO HER) So uh... looking for any...
particular singer... ?
Um... Michael Bolton...
Oh really... good singer... I loved his rendition of
"When A Man loves a woman"
really?... me too.
HE LEANS MORE AGAINST THE RACK, WHICH CAUSES IT TO
FALL OVER, CAUSING GEORGE TO TOPPLE TO THE FLOOR. HE GETS UP QUICKLY AND
BRUSHES HIMSELF OFF.
I meant to do that...
HE WALKS OFF, EMBARRASSED.
WE CUT TO A NOVELTY STORE WHERE KRAMER IS CLUMSILY
BROWSING ABOUT, TRYING OUT THE DIFFERENT THINGS. A CHINESE MAN WEARING A WHITE
SHIT, TANNISH PANTS AND A WHITE APRON WALKS OVER TO HIM.
Ah... Mr. Kramer... so good to see you again...
Woah. hey. Mr. Wyn.
looking good... did you lose weight? Is that a new
Oh. Mr. Kramer... you always know how to make me
laugh you are such a good customer.
(his tone then turns
But if you touch one more thing in my store I will
kick you out.
(he smiles again and
walks away. )
Kramer looks after him a
second, then looks at an item on a shelf.
Heeeey... a Chinese finger trap...
(he picks it up and
fiddles with it, finally putting it on one finger from each hand. He looks at
it with his trademark goofy smile)
(he suddenly realizes he
should take it off. After several attempts to get himself lose, he realizes he
is stuck. )
Oh no... oh no... Mr. Wyn. help!
he tries to walk, but he
trips over a box on the floor and lands on a pile of boxes placed near the
wall... he stumbles up and trips out of the store, finger trap still on his
We come back from the
commercial with the two old men still leading Jerry around and talking about
DiMaggio and Williams.
OLD MAN # 1
Now DiMaggio had 56 consecutive games where he got a
hit. Ted Williams never got that...
OLD MAN # 2
Ah poo. Teddy boy hit the
most homeruns in several seasons that bum DiMaggio could never do that.
OLD MAN # 1
Only because that schmuck Babe Ruth was hogging the
spotlight Joe was the real star of the Yankees.
All the while, Jerry
listens with a fake smile, though he really wants to rid himself of them
I'm going crazy. I can't take it. these
two guys won't leave me alone until I say who's better... I have to bail out
(Jerry finally breaks
away from them and turns around to face them)
DIMAGGIO WAS BETTER OK! LEAVE ME ALONE!
He rushes off. The two
old men look at each other silently for a second
OLD MAN # 1
I told you so...
OLD MAN # 2
Ah shut up...
They both walk off camera
We now go to the clothing
store checkout line, where Elaine and the woman are still fighting over the
shirt, causing several people to look at them
NO! IT'S MINE!
LET GO OF IT!
IT'S FOR MY HUSBAND!
SCREW YOUR HUSBAND! IT'S FOR MY FRIEND!
A security guard walks
over to the two and breaks them up
Ok ok. knock
The two women quiet down.
Now what is going on here?
Ok sir. now I was going to
get this shirt for my friend. he's been talking about
getting it for weeks... and as I was going to get it. she
decides to run over and steal it from me!
Of all the nerve... she's lying
sir. I was merely going to get it for my husband and she insisted she was
taking it for herself.
You know what? I am getting sick of you... let's go. right now.
(she drops the shirt and
puts her fists up to fight the woman. )
Are you serious?
As serious as anyone can be sweety.
Oh that does it...
Both women begin to cat
fight, but they are quickly broken up by the guard
HEY! Knock it off or your
both being thrown out!
ELAINE AND WOMAN
Oh shut up baldy!
They resume the cat
fight. The guard, joined by several others, separate the two and haul them off off camera
We cut over to George in
another part of the Video and Music store. Sandy is now near the checkout
line. George breathes in and begins to walk over to her
Steady now George... keep
confident. pretend that whole thing with the racks
never even happened... just be yourself.
He finally goes over to
her and smiles
It's me again...
Oh hey. um... are you ok
Huh? Oh yeah. I mean... the rack's
in these stores are so flimsy these days a baby could break them... it happens
all the time.
(she gets her bag and
Well. it was nice to meet
you... Merry Christmas.
(she begins to walk out
Woah uh. wait a second Sandy
(he catches up to her)
um... maybe we could... have a cup of coffee together
Um... well honestly George. I don't know.
Oh come on... why are you so hesitant about it?
You creep the hell out of
With that, she walks off,
leaving George to look after her.
(After a beat)
Well... thanks for being honest.
I hate myself...
(with that, he walks off
Meanwhile, we cut to
Kramer stumbling around the food court, still trying to get the
finger trap off of his fingers. He goes over to a woman on the phone and puts
his arms up
Excuse me! Do you know how to get these... things...
His arms accidentally go
around her waist. She gasps, then screams and looks at Kramer
(She slaps Kramer silly
then pushes him away, she calls for help)
Security... he tried to rape me! Help!
Kramer shrieks and begins
to run, as best he can, off camera.
We then cut to Jerry once
again in the sports memorabilia store. He is walking left, and Newman is
walking right. They bump into each other
(he realizes it's Jerry)
Oh... why hello Jerry...
Well well... doing some
Christmas shopping are we Seinfeld?
(stares down Newman)
What's it too you?
Oh nothing. nothing at all.
(he turns and begins to
walk away. He finally stops and goes back to Jerry)
Of course... if you happen to be looking for a good
Christmas card... I may be able to get you a good deal on some... for a small
price of course.
Oh come off it Newman! I'd pay less for a new car
then any deal you supposedly have. Thanks but no thanks...
Why Jerry. I am very shocked and offended at this
sudden unbelieving... are you saying that I would cheat you out on some
Greeting Cards during Christmas?
You my dear sir. just blew the chance of a
lifetime then... I will not give my greeting cards to someone who acts like
Aww. I'm so heartbroken now. I'll go cry over here if you'll
Jerry walks off camera.
Newman looks off camera at Jerry and scoffs
Ha! Fool... you truly do not know a good deal when
you see one.
(he takes some Christmas
cards out of his pocket and shuffles them around his hands)
Isn't that right... my little money making beauties?
(He begins to laugh
evilly until he notices several people staring at him. He stops laughing and
clears his throat)
(he walks off camera
We cut to Jerry milling
about with the people
VOICE OVER Intercom
Attention shoppers... the Mall will be closing in 5
minutes... please make all of your last minute purchases and exit the mall
Oh Terrific... I got nothing done...
There's always tomorrow I guess...
We cut to Jerry walking
outside the front of the mall towards his car. George, Elaine, and Kramer
happen to be sitting on the curb. Jerry spots them and walks over to them
ELAINE, GEORGE, and KRAMER
Um... so... what were you guys up to?
The two old men from
before walk outside and spot Jerry.
OLD MAN # 2
There he is. I'll convince him yet that Ted Williams
OLD MAN # 1
In your dreams.
(shouts to Jerry)
Hey Son! Over here!
Jerry shrieks and runs
We then cut to a security
guard coming out with the woman who was fighting over the sweater with Elaine
There she is sir!
Elaine gasps and runs off
camera. Leaving Kramer and George alone
Got any idea how to get these off?
(he shows George the
finger trap he's caught in)
Suddenly, the woman from
the food court comes out with several
(points at Kramer)
There's the pervert officers!
Let's get him boys!
they begin to rush
He runs off camera, with
the guards following close behind. George is now left alone on the curb. He is
silent for a beat
And this is supposed to be a peaceful, loving time
He gets up and walks off
dejectedly and the camera freezes as the end credits come on
You ever wonder why old people are always arguing
about something? Especially if it
has to do with sports. I mean, you get two old guys in a room within 10
feet of each other and they will automatically pick each other's scents up and
get together to argue about something. I dunno, it's
like one of them goes
(Makes a beeping noise)
Guy my age at three o clock,
he's a football fan... must argue over who's a better quarterback.
(makes beep noise and
mimics walking over to person)
It's like clockwork people...
The camera freezes on
Jerry and the credits end