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I've never been a pet person, but I have a special
aversion for cats particularly. The thing I really can't accept about cats is
this litter-box thing. Not to put too fine a point on it, but it's excrement
that stays in the house! I mean, you wouldn't use a litter-box for your dog,
would you? My God, can you just imagine? And why not go just one step further?
Would you ever consider - even for a moment - doing a "number one" or
a "number two" in a sandbox in a corner of your kitchen? And not just
once, mind you; I'm talking about letting it pile up for a few days before
tossing the whole mess into a plastic bag and setting it out on the street with
the garbage. I mean what is so special about cat poop? I think this explains
why cats walk around like their stuff doesn't stink!
INT. JERRY'S APT. - NIGHT
JERRY IS RELAXING ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV.
TV ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
. . .and coming up on the news at ten, film at eleven.
SFX: DOOR BUZZER
Hold on, hold on.
JERRY WALKS TO THE FRONT DOOR AND PRESSES THE
Speak and be heard.
DELIVERY GUY (V.O.)
Uh, yeah, got a package for Mr. Steinfield.
DELIVERY GUY (V.O.)
Come on up.
JERRY WALKS TO TV AND TURNS IT OFF. THERE IS A KNOCK
ON THE DOOR. JERRY OPENS IT. A SCRAGGLY-LOOKING DELIVERY GUY IS STANDING THERE
HOLDING A VENTILATED PET CARRIER IN ONE HAND.
THE DELIVERY GUY THRUSTS THE CARRIER AT JERRY. JERRY
TAKES IT, CAUGHT OFF-GUARD.
A girl named Bindy Smothers sends this cat. She wrote
a rhyming little song
(holds up note)
that I felt I should spare us both. The gist of it is
she's moving to Australia and can't take it with her, and apparently the two
of you picked it out together so she thought you should have it.
(looks inside carrier)
There's a cat in here!
To sum up: yes, there's a cat in there.
I didn't order this!
(thrusts carrier back at
Take it back!
Buddy, there's nowhere to take it back to.
(starts filling out forms
on a pad he is carrying)
But we only went out for a month! I just happened to
be there when she picked it out! I haven't even talked to her in five years!
It's not our cat! It's her cat!
Well, now it's yer cat.
(hands Jerry the aborted
note and a receipt)
THE DELIVERY GUY TURNS AND LEAVES.
Wait! You can't just leave this here! I don't want
this stupid thing!
THERE IS A LOUD MEOW. JERRY TURNS HIS ATTENTION TO
No! Bad cat! No meow! Bad cat!
INT. MONK'S PLACE - DAY
ELAINE, KRAMER AND JERRY ARE SITTING AT A BOOTH
TALKING OVER COFFEE.
So a woman you dated almost six years ago just hired
a delivery service to abandon a cat on your doorstep?
Can you believe that? What kind of mother is she
going to make?
At least she didn't drown the poor thing.
It's still a distinct possibility, Elaine. I don't
want a stupid cat! I'm a firm believer in segregation by species.
Y'know, Jerry, we humans are the only animals on
Earth that keep other animals as pets. It's a very profound thing: one species
co-habitating with another in a loving, trusting, and to a large degree,
symbiotic relationship. In a world of war and killing and hate and despair,
that simple attribute of human nature may be the one saving grace of mankind.
Fine. You take him.
Oh no, not me. I hate cats. Grind 'em all up for dog
food, that's what I say. Now a dog. There's a real animal: loyal, strong, practical!
So what are you going to do with him?
Put an ad in the paper, I don't know. I like that
dog-food idea. Who do we know with a large undernourished canine?
Hey, I know this guy who breeds Rottweilers! Boy oh
boy, they'd just sink their teeth in and rrrrrip 'em up, Jerry, rrrrrip 'em up!
It'd be like one of those "Trials Of Life" videos!
JERRY IS LEADING ELAINE. KRAMER ACTS SERIOUS.
C'mon, you guys, be serious!
GEORGE ENTERS AND HEADS FOR THE TABLE.
Maybe we could throw 'em a few live mice first, you
know, for an appetizer.
What's for desert?
Hey, what's up?
Jerry's got a cat and we're going to feed it to a
pack of Rottweilers.
ELAINE GETS UP TO LEAVE AND GEORGE TAKES HER SPOT.
Listen, Elaine, see if you can't find someone who can
take the cat.
No problem, Jer. Every guy I know wants a little
JERRY GIVES HER A DISGUSTED LOOK, ELAINE SMILES AND
So George, I ran into Newman yesterday. He said he
saw you out with a really attractive girl.
Ah, yes. Just another one of your average,
run-of-the-mill magazine models. No biggie. I met her at a ballgame. She was a
guest of Mr. Steinbrenner.
Ah. How nice for you. What's her handle?
Tara. Exotic, isn't it?
Very exotic. Has a classy, "chic" sound to
I just love introducing her to people.
Tar-a. Yes... very nice.
Tar-a. The name makes her sound like -
A rat. That's "Tara" backwards.
Well, that takes the lustre right off of that name.
Kramer, what in the world made you think of that?
It's a biblical name.
(figures it out)
Remark-able Elba Kramer!
(snap/points at Jerry)
You got it, Mister Man.
When you say Elba Kramer backwards, it's remarkable!
What's so remarkable about that?!
Oh, forget it. Either of you guys want to come to the
pet store with me?
You really got a cat, Jerry? You?
Yeah, yeah. I'll explain on the way.
Sure, what the heck. I'm free.
Not me. I got a toothache. I have to go find
something at the drug store.
Drug store? A toothache? Why don't you just see a
Oh, no. They're never putting me under again.
We, uh, had an unpleasant experience with our last
dentist. Sort of left a bad taste in our mouths.
You mean that thing about you guys being molested
while you were under the gas?
I'm still rinsing.
Well, gotta go. See you gents.
You know, you could spend your whole life, search the
whole world over, and never find another nut like Kramer.
No way. Not a chance.
EXT. - NEW YORK STREET - DAY
KRAMER IS STROLLING DOWN THE STREET CARRYING A BAG OF
GROCERIES, NOT PAYING MUCH ATTENTION WHERE HE'S GOING. HE ROUNDS A CORNER AND
COLLIDES WITH A TALL SCRAGGLY FELLOW IN A JEAN JACKET. THEY BOTH GO DOWN,
KRAMER SPILLING HIS GOODS. THEY STAND UP; THE OTHER FELLOW IS JIM IGNATOWSKI
(CHRISTOPHER LLOYD) FROM "TAXI."
Hey, why don't you watch where you're going, buddy!
Oh, uh, yeah, yeah, I'm sorry. Here, let me help you
with that stuff...
THEY BOTH REACH/BEND DOWN IN UNISON AND CLOCK EACH
OTHER IN THE HEAD.
Ow! Look, you ignoramus, why don't you just get away
from me? Okay?!
(rubbing his noggin)
Uh, yeah, sure. Whatever you say. Hey, um, can I give
you a lift somewhere? I got a taxi just around the corner.
(collecting his stuff)
Life's too short as it is, buddy. Man, I can't
believe they give guys like you a license to drive. Just pay a little more
attention, huh?! What do you say?!
KRAMER CONTINUES ON HIS WAY.
Jeez. What a wacko.
INT. JERRY'S APT. - DAY
JERRY ENTERS BALANCING A LARGE BURDEN OF CAT
SUPPLIES, INCLUDING A COVERED LITTER-BOX WITH A LONG HOSE ATTACHED, A BAG OF
LITTER, AND FOOD. HE BARELY NEGOTIATES THE DOORWAY AND AS HE SHUTS THE DOOR
WITH HIS FOOT THE LITTER FALLS AND EXPLODES ON THE FLOOR.
Great! Just great!
THE CAT RUNS RIGHT TO THE LITTER AND STARTS
SCRATCHING AND CIRCLING ANXIOUSLY IN IT. JERRY TRIES TO SHOO THE CAT FROM THE
SPILLED LITTER WITH HIS FEET WHILE BALANCING HIS LOAD OF PACKAGES.
Hey! Shoo! Don't even think about it! Get away from
JERRY GIVES UP AND JUST STARES AT THE FLOOR WHERE THE
CAT IS NOW RELIEVING ITSELF.
(to the cat)
Great. That's just great. I'll just return this
INT. JERRY'S APT. - NIGHT
JERRY IS LAYING ON HIS BACK ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV,
CHANNEL SURFING WITH THE REMOTE.
- and the war rages in Bosnia -
JERRY CLICKS REMOTE.
TV ANNOUNCER (cont'd)
- the killing continues -
JERRY CLICKS REMOTE
TV ANNOUNCER (cont'd)
- there doesn't seem to be any hope for -
JERRY CLICKS REMOTE.
TV ANNOUNCER (cont'd)
- and the little children continue to go hungry -
JERRY CLICKS REMOTE.
TV ANNOUNCER (cont'd)
- more sad news tonight as -
Let me see some kindness associated with this
THE CAT JUMPS UP ON JERRY AND SNUGGLES UP ON HIS
Oh, no! Don't try getting cozy with me. I am not
THE CAT PURRS LOUDLY AND STARTS TO CUDDLE UP. VERY
Yeah, you think you're so cute. Well, yeah... you're
(begins stroking cats
Just don't get used to this. A million people are
going to call about that ad. By tomorrow night you'll be snuggling up on
JERRY STROKES THE CAT FULL LENGTH. THE PURRING GETS
Yeah, you like that, don't you? Yes, yes you do. Yes,
you do. A-boo-boo-boo? Hmmm? Yes, you like that. Yes, you do
THE CAT IS NOW SLEEPING SOUNDLY AND PURRING LOUDLY.
JERRY YAWNS DEEPLY AND NODS OFF TO SLEEP AS WELL.
... and after the news, on the Really Late Early
Movie, James Stewart stars in the classic 1956 movie, "Harvey."
INT. JERRY'S APT. - DAY
ELAINE AND JERRY ARE TALKING IN THE KITCHEN AREA.
So, how's your pussy?
It's a cat, Elaine. Call it a cat. There are too many
connotations of that... that other word.
Fine. How's your cat?
Actually, I'm feeling fine with my feline.
It caught me by surprise, too. It's just such an irresistibly
unconditional relationship, you know? It just sucks you right in, and before
you know it, you're hooked.
So nobody responded to your ad all week?
Can you believe that? Not one person called. What
kind of world is this that can't find room for a cute little guy like Pooka?
Y'know, I can't explain it; that name just came out
of nowhere and stuck.
So you're not going to feed him to the Rottweilers?
No. Kramer was pretty upset. You know, I have to
admit it's kind of cozy having a pet around the house. I got this great
litter-box with a hose attached to a fan that vents the odors outside...
Like a drying machine?
Sort of, sort of, yes! It's kind of like a drying
Well, I don't smell a thing.
Yeah, well you should walk by the side of the
building when that thing's cranking up! Anyway, other than the litter thing,
he's basically... unobtrusive. Ornamental, you could say.
ELAINE GIVES JERRY A SUSPICIOUS SIDEWAYS GLANCE.
Uh-huh, you could say.
And yes, I admit, he is sort of cute in a warm, fuzzy
sort of way.
Ah-ha! The truth comes out, you big softie!
What can I say? I guess I'm just a sensitive kind of
I got your pussy right here, Jer! The Encyclopedia of
Cats, page two hundred and fourteen. They have a picture looks just like him!
Can we all just stop using that word?!
But that's what it is, Jerry. A nice, warm, soft,
Alright, already! We all know what it is!
Where is the little tyke? I thought he followed you
Yeah, you're right. I don't see him, either.
Pooka! Where are ya, boy!
JERRY DISAPPEARS INTO THE BACK LOOKING FOR THE CAT.
ELAINE AND KRAMER LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN SURPRISE.
JERRY EMERGES FROM THE BACK CRADLING THE CAT AND LOOKING DISTRAUGHT.
There's something wrong with Pooka! Something
terribly, terribly wrong! He's not moving! He was just lying there on the
What's wrong, boy? Talk to me!
Is there a veterinarian in the house?!
ESTABLISHING SHOT - EXT.ANIMALHOSPITAL - DAY
INT. VET'S EXAMINATION ROOM - DAY
POOKA SITS ON THE EXAM TABLE. THE VET IS TALKING TO
You have a very sick little pussy on your hands, Mr.
His entire urinary tract was completely blocked!
Didn't you notice he wasn't urinating?
I know he went once. How often should he go?
I've temporarily relieved his bladder, but without an
operation he'll die.
Die?! Operation?! What are ya saying, Doc?!
I'd say roughly about a thousand dollars, give or
A thousand dollars?! I could buy a whole flock of
cats for a thousand dollars, Doc! What kind of deal is that?!
For sixty dollars I can put him to sleep.
Sleep?! You mean he wakes up, right?
Well, no -
Look, Doc, "Sleep" specifically implies
"waking up." You go to "sleep," then you "wake
It's just a euphemism -
You mean kill him? Murder?! Murder my little Pooka?!
If I don't cough up a thousand dollar furball you're going to just - to just...
JERRY LOOKS AT POOKA. POOKA IS LOOKING PRETTY SAD.
JERRY LOOKS LIKE HE'S WATCHING THE END OF "OLD YELLER."
Are you sure you're an expert on this, Doc? Can't he
just stop... drinking, or something?
END OF ACT ONE
INT. JERRY'S APT. - DAY
GEORGE AND JERRY ARE CHATTING.
So you're actually going to spend a thousand bucks
on, what, Jerry? A little pussy?
I looked at that poor little guy laying there on the
table and I realized his life was in my hands. He's got nobody else, you know?
He never would've seen another sunrise, never eaten another can of cat chow if
it wasn't for me. I had to save him.
But a thousand bucks, Jerry. Jeez. How could a cat
cost that much money?
That's what I said. I'm still numb from the whole
(moving towards the door)
Well, I'm off to get some new shoes. The soles are
coming off these and every other pair I've got. You wanna join me?
You know, I bet I can fix that for you. It's an old
JERRY GOES TO A KITCHEN DRAWER WITH GEORGE RIGHT
BEHIND HIM. JERRY STARTS RUMMAGING THROUGH THE DRAWER, PASSING TO GEORGE A
SERIES OF COMMON HOUSEHOLD ITEMS TO GET THEM OUT OF HIS WAY. HE HANDS GEORGE A
LONG BLACK METAL FLASHLIGHT.
(re: the flashlight)
You know, I think that if I were a woman this would
turn me on.
JERRY BRIEFLY LOOKS AT THE FLASHLIGHT IN GEORGE'S
Sure, the kind of woman you'd be.
JERRY GOES BACK INTO DRAWER AND PULLS OUT A TUBE OF
Here you go.
(taking the glue)
What is this, glue? That'll never last.
Not just glue - SuperGlue. They could bury you in
those shoes after you use that. Really - try it.
GEORGE SITS AND SQUEEZES SOME GLUE BETWEEN THE
FLAPPING SOLE OF HIS SHOE AND THE LEATHER, AND IT IMMEDIATELY SEALS TIGHT.
Hey, it's set already. That's amazing! You know, I've
heard about this stuff.
Just be careful. It's pretty powerful.
Can I borrow this? I could fix a million things!
GEORGE PUTS THE TUBE IN A FRONT POCKET. KRAMER
ENTERS. HIS LEFT HAND IS CUPPED ON THE LEFT SIDE OF HIS FACE.
Hey, buddy. What's up?
It's this bum tooth! It's driving me nuts! I have a
date with this gorgeous girl tonight named Tish! They call her "Tish the
Dish!" What am I gonna do? This thing is killin' me, Jer! It's killin' me!
"Tish?" "Tish?!" So what's
"Tish" backwards, eh, Kramer?
Hey, you watch your mouth, buddy! You know I don't go
for that kind of language!
Have you ever tried Anbesol?
For your mouth.
It just what you need. Hold on -
JERRY GOES INTO THE BATHROOM.
You know, Anbesol; For the temporary relief of
toothache pain and minor gum discomfort. You put it in your mouth.
Anbesol? In your mouth? That doesn't sound like
something you put in your mouth. Sounds more like something you put in your -
JERRY RETURNS WITH TUBE OF ANBESOL.
- as I was saying, this is just what you need. Just
rub some on the gums around the bad tooth.
KRAMER OPENS THE TUBE AND FRANTICALLY APPLIES A DOLLOP
OF IT'S CONTENTS INTO HIS MOUTH.
Hey! It's working! It's numbing my whole mouth! The
pain is gone!
That's how it works. It numbs yours gums.
How long does it last?
A few hours. Keep it.
Jer, I really owe you for this one!
KRAMER PUTS TUBE OF ANBESOL IN LEFT FRONT PANTS
POCKET AND EXITS.
Y'know, George, I think after today I sort of know
what it feels like to be a healer. It's a good feeling, George.
You're healin' left and right, buddy! Left and right!
You can't swing a dead cat without healing something today. You know, I've got
this nasty corn on my left foot –
(reaches for left foot,
INT. RECEPTION ROOM - NIGHT
JERRY, ELAINE AND GEORGE APPROACH THE RECEPTIONIST.
JERRY IS CARRYING A SMALL FURRY SQUEAK-MOUSE WITH A BRIGHT BOW ON IT.
May I help you?
Yes. I'm here to visit my cat. He had a serious
Name? Oh, uh, Pooka.
Is that his surname?
Surname? What surname? It's a cat, for Christ's sake!
ELAINE SMACKS GEORGE ON SIDE OF HEAD. GEORGE RECOILS.
Are you the owner?
Yes. Jerry Seinfeld.
(makes computer entry)
I'm sorry, sir.
Sorry?! Whatdyamean... ?!
I'm sorry, sir. It says here that he shouldn't be
disturbed or excited in any way. He's still recovering from the anaesthesia.
He'll be able to go home tomorrow. We'll give you a call then.
Is he alright?
He's fine. It's a routine operation, miss.
A thousand dollars?! A thousand dollars is a routine
operation for a cat?!
ELAINE SMACKS GEORGE ON THE HEAD. GEORGE RECOILS.
Besides, visiting hours are over at You're too late anyway.
(hands the receptionist
the mouse toy, squeaking it once as he does)
Well, could you make sure he gets this?
RECEPTIONIST TAKES THE MOUSE.
Sure. We'll call you. Go home. Get some rest. You
need your strength.
Yeah, buddy. For Pooka.
Thanks, guys. Thanks for being there for me and...
Hey, what are friends for, huh? C'mon, let's go.
We'll go back to your place, I'll pop some popcorn -
(a little boy)
Suuure! We'll watch some TV...
I gotta go. I got a date with Tara. Hey buddy, you saved a cat, you saved Kramer's tooth, and
you saved my shoes. Ya done good today, kid!
(gently socks Jerry on
EXT. NEW YORK RESTAURANT - NIGHT
INT. NEW YORK RESTAURANT - NIGHT
KRAMER SITS AT A TABLE OPPOSITE TISH. THEY ARE HAVING
Isn't that the best apple pie you ever tasted in your
It's just incredible. In fact, this whole evening has
Of course it has, of course it has.
And it's not over yet.
Rrrowr! What say we settle on up and mosey on outta
KRAMER REACHES INTO HIS LEFT FRONT POCKET.
(looking down at his
CLOSE - KRAMERS LEFT FRONT POCKET
THERE IS A PLATE-SIZED STAIN ORIGINATING FROM THE POCKET.
What is it?
WIDE - THE TABLE
I broke a tube of medicine in my front pocket! Man,
it really shows up on these pants!
Stand up. Let me see.
KRAMER TRIES TO STAND BUT TO THEIR MUTUAL SHOCK HIS
LEFT LEG IMMEDIATELY GIVES OUT. HE FRANTICALLY GRABS AT THE TABLE AS HE FALLS
AND TAKES THE TABLE DOWN WITH HIM IN A LOUD COMMOTION. THE ENTIRE RESTAURANT IS
NOW FOCUSED ON KRAMER AND HIS DATE.
My leg! I can't feel my leg! I'm paralyzed!
Paralyzed! Somebody help me! Is there a doctor in the house?!
JERRY'S VET, WHO HAPPENS TO BE DINING THERE, STANDS
UP IN RESPONSE.
EXT. ANOTHER NEW YORK RESTAURANT - NIGHT
INT. ANOTHER NEW YORK RESTAURANT - NIGHT
GEORGE AND TARA ARE AT A TABLE HAVING DRINKS.
- and so I said, "Look, this whole thing stinks!
Find some other bimbo for your 'Girls of the Arctic' spread! I'm not posing topless in sub-freezing
GEORGE PICTURES IT, SMILES. SHE DOESN'T CATCH HIM.
So you've been pretty quiet.
Me? Oh, it's just something that I've got stuck in my
head. Actually it's pretty funny! You know how you get something stuck in your
head and it just preoccupies all your thoughts until you just have to say something?
Sure you do, sure you do. It's just a - funny little
observation a friend of mine made today -
(smiles, leans forward)
Well, for example, have you ever seen your name in a
TARA'S ATTENTION SHIFTS DIRECTLY TO SOMETHING BEHIND GEORGE
OVER HIS SHOULDER.
- you know, in passing, maybe reflected in a pane of
glass... see, if you read "Tara"
backwards it's -
Wait, George, there's a good friend of mine!
(turning to see)
Wha - ?
Lana! Over here!
CLOSE – GEORGE CAN BARELY CONTAIN HIMSELF.
WIDE - THE TABLE
LANA JOINS THEM. SHE IS DRESSED LIKE A LIBRARIAN,
WITH HER HAIR UP IN A BUN AND EYEGLASSES WITH A CORD ATTACHMENT. SHE IS
CARRYING A BRIEFCASE. TARA GREETS LANA WITH A HUG.
(hugs Lana close)
Lana! It's so good to see you!
LANA'S ARMS JUST HANG AS SHE LETS TARA HUG HER.
Hello, it's good to see you, too.
TARA RELEASES LANA.
George, this is Lana, my very dear friend!
Lana, this is George Costanza.
(to George, suddenly
Oh, I'm sorry, George! I completely interrupted you!
George is just a riot, Lana! You'd love him. He was
just going to say something funny...
Go ahead, George. What were you saying?
You know, that is so strange! It completely went out
of my head!
But you just said you couldn't get it out of your
head all day.
Isn't that something?! Your friend Anal walked up and
I completely forgot what I was saying!
So, Lana, what do you do for a living?
I'm a proctologist.
Really? No kidding? Listen, if you'll excuse me,
ladies, I have to visit the restroom...
GEORGE TRIES TO STAND UP, BUT FINDS HE CANNOT. HE IS
STUCK TO THE SEAT.
Hey, what the... I can't get up! I'm - I'm stuck to
(trying hard to get up)
I don't understand, I...
OH - MY - GOD!!!
What is it?!
I had a tube of SuperGlue in my front pocket! I think
it broke and ran between my...!
(embarrassed, starting to
I'm sorry, I think I should be go -
(grabbing Lana's arm)
No! Wait! My God, my... my cheeks!
(cupping her mouth)
Oh, George... !
(to Lana, pleading)
Doc, I'm sealed up tight as a zip-loc baggy! The
lunch I had, it was huge! I'm not sure how long I can hold it! You gotta help me,
INT. SAME RESTAURANT - MINUTES LATER
CHAOS: TWO COOKS FROM THE KITCHEN ARE TRYING TO CUT
GEORGE LOOSE WHILE LANA CALLS AN AMBULANCE ON HER CELL PHONE.
Hurry! Hurry, damn you! Oh, God! Oh God!
... and tell the surgeon on duty to prep for a
A rectalotomy?! Oh, God! I knew I shouldn't have
eaten that third chili-dog for lunch!
EVERYBODY BACKS A STEP AWAY FROM GEORGE IN UNISON.
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
JERRY AND ELAINE ARE WATCHING THE NEWS AND SHARING A
BOWL OF POPCORN.
- and wrapping up the late news tonight -
CLOSE ON TV SCREEN. A MAN/WOMAN ANCHOR TEAM ARE
Two bizarre incidents in Manhattan tonight: a man in an east side restaurant became
partially paralyzed due to medication he was taking, disrupting the entire
restaurant and causing some damage, and ranting about a man named
And on the west side, a man glued himself to a
restaurant booth with a powerful adhesive and was also heard to make angry and
abusive statements towards a man named "Jerry."
Both men were hospitalized. The man with the
paralyzed leg was treated and released. Not so lucky is the man who was glued
to his seat: he is undergoing surgery to remove the cushion and separate his
Whoever this "Jerry" person is, I wouldn't
want to be in his shoes tonight, Gabe!
You can say that again, Melody!
JERRY AND ELAINE STARE AT THE TV TRANSFIXED. THEY
LOOK AT EACH OTHER, THEN BACK AT TV.
Can I stay at your place for a few days?
I'm sick of the news. Any good late movies?
(looks at a TV guide)
Oh, look! "Harvey"! I've always wanted to see that one; I just
love James Stewart.
JERRY CLICKS REMOTE.
INT. DARK BEDROOM - NIGHT
ALL THAT IS VISIBLE IS A WINDOW DEFINED BY THE
MOONLIGHT STREAMING IN. THERE ARE DAINTY, FRILLY CURTAINS ON THE WINDOW.
Kramer, it's okay. Really. Maybe... maybe this was a
I'm tellin' ya it's not me!! It's this stuff! It's
all over me! I'm gonna kill Jerry!
Uh, nothing, nothing. Listen, sweetheart, you got any
Do I... what?
You know, Anbesol. You put it in your-
Oh! You PERVERT!
Wait, no, you don't...
THERE IS A LOUD SLAP O.S.
KRAMER (O.S.) (cont'd)
INT.HOSPITAL - OUTSIDE OPERATING ROOM
That's it, Doctor! It's not much, but we're through!
Alright people! Fire in the hole! Clear the area!
THE O.R. DOORS BURST OPEN AND THE ENTIRE SURGICAL
TEAM RUSHES OUT OF THE O.R. LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF.
CLOSE - GEORGE'S FACE
HE IS PRONE, FACE DOWN ON AN OPERATING TABLE.
Jerry, you're a dead man!
EXT.HOSPITAL - STOCK - NIGHT
INT. VET WAITING ROOM - DAY
JERRY AND ELAINE ENTER.
Let's get this over with. If I think too long about
it I won't go through with it.
JERRY WALKS UP TO THE RECEPTIONIST.
Hello. I'm here to get my cat.
Oh, yes sir. We'll bring him right out.
(under his breath)
It better be on a silver platter!
He said he can't wait to hear his little
I have your bill right here, sir. The total is nine
hundred and eighty-nine dollars and two cents.
(taking out checkbook)
(furiously making out
Look, I'm making this check out for nine-hundred and
eighty-nine dollars even and I want my cat!
(he slaps check down on
THE VET ENTERS WITH POOKA.
(handing the cat to
Here you go, Mr. Seinfeld. Good as new!
Yeah? He should be better than new! For a thousand
bucks I should get the bionic cat!
(turning his attention to
Hey, boy, how are ya, huh? You all better? Did the
big mean man scare you?
(holding the cat up and
rubbing noses with it)
Oh, you're just so cute yes you are yes you are! Yes
JERRY SNEEZES. JERRY SNEEZES AGAIN HARDER, HANDS THE
CAT TO ELAINE AND SNEEZES AGAIN EVEN HARDER.
I don't know what's wrong with me! Suddenly my nose
is all itchy and my eyes are all watery!
Have you ever owned a cat before?
Well, I may not be an "expert," but I'd say
you're extremely allergic to the little fella.
But this didn't happen before!
That's often the case. Sometimes it takes a while for
the allergy to show up.
But, Doc! If I had known this, I never would have...!
JERRY LOOKS AT THE CHECK STILL SITTING ON THE
COUNTER. THE VET FOLLOWS JERRY'S GAZE, REALIZING WHAT JERRY IS THINKING.
TIGHT - JERRYS EYES
DART BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THE CHECK AND THE VET,
GAUGING, TIMING. WE HEAR THE CLICHE TRADEMARK 'LONELY WHISTLE' THEME FROM
"THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY." SHOWDOWN!
TIGHT - THE VETS EYES
WIDE - JERRY, ELAINE AND THE VET
JERRY AND THE VET BOTH DIVE FOR THE CHECK
SIMULTANEOUSLY, BOWLING OVER ELAINE IN THE PROCESS WHO, TRYING TO REGAIN
BALANCE, UNTHINKINGLY WINGS THE CAT INTO THE AIR. THE ACTION FREEZES TO A
TABLEAU WITH ELAINE IN MID-FALL, THE CAT (OBVIOUSLY A STUNT CAT,) IN MID-AIR,
AND JERRY'S AND THE VET'S HANDS INCHES FROM TOUCHING THE CHECK. CLOSING CREDITS
APPEAR ON THE SCREEN.
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