THE CAT
Author: Sherman Krysher
FADE IN:
INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT
JERRY IS PERFORMING.
JERRY
I've never been a pet person, but I have a special
aversion for cats particularly. The thing I really can't accept about cats is
this litter-box thing. Not to put too fine a point on it, but it's excrement
that stays in the house! I mean, you wouldn't use a litter-box for your dog,
would you? My God, can you just imagine? And why not go just one step further?
Would you ever consider - even for a moment - doing a "number one" or
a "number two" in a sandbox in a corner of your kitchen? And not just
once, mind you; I'm talking about letting it pile up for a few days before
tossing the whole mess into a plastic bag and setting it out on the street with
the garbage. I mean what is so special about cat poop? I think this explains
why cats walk around like their stuff doesn't stink!
ACT ONE
INT. JERRY'S APT. - NIGHT
JERRY IS RELAXING ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV.
TV ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
. . .and coming up on the six o'clock news at ten, film at eleven.
SFX: DOOR BUZZER
JERRY
Hold on, hold on.
JERRY WALKS TO THE FRONT DOOR AND PRESSES THE
INTERCOM BUTTON.
JERRY (cont'd)
Speak and be heard.
DELIVERY GUY (V.O.)
(FILTERED)
Uh, yeah, got a package for Mr. Steinfield.
JERRY
That's Seinfeld.
DELIVERY GUY (V.O.)
(FILTERED)
Whatever.
JERRY
Come on up.
JERRY WALKS TO TV AND TURNS IT OFF. THERE IS A KNOCK
ON THE DOOR. JERRY OPENS IT. A SCRAGGLY-LOOKING DELIVERY GUY IS STANDING THERE
HOLDING A VENTILATED PET CARRIER IN ONE HAND.
DELIVERY GUY
Jerry Sin-filled?
JERRY
That's Seinfeld.
THE DELIVERY GUY THRUSTS THE CARRIER AT JERRY. JERRY
TAKES IT, CAUGHT OFF-GUARD.
DELIVERY GUY
A girl named Bindy Smothers sends this cat. She wrote
a rhyming little song
(holds up note)
that I felt I should spare us both. The gist of it is
she's moving to Australia and can't take it with her, and apparently the two
of you picked it out together so she thought you should have it.
JERRY
What?!
(looks inside carrier)
There's a cat in here!
DELIVERY GUY
To sum up: yes, there's a cat in there.
JERRY
I didn't order this!
(thrusts carrier back at
Delivery Guy)
Take it back!
DELIVERY GUY
Buddy, there's nowhere to take it back to.
(starts filling out forms
on a pad he is carrying)
JERRY
But we only went out for a month! I just happened to
be there when she picked it out! I haven't even talked to her in five years!
It's not our cat! It's her cat!
DELIVERY GUY
Well, now it's yer cat.
(hands Jerry the aborted
note and a receipt)
THE DELIVERY GUY TURNS AND LEAVES.
JERRY
Wait! You can't just leave this here! I don't want
this stupid thing!
THERE IS A LOUD MEOW. JERRY TURNS HIS ATTENTION TO
THE CARRIER.
JERRY (cont'd)
No! Bad cat! No meow! Bad cat!
CUT TO:
INT. MONK'S PLACE - DAY
ELAINE, KRAMER AND JERRY ARE SITTING AT A BOOTH
TALKING OVER COFFEE.
ELAINE
So a woman you dated almost six years ago just hired
a delivery service to abandon a cat on your doorstep?
JERRY
Can you believe that? What kind of mother is she
going to make?
ELAINE
At least she didn't drown the poor thing.
JERRY
It's still a distinct possibility, Elaine. I don't
want a stupid cat! I'm a firm believer in segregation by species.
KRAMER
Y'know, Jerry, we humans are the only animals on
Earth that keep other animals as pets. It's a very profound thing: one species
co-habitating with another in a loving, trusting, and to a large degree,
symbiotic relationship. In a world of war and killing and hate and despair,
that simple attribute of human nature may be the one saving grace of mankind.
JERRY
Fine. You take him.
KRAMER
Oh no, not me. I hate cats. Grind 'em all up for dog
food, that's what I say. Now a dog. There's a real animal: loyal, strong, practical!
ELAINE
(to Jerry)
So what are you going to do with him?
JERRY
Put an ad in the paper, I don't know. I like that
dog-food idea. Who do we know with a large undernourished canine?
ELAINE
Jerr-rree!
KRAMER
Hey, I know this guy who breeds Rottweilers! Boy oh
boy, they'd just sink their teeth in and rrrrrip 'em up, Jerry, rrrrrip 'em up!
It'd be like one of those "Trials Of Life" videos!
JERRY IS LEADING ELAINE. KRAMER ACTS SERIOUS.
ELAINE
C'mon, you guys, be serious!
GEORGE ENTERS AND HEADS FOR THE TABLE.
JERRY
Maybe we could throw 'em a few live mice first, you
know, for an appetizer.
KRAMER
What's for desert?
GEORGE
Hey, what's up?
KRAMER
Jerry's got a cat and we're going to feed it to a
pack of Rottweilers.
ELAINE GETS UP TO LEAVE AND GEORGE TAKES HER SPOT.
JERRY
Listen, Elaine, see if you can't find someone who can
take the cat.
ELAINE
No problem, Jer. Every guy I know wants a little
pussy.
JERRY GIVES HER A DISGUSTED LOOK, ELAINE SMILES AND
LEAVES.
JERRY
So George, I ran into Newman yesterday. He said he
saw you out with a really attractive girl.
GEORGE
Ah, yes. Just another one of your average,
run-of-the-mill magazine models. No biggie. I met her at a ballgame. She was a
guest of Mr. Steinbrenner.
JERRY
Ah. How nice for you. What's her handle?
GEORGE
Tara. Exotic, isn't it?
JERRY
Very exotic. Has a classy, "chic" sound to
it.
GEORGE
I just love introducing her to people.
JERRY
Tar-a. Yes... very nice.
GEORGE
Tar-a. The name makes her sound like -
KRAMER
A rat.
PAUSE.
GEORGE
What?
KRAMER
A rat. That's "Tara" backwards.
GEORGE
A rat?
JERRY
Well, that takes the lustre right off of that name.
GEORGE
Kramer, what in the world made you think of that?
KRAMER
My grandfather.
JERRY
Your grandfather?
KRAMER
Elba.
GEORGE
Elba?
KRAMER
Yeah, Elba.
It's a biblical name.
JERRY
(figures it out)
Remark-able Elba Kramer!
GEORGE
What?
KRAMER
(snap/points at Jerry)
You got it, Mister Man.
GEORGE
Got what?!
JERRY
When you say Elba Kramer backwards, it's remarkable!
GEORGE
What's so remarkable about that?!
JERRY
Oh, forget it. Either of you guys want to come to the
pet store with me?
GEORGE
You really got a cat, Jerry? You?
JERRY
Yeah, yeah. I'll explain on the way.
GEORGE
Sure, what the heck. I'm free.
KRAMER
Not me. I got a toothache. I have to go find
something at the drug store.
GEORGE
Drug store? A toothache? Why don't you just see a
dentist?
KRAMER
Oh, no. They're never putting me under again.
JERRY
(visibly uncomfortable)
We, uh, had an unpleasant experience with our last
dentist. Sort of left a bad taste in our mouths.
GEORGE
You mean that thing about you guys being molested
while you were under the gas?
KRAMER
I'm still rinsing.
(stands)
Well, gotta go. See you gents.
KRAMER EXITS.
GEORGE
You know, you could spend your whole life, search the
whole world over, and never find another nut like Kramer.
JERRY
No way. Not a chance.
CUT TO:
EXT. - NEW YORK STREET - DAY
KRAMER IS STROLLING DOWN THE STREET CARRYING A BAG OF
GROCERIES, NOT PAYING MUCH ATTENTION WHERE HE'S GOING. HE ROUNDS A CORNER AND
COLLIDES WITH A TALL SCRAGGLY FELLOW IN A JEAN JACKET. THEY BOTH GO DOWN,
KRAMER SPILLING HIS GOODS. THEY STAND UP; THE OTHER FELLOW IS JIM IGNATOWSKI
(CHRISTOPHER LLOYD) FROM "TAXI."
KRAMER
Hey, why don't you watch where you're going, buddy!
IGNATOWSKI
Oh, uh, yeah, yeah, I'm sorry. Here, let me help you
with that stuff...
THEY BOTH REACH/BEND DOWN IN UNISON AND CLOCK EACH
OTHER IN THE HEAD.
KRAMER
Ow! Look, you ignoramus, why don't you just get away
from me? Okay?!
IGNATOWSKI
(rubbing his noggin)
Uh, yeah, sure. Whatever you say. Hey, um, can I give
you a lift somewhere? I got a taxi just around the corner.
KRAMER
(collecting his stuff)
Life's too short as it is, buddy. Man, I can't
believe they give guys like you a license to drive. Just pay a little more
attention, huh?! What do you say?!
KRAMER CONTINUES ON HIS WAY.
IGNATOWSKI
Jeez. What a wacko.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APT. - DAY
JERRY ENTERS BALANCING A LARGE BURDEN OF CAT
SUPPLIES, INCLUDING A COVERED LITTER-BOX WITH A LONG HOSE ATTACHED, A BAG OF
LITTER, AND FOOD. HE BARELY NEGOTIATES THE DOORWAY AND AS HE SHUTS THE DOOR
WITH HIS FOOT THE LITTER FALLS AND EXPLODES ON THE FLOOR.
JERRY
Great! Just great!
THE CAT RUNS RIGHT TO THE LITTER AND STARTS
SCRATCHING AND CIRCLING ANXIOUSLY IN IT. JERRY TRIES TO SHOO THE CAT FROM THE
SPILLED LITTER WITH HIS FEET WHILE BALANCING HIS LOAD OF PACKAGES.
JERRY (cont'd)
Hey! Shoo! Don't even think about it! Get away from
there!
JERRY GIVES UP AND JUST STARES AT THE FLOOR WHERE THE
CAT IS NOW RELIEVING ITSELF.
JERRY (cont'd)
(to the cat)
Great. That's just great. I'll just return this
litter-box, then.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APT. - NIGHT
JERRY IS LAYING ON HIS BACK ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV,
CHANNEL SURFING WITH THE REMOTE.
TV ANNOUNCER
- and the war rages in Bosnia -
JERRY CLICKS REMOTE.
TV ANNOUNCER (cont'd)
- the killing continues -
JERRY CLICKS REMOTE
TV ANNOUNCER (cont'd)
- there doesn't seem to be any hope for -
JERRY CLICKS REMOTE.
TV ANNOUNCER (cont'd)
- and the little children continue to go hungry -
JERRY CLICKS REMOTE.
TV ANNOUNCER (cont'd)
- more sad news tonight as -
JERRY
Let me see some kindness associated with this
television, spirit!
THE CAT JUMPS UP ON JERRY AND SNUGGLES UP ON HIS
CHEST.
JERRY (cont'd)
Oh, no! Don't try getting cozy with me. I am not
interested.
THE CAT PURRS LOUDLY AND STARTS TO CUDDLE UP. VERY
CUTE.
JERRY (cont'd)
Yeah, you think you're so cute. Well, yeah... you're
pretty cute.
(begins stroking cats
head)
Just don't get used to this. A million people are
going to call about that ad. By tomorrow night you'll be snuggling up on
someone else.
JERRY STROKES THE CAT FULL LENGTH. THE PURRING GETS
LOUDER.
JERRY (cont'd)
(baby-talking, stroking
the cat)
Yeah, you like that, don't you? Yes, yes you do. Yes,
you do. A-boo-boo-boo? Hmmm? Yes, you like that. Yes, you do
THE CAT IS NOW SLEEPING SOUNDLY AND PURRING LOUDLY.
JERRY YAWNS DEEPLY AND NODS OFF TO SLEEP AS WELL.
TV ANNOUNCER
... and after the news, on the Really Late Early
Movie, James Stewart stars in the classic 1956 movie, "Harvey."
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APT. - DAY
ELAINE AND JERRY ARE TALKING IN THE KITCHEN AREA.
ELAINE
So, how's your pussy?
JERRY
(disgusted)
It's a cat, Elaine. Call it a cat. There are too many
connotations of that... that other word.
ELAINE
Fine. How's your cat?
JERRY
Actually, I'm feeling fine with my feline.
ELAINE
Oh, really?
JERRY
It caught me by surprise, too. It's just such an irresistibly
unconditional relationship, you know? It just sucks you right in, and before
you know it, you're hooked.
ELAINE
So nobody responded to your ad all week?
JERRY
Can you believe that? Not one person called. What
kind of world is this that can't find room for a cute little guy like Pooka?
ELAINE
Pooka?!
JERRY
Y'know, I can't explain it; that name just came out
of nowhere and stuck.
ELAINE
So you're not going to feed him to the Rottweilers?
JERRY
No. Kramer was pretty upset. You know, I have to
admit it's kind of cozy having a pet around the house. I got this great
litter-box with a hose attached to a fan that vents the odors outside...
ELAINE
Like a drying machine?
JERRY
Sort of, sort of, yes! It's kind of like a drying
machine!
ELAINE
Well, I don't smell a thing.
JERRY
Yeah, well you should walk by the side of the
building when that thing's cranking up! Anyway, other than the litter thing,
he's basically... unobtrusive. Ornamental, you could say.
ELAINE GIVES JERRY A SUSPICIOUS SIDEWAYS GLANCE.
ELAINE
Uh-huh, you could say.
JERRY
And yes, I admit, he is sort of cute in a warm, fuzzy
sort of way.
ELAINE
Ah-ha! The truth comes out, you big softie!
JERRY
What can I say? I guess I'm just a sensitive kind of
guy.
KRAMER ENTERS.
KRAMER
What's new, pussycat? Whoa, a-whoa-a whoa, whoa-whoa!
KRAMER BRANDISHES A LARGE TOME.
KRAMER (cont'd)
(re: the book)
I got your pussy right here, Jer! The Encyclopedia of
Cats, page two hundred and fourteen. They have a picture looks just like him!