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The Cat

 

 

 

THE CAT

 

 

 

 

Author: Sherman Krysher

 

 

 

 

FADE IN:

 

INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT

 

JERRY IS PERFORMING.

 

JERRY

I've never been a pet person, but I have a special aversion for cats particularly. The thing I really can't accept about cats is this litter-box thing. Not to put too fine a point on it, but it's excrement that stays in the house! I mean, you wouldn't use a litter-box for your dog, would you? My God, can you just imagine? And why not go just one step further? Would you ever consider - even for a moment - doing a "number one" or a "number two" in a sandbox in a corner of your kitchen? And not just once, mind you; I'm talking about letting it pile up for a few days before tossing the whole mess into a plastic bag and setting it out on the street with the garbage. I mean what is so special about cat poop? I think this explains why cats walk around like their stuff doesn't stink!

 

 

 

 

ACT ONE

 

INT. JERRY'S APT. - NIGHT

 

JERRY IS RELAXING ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV.

 

TV ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

. . .and coming up on the six o'clock news at ten, film at eleven.

 

SFX: DOOR BUZZER

 

JERRY

Hold on, hold on.

 

JERRY WALKS TO THE FRONT DOOR AND PRESSES THE INTERCOM BUTTON.

 

JERRY (cont'd)

Speak and be heard.

 

DELIVERY GUY (V.O.)

(FILTERED)

Uh, yeah, got a package for Mr. Steinfield.

 

JERRY

That's Seinfeld.

 

DELIVERY GUY (V.O.)

(FILTERED)

Whatever.

 

JERRY

Come on up.

 

JERRY WALKS TO TV AND TURNS IT OFF. THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. JERRY OPENS IT. A SCRAGGLY-LOOKING DELIVERY GUY IS STANDING THERE HOLDING A VENTILATED PET CARRIER IN ONE HAND.

 

DELIVERY GUY

Jerry Sin-filled?

 

JERRY

That's Seinfeld.

 

THE DELIVERY GUY THRUSTS THE CARRIER AT JERRY. JERRY TAKES IT, CAUGHT OFF-GUARD.

 

DELIVERY GUY

A girl named Bindy Smothers sends this cat. She wrote a rhyming little song

(holds up note)

that I felt I should spare us both. The gist of it is she's moving to Australia and can't take it with her, and apparently the two of you picked it out together so she thought you should have it.

 

JERRY

What?!

(looks inside carrier)

There's a cat in here!

 

DELIVERY GUY

To sum up: yes, there's a cat in there.

 

JERRY

I didn't order this!

(thrusts carrier back at Delivery Guy)

Take it back!

 

DELIVERY GUY

Buddy, there's nowhere to take it back to.

(starts filling out forms on a pad he is carrying)

 

JERRY

But we only went out for a month! I just happened to be there when she picked it out! I haven't even talked to her in five years! It's not our cat! It's her cat!

 

DELIVERY GUY

Well, now it's yer cat.

(hands Jerry the aborted note and a receipt)

 

THE DELIVERY GUY TURNS AND LEAVES.

 

JERRY

Wait! You can't just leave this here! I don't want this stupid thing!

 

THERE IS A LOUD MEOW. JERRY TURNS HIS ATTENTION TO THE CARRIER.

 

JERRY (cont'd)

No! Bad cat! No meow! Bad cat!

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. MONK'S PLACE - DAY

 

ELAINE, KRAMER AND JERRY ARE SITTING AT A BOOTH TALKING OVER COFFEE.

 

ELAINE

So a woman you dated almost six years ago just hired a delivery service to abandon a cat on your doorstep?

 

JERRY

Can you believe that? What kind of mother is she going to make?

 

ELAINE

At least she didn't drown the poor thing.

 

JERRY

It's still a distinct possibility, Elaine. I don't want a stupid cat! I'm a firm believer in segregation by species.

 

KRAMER

Y'know, Jerry, we humans are the only animals on Earth that keep other animals as pets. It's a very profound thing: one species co-habitating with another in a loving, trusting, and to a large degree, symbiotic relationship. In a world of war and killing and hate and despair, that simple attribute of human nature may be the one saving grace of mankind.

 

JERRY

Fine. You take him.

 

KRAMER

Oh no, not me. I hate cats. Grind 'em all up for dog food, that's what I say. Now a dog. There's a real animal: loyal, strong, practical!

 

ELAINE

(to Jerry)

So what are you going to do with him?

 

JERRY

Put an ad in the paper, I don't know. I like that dog-food idea. Who do we know with a large undernourished canine?

 

ELAINE

Jerr-rree!

 

KRAMER

Hey, I know this guy who breeds Rottweilers! Boy oh boy, they'd just sink their teeth in and rrrrrip 'em up, Jerry, rrrrrip 'em up! It'd be like one of those "Trials Of Life" videos!

 

JERRY IS LEADING ELAINE. KRAMER ACTS SERIOUS.

 

ELAINE

C'mon, you guys, be serious!

 

GEORGE ENTERS AND HEADS FOR THE TABLE.

 

JERRY

Maybe we could throw 'em a few live mice first, you know, for an appetizer.

 

KRAMER

What's for desert?

 

GEORGE

Hey, what's up?

 

KRAMER

Jerry's got a cat and we're going to feed it to a pack of Rottweilers.

 

ELAINE GETS UP TO LEAVE AND GEORGE TAKES HER SPOT.

 

JERRY

Listen, Elaine, see if you can't find someone who can take the cat.

 

ELAINE

No problem, Jer. Every guy I know wants a little pussy.

JERRY GIVES HER A DISGUSTED LOOK, ELAINE SMILES AND LEAVES.

 

JERRY

So George, I ran into Newman yesterday. He said he saw you out with a really attractive girl.

GEORGE

Ah, yes. Just another one of your average, run-of-the-mill magazine models. No biggie. I met her at a ballgame. She was a guest of Mr. Steinbrenner.

 

JERRY

Ah. How nice for you. What's her handle?

 

GEORGE

Tara. Exotic, isn't it?

 

JERRY

Very exotic. Has a classy, "chic" sound to it.

 

GEORGE

I just love introducing her to people.

 

JERRY

Tar-a. Yes... very nice.

 

GEORGE

Tar-a. The name makes her sound like -

 

KRAMER

A rat.

 

PAUSE.

 

GEORGE

What?

 

KRAMER

A rat. That's "Tara" backwards.

 

GEORGE

A rat?

 

JERRY

Well, that takes the lustre right off of that name.

 

GEORGE

Kramer, what in the world made you think of that?

 

KRAMER

My grandfather.

 

JERRY

Your grandfather?

 

KRAMER

Elba.

 

GEORGE

Elba?

 

KRAMER

Yeah, Elba. It's a biblical name.

 

JERRY

(figures it out)

Remark-able Elba Kramer!

 

GEORGE

What?

 

KRAMER

(snap/points at Jerry)

You got it, Mister Man.

 

GEORGE

Got what?!

 

JERRY

When you say Elba Kramer backwards, it's remarkable!

 

GEORGE

What's so remarkable about that?!

 

JERRY

Oh, forget it. Either of you guys want to come to the pet store with me?

GEORGE

You really got a cat, Jerry? You?

 

JERRY

Yeah, yeah. I'll explain on the way.

 

GEORGE

Sure, what the heck. I'm free.

 

KRAMER

Not me. I got a toothache. I have to go find something at the drug store.

 

GEORGE

Drug store? A toothache? Why don't you just see a dentist?

 

KRAMER

Oh, no. They're never putting me under again.

 

JERRY

(visibly uncomfortable)

We, uh, had an unpleasant experience with our last dentist. Sort of left a bad taste in our mouths.

 

GEORGE

You mean that thing about you guys being molested while you were under the gas?

 

KRAMER

I'm still rinsing.

(stands)

Well, gotta go. See you gents.

 

KRAMER EXITS.

 

GEORGE

You know, you could spend your whole life, search the whole world over, and never find another nut like Kramer.

 

JERRY

No way. Not a chance.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

EXT. - NEW YORK STREET - DAY

 

KRAMER IS STROLLING DOWN THE STREET CARRYING A BAG OF GROCERIES, NOT PAYING MUCH ATTENTION WHERE HE'S GOING. HE ROUNDS A CORNER AND COLLIDES WITH A TALL SCRAGGLY FELLOW IN A JEAN JACKET. THEY BOTH GO DOWN, KRAMER SPILLING HIS GOODS. THEY STAND UP; THE OTHER FELLOW IS JIM IGNATOWSKI (CHRISTOPHER LLOYD) FROM "TAXI."

 

KRAMER

Hey, why don't you watch where you're going, buddy!

 

IGNATOWSKI

Oh, uh, yeah, yeah, I'm sorry. Here, let me help you with that stuff...

 

THEY BOTH REACH/BEND DOWN IN UNISON AND CLOCK EACH OTHER IN THE HEAD.

 

KRAMER

Ow! Look, you ignoramus, why don't you just get away from me? Okay?!

 

IGNATOWSKI

(rubbing his noggin)

Uh, yeah, sure. Whatever you say. Hey, um, can I give you a lift somewhere? I got a taxi just around the corner.

 

KRAMER

(collecting his stuff)

Life's too short as it is, buddy. Man, I can't believe they give guys like you a license to drive. Just pay a little more attention, huh?! What do you say?!

 

KRAMER CONTINUES ON HIS WAY.

 

IGNATOWSKI

Jeez. What a wacko.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. JERRY'S APT. - DAY

 

JERRY ENTERS BALANCING A LARGE BURDEN OF CAT SUPPLIES, INCLUDING A COVERED LITTER-BOX WITH A LONG HOSE ATTACHED, A BAG OF LITTER, AND FOOD. HE BARELY NEGOTIATES THE DOORWAY AND AS HE SHUTS THE DOOR WITH HIS FOOT THE LITTER FALLS AND EXPLODES ON THE FLOOR.

 

JERRY

Great! Just great!

 

THE CAT RUNS RIGHT TO THE LITTER AND STARTS SCRATCHING AND CIRCLING ANXIOUSLY IN IT. JERRY TRIES TO SHOO THE CAT FROM THE SPILLED LITTER WITH HIS FEET WHILE BALANCING HIS LOAD OF PACKAGES.

 

JERRY (cont'd)

Hey! Shoo! Don't even think about it! Get away from there!

 

JERRY GIVES UP AND JUST STARES AT THE FLOOR WHERE THE CAT IS NOW RELIEVING ITSELF.

 

JERRY (cont'd)

(to the cat)

Great. That's just great. I'll just return this litter-box, then.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. JERRY'S APT. - NIGHT

 

JERRY IS LAYING ON HIS BACK ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV, CHANNEL SURFING WITH THE REMOTE.

 

TV ANNOUNCER

- and the war rages in Bosnia -

 

JERRY CLICKS REMOTE.

 

TV ANNOUNCER (cont'd)

- the killing continues -

 

JERRY CLICKS REMOTE

 

TV ANNOUNCER (cont'd)

- there doesn't seem to be any hope for -

 

JERRY CLICKS REMOTE.

 

TV ANNOUNCER (cont'd)

- and the little children continue to go hungry -

 

JERRY CLICKS REMOTE.

 

TV ANNOUNCER (cont'd)

- more sad news tonight as -

 

JERRY

Let me see some kindness associated with this television, spirit!

 

THE CAT JUMPS UP ON JERRY AND SNUGGLES UP ON HIS CHEST.

 

JERRY (cont'd)

Oh, no! Don't try getting cozy with me. I am not interested.

 

THE CAT PURRS LOUDLY AND STARTS TO CUDDLE UP. VERY CUTE.

 

JERRY (cont'd)

Yeah, you think you're so cute. Well, yeah... you're pretty cute.

(begins stroking cats head)

Just don't get used to this. A million people are going to call about that ad. By tomorrow night you'll be snuggling up on someone else.

 

JERRY STROKES THE CAT FULL LENGTH. THE PURRING GETS LOUDER.

 

JERRY (cont'd)

(baby-talking, stroking the cat)

Yeah, you like that, don't you? Yes, yes you do. Yes, you do. A-boo-boo-boo? Hmmm? Yes, you like that. Yes, you do

 

THE CAT IS NOW SLEEPING SOUNDLY AND PURRING LOUDLY. JERRY YAWNS DEEPLY AND NODS OFF TO SLEEP AS WELL.

 

TV ANNOUNCER

... and after the news, on the Really Late Early Movie, James Stewart stars in the classic 1956 movie, "Harvey."

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. JERRY'S APT. - DAY

 

ELAINE AND JERRY ARE TALKING IN THE KITCHEN AREA.

 

ELAINE

So, how's your pussy?

 

JERRY

(disgusted)

It's a cat, Elaine. Call it a cat. There are too many connotations of that... that other word.

 

ELAINE

Fine. How's your cat?

 

JERRY

Actually, I'm feeling fine with my feline.

 

ELAINE

Oh, really?

 

JERRY

It caught me by surprise, too. It's just such an irresistibly unconditional relationship, you know? It just sucks you right in, and before you know it, you're hooked.

 

ELAINE

So nobody responded to your ad all week?

 

JERRY

Can you believe that? Not one person called. What kind of world is this that can't find room for a cute little guy like Pooka?

 

ELAINE

Pooka?!

 

JERRY

Y'know, I can't explain it; that name just came out of nowhere and stuck.

 

ELAINE

So you're not going to feed him to the Rottweilers?

 

JERRY

No. Kramer was pretty upset. You know, I have to admit it's kind of cozy having a pet around the house. I got this great litter-box with a hose attached to a fan that vents the odors outside...

 

ELAINE

Like a drying machine?

 

JERRY

Sort of, sort of, yes! It's kind of like a drying machine!

 

ELAINE

Well, I don't smell a thing.

 

JERRY

Yeah, well you should walk by the side of the building when that thing's cranking up! Anyway, other than the litter thing, he's basically... unobtrusive. Ornamental, you could say.

 

ELAINE GIVES JERRY A SUSPICIOUS SIDEWAYS GLANCE.

 

ELAINE

Uh-huh, you could say.

 

JERRY

And yes, I admit, he is sort of cute in a warm, fuzzy sort of way.

 

ELAINE

Ah-ha! The truth comes out, you big softie!

 

JERRY

What can I say? I guess I'm just a sensitive kind of guy.

 

KRAMER ENTERS.

 

KRAMER

What's new, pussycat? Whoa, a-whoa-a whoa, whoa-whoa!

 

KRAMER BRANDISHES A LARGE TOME.

 

KRAMER (cont'd)

(re: the book)

I got your pussy right here, Jer! The Encyclopedia of Cats, page two hundred and fourteen. They have a picture looks just like him!

 

JERRY

Can we all just stop using that word?!

 

KRAMER

Encyclopedia?

 

ELAINE

Pussy.

 

KRAMER

(completely innocent)

But that's what it is, Jerry. A nice, warm, soft, furry little...

 

JERRY

Alright, already! We all know what it is!

 

ELAINE

Where is the little tyke? I thought he followed you around everywhere.

 

JERRY

Yeah, you're right. I don't see him, either.

(calling out)

Pooka! Where are ya, boy!

 

JERRY DISAPPEARS INTO THE BACK LOOKING FOR THE CAT.

 

KRAMER

Pooka?!

 

JERRY (O.S.)

POOKA!!!

 

ELAINE AND KRAMER LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN SURPRISE. JERRY EMERGES FROM THE BACK CRADLING THE CAT AND LOOKING DISTRAUGHT.

 

JERRY (cont'd)

There's something wrong with Pooka! Something terribly, terribly wrong! He's not moving! He was just lying there on the floor!

(to Pooka)

What's wrong, boy? Talk to me!

(calling out)

Is there a veterinarian in the house?!

 

CUT TO:

 

 

ESTABLISHING SHOT - EXT. ANIMAL HOSPITAL - DAY

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. VET'S EXAMINATION ROOM - DAY

 

POOKA SITS ON THE EXAM TABLE. THE VET IS TALKING TO JERRY.

 

VET

You have a very sick little pussy on your hands, Mr. Seinfield-

 

JERRY

Um, that's...

 

VET

(admonishing)

His entire urinary tract was completely blocked! Didn't you notice he wasn't urinating?

 

JERRY

I know he went once. How often should he go?

 

VET

I've temporarily relieved his bladder, but without an operation he'll die.

 

JERRY

Die?! Operation?! What are ya saying, Doc?!

 

VET

I'd say roughly about a thousand dollars, give or take.

 

JERRY

(blown away)

A thousand dollars?! I could buy a whole flock of cats for a thousand dollars, Doc! What kind of deal is that?!

 

VET

For sixty dollars I can put him to sleep.

 

JERRY

Sleep?! You mean he wakes up, right?

 

VET

Well, no -

 

JERRY

Look, Doc, "Sleep" specifically implies "waking up." You go to "sleep," then you "wake up!"

 

VET

It's just a euphemism -

 

JERRY

You mean kill him? Murder?! Murder my little Pooka?! If I don't cough up a thousand dollar furball you're going to just - to just...

 

JERRY LOOKS AT POOKA. POOKA IS LOOKING PRETTY SAD. JERRY LOOKS LIKE HE'S WATCHING THE END OF "OLD YELLER."

 

JERRY (cont'd)

Are you sure you're an expert on this, Doc? Can't he just stop... drinking, or something?

 

FADE OUT

 

 

END OF ACT ONE

 

 

 

 

ACT TWO

 

INT. JERRY'S APT. - DAY

 

GEORGE AND JERRY ARE CHATTING.

 

GEORGE

So you're actually going to spend a thousand bucks on, what, Jerry? A little pussy?

 

JERRY

I looked at that poor little guy laying there on the table and I realized his life was in my hands. He's got nobody else, you know? He never would've seen another sunrise, never eaten another can of cat chow if it wasn't for me. I had to save him.

 

GEORGE

But a thousand bucks, Jerry. Jeez. How could a cat cost that much money?

 

JERRY

That's what I said. I'm still numb from the whole experience.

 

GEORGE

(moving towards the door)

Well, I'm off to get some new shoes. The soles are coming off these and every other pair I've got. You wanna join me?

 

JERRY

You know, I bet I can fix that for you. It's an old college remedy.

 

JERRY GOES TO A KITCHEN DRAWER WITH GEORGE RIGHT BEHIND HIM. JERRY STARTS RUMMAGING THROUGH THE DRAWER, PASSING TO GEORGE A SERIES OF COMMON HOUSEHOLD ITEMS TO GET THEM OUT OF HIS WAY. HE HANDS GEORGE A LONG BLACK METAL FLASHLIGHT.

 

GEORGE

(re: the flashlight)

You know, I think that if I were a woman this would turn me on.

 

JERRY BRIEFLY LOOKS AT THE FLASHLIGHT IN GEORGE'S HAND.

 

JERRY

Sure, the kind of woman you'd be.

 

JERRY GOES BACK INTO DRAWER AND PULLS OUT A TUBE OF GLUE.

 

JERRY (cont'd)

Here you go.

 

GEORGE

(taking the glue)

What is this, glue? That'll never last.

 

JERRY

Not just glue - SuperGlue. They could bury you in those shoes after you use that. Really - try it.

 

GEORGE SITS AND SQUEEZES SOME GLUE BETWEEN THE FLAPPING SOLE OF HIS SHOE AND THE LEATHER, AND IT IMMEDIATELY SEALS TIGHT.

 

GEORGE

Hey, it's set already. That's amazing! You know, I've heard about this stuff.

 

JERRY

Just be careful. It's pretty powerful.

 

GEORGE

Can I borrow this? I could fix a million things!

 

JERRY

Sure.

 

GEORGE PUTS THE TUBE IN A FRONT POCKET. KRAMER ENTERS. HIS LEFT HAND IS CUPPED ON THE LEFT SIDE OF HIS FACE.

 

JERRY (cont'd)

Hey, buddy. What's up?

 

KRAMER

It's this bum tooth! It's driving me nuts! I have a date with this gorgeous girl tonight named Tish! They call her "Tish the Dish!" What am I gonna do? This thing is killin' me, Jer! It's killin' me!

 

GEORGE

"Tish?" "Tish?!" So what's "Tish" backwards, eh, Kramer?

 

BEAT

 

KRAMER

Hey, you watch your mouth, buddy! You know I don't go for that kind of language!

JERRY

Have you ever tried Anbesol?

 

KRAMER

What?

 

JERRY

For your mouth.

 

KRAMER

Anba-what?!

 

JERRY

It just what you need. Hold on -

 

JERRY GOES INTO THE BATHROOM.

 

GEORGE

You know, Anbesol; For the temporary relief of toothache pain and minor gum discomfort. You put it in your mouth.

 

KRAMER

Anbesol? In your mouth? That doesn't sound like something you put in your mouth. Sounds more like something you put in your -

 

JERRY RETURNS WITH TUBE OF ANBESOL.

 

JERRY

- as I was saying, this is just what you need. Just rub some on the gums around the bad tooth.

 

KRAMER OPENS THE TUBE AND FRANTICALLY APPLIES A DOLLOP OF IT'S CONTENTS INTO HIS MOUTH.

 

KRAMER

Hey! It's working! It's numbing my whole mouth! The pain is gone!

 

JERRY

That's how it works. It numbs yours gums.

 

KRAMER

How long does it last?

 

JERRY

A few hours. Keep it.

 

KRAMER

Jer, I really owe you for this one!

 

KRAMER PUTS TUBE OF ANBESOL IN LEFT FRONT PANTS POCKET AND EXITS.

 

JERRY

Y'know, George, I think after today I sort of know what it feels like to be a healer. It's a good feeling, George.

 

GEORGE

You're healin' left and right, buddy! Left and right! You can't swing a dead cat without healing something today. You know, I've got this nasty corn on my left foot

(reaches for left foot, Jerry grimaces)

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. RECEPTION ROOM - NIGHT

 

JERRY, ELAINE AND GEORGE APPROACH THE RECEPTIONIST. JERRY IS CARRYING A SMALL FURRY SQUEAK-MOUSE WITH A BRIGHT BOW ON IT.

 

RECEPTIONIST

May I help you?

 

JERRY

Yes. I'm here to visit my cat. He had a serious operation today.

 

RECEPTIONIST

Name?

 

JERRY

Name? Oh, uh, Pooka.

 

RECEPTIONIST

Is that his surname?

GEORGE

Surname? What surname? It's a cat, for Christ's sake!

 

ELAINE SMACKS GEORGE ON SIDE OF HEAD. GEORGE RECOILS.

 

RECEPTIONIST

(to Jerry)

Are you the owner?

 

JERRY

Yes. Jerry Seinfeld.

 

RECEPTIONIST

(makes computer entry)

Pooka Seinfeld.

 

JERRY

That's m'boy!

 

RECEPTIONIST

I'm sorry, sir.

 

JERRY

Sorry?! Whatdyamean... ?!

 

RECEPTIONIST

I'm sorry, sir. It says here that he shouldn't be disturbed or excited in any way. He's still recovering from the anaesthesia. He'll be able to go home tomorrow. We'll give you a call then.

 

ELAINE

Is he alright?

 

RECEPTIONIST

He's fine. It's a routine operation, miss.

 

GEORGE

A thousand dollars?! A thousand dollars is a routine operation for a cat?!

 

ELAINE SMACKS GEORGE ON THE HEAD. GEORGE RECOILS.

 

RECEPTIONIST

Besides, visiting hours are over at Seven P.M. You're too late anyway.

 

JERRY

(hands the receptionist the mouse toy, squeaking it once as he does)

Well, could you make sure he gets this?

 

RECEPTIONIST TAKES THE MOUSE.

 

RECEPTIONIST

Sure. We'll call you. Go home. Get some rest. You need your strength.

 

GEORGE

Yeah, buddy. For Pooka.

 

JERRY

Thanks, guys. Thanks for being there for me and... Pooka.

 

ELAINE

Hey, what are friends for, huh? C'mon, let's go. We'll go back to your place, I'll pop some popcorn -

 

JERRY

(a little boy)

Popcorn?

 

ELAINE

Suuure! We'll watch some TV...

 

GEORGE

I gotta go. I got a date with Tara. Hey buddy, you saved a cat, you saved Kramer's tooth, and you saved my shoes. Ya done good today, kid!

(gently socks Jerry on shoulder)

 

CUT TO:

 

 

EXT. NEW YORK RESTAURANT - NIGHT

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. NEW YORK RESTAURANT - NIGHT

 

KRAMER SITS AT A TABLE OPPOSITE TISH. THEY ARE HAVING DESERT.

 

KRAMER

Isn't that the best apple pie you ever tasted in your entire life?

 

TISH

It's just incredible. In fact, this whole evening has been wonderful.

 

KRAMER

Of course it has, of course it has.

 

TISH

(suggestive)

And it's not over yet.

 

KRAMER

Rrrowr! What say we settle on up and mosey on outta here!

 

KRAMER REACHES INTO HIS LEFT FRONT POCKET.

 

KRAMER (cont'd)

(looking down at his pants)

Ah, jeez!

 

CLOSE - KRAMERS LEFT FRONT POCKET

 

THERE IS A PLATE-SIZED STAIN ORIGINATING FROM THE POCKET.

 

TISH

What is it?

 

WIDE - THE TABLE

 

KRAMER

I broke a tube of medicine in my front pocket! Man, it really shows up on these pants!

 

TISH

Stand up. Let me see.

 

KRAMER TRIES TO STAND BUT TO THEIR MUTUAL SHOCK HIS LEFT LEG IMMEDIATELY GIVES OUT. HE FRANTICALLY GRABS AT THE TABLE AS HE FALLS AND TAKES THE TABLE DOWN WITH HIM IN A LOUD COMMOTION. THE ENTIRE RESTAURANT IS NOW FOCUSED ON KRAMER AND HIS DATE.

 

KRAMER

My leg! I can't feel my leg! I'm paralyzed! Paralyzed! Somebody help me! Is there a doctor in the house?!

 

JERRY'S VET, WHO HAPPENS TO BE DINING THERE, STANDS UP IN RESPONSE.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

EXT. ANOTHER NEW YORK RESTAURANT - NIGHT

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. ANOTHER NEW YORK RESTAURANT - NIGHT

 

GEORGE AND TARA ARE AT A TABLE HAVING DRINKS.

 

TARA

- and so I said, "Look, this whole thing stinks! Find some other bimbo for your 'Girls of the Arctic' spread! I'm not posing topless in sub-freezing temperatures!"

 

GEORGE PICTURES IT, SMILES. SHE DOESN'T CATCH HIM.

 

TARA (cont'd)

So you've been pretty quiet.

 

GEORGE

Me? Oh, it's just something that I've got stuck in my head. Actually it's pretty funny! You know how you get something stuck in your head and it just preoccupies all your thoughts until you just have to say something?

 

TARA

No.

 

GEORGE

Sure you do, sure you do. It's just a - funny little observation a friend of mine made today -

 

TARA

(smiles, leans forward)

Mm-hmm?

 

GEORGE

Well, for example, have you ever seen your name in a mirror -

 

TARA'S ATTENTION SHIFTS DIRECTLY TO SOMETHING BEHIND GEORGE OVER HIS SHOULDER.

 

GEORGE (cont'd)

- you know, in passing, maybe reflected in a pane of glass... see, if you read "Tara" backwards it's -

 

TARA

Wait, George, there's a good friend of mine!

 

GEORGE

(turning to see)

Wha - ?

 

TARA

(stands)

Lana!

(gestures)

Lana! Over here!

 

CLOSE GEORGE CAN BARELY CONTAIN HIMSELF.

 

WIDE - THE TABLE

 

LANA JOINS THEM. SHE IS DRESSED LIKE A LIBRARIAN, WITH HER HAIR UP IN A BUN AND EYEGLASSES WITH A CORD ATTACHMENT. SHE IS CARRYING A BRIEFCASE. TARA GREETS LANA WITH A HUG.

 

TARA (cont'd)

(hugs Lana close)

Lana! It's so good to see you!

 

LANA'S ARMS JUST HANG AS SHE LETS TARA HUG HER.

 

LANA

Hello, it's good to see you, too.

 

TARA RELEASES LANA.

 

TARA

(to George)

George, this is Lana, my very dear friend!

(to Lana)

Lana, this is George Costanza.

(to George, suddenly realizing)

Oh, I'm sorry, George! I completely interrupted you!

(to Lana)

George is just a riot, Lana! You'd love him. He was just going to say something funny...

(to George)

Go ahead, George. What were you saying?

 

GEORGE

You know, that is so strange! It completely went out of my head!

 

TARA

But you just said you couldn't get it out of your head all day.

 

GEORGE

Isn't that something?! Your friend Anal walked up and I completely forgot what I was saying!

 

LANA

Excuse me?

 

TARA

What...?

 

GEORGE

(thinking fast)

So, Lana, what do you do for a living?

 

LANA

I'm a proctologist.

 

GEORGE

Really? No kidding? Listen, if you'll excuse me, ladies, I have to visit the restroom...

 

GEORGE TRIES TO STAND UP, BUT FINDS HE CANNOT. HE IS STUCK TO THE SEAT.

 

GEORGE (cont'd)

Hey, what the... I can't get up! I'm - I'm stuck to the seat!

 

TARA

What?!

 

GEORGE

(trying hard to get up)

I don't understand, I...

(suddenly realizing)

OH - MY - GOD!!!

 

TARA

What is it?!

 

GEORGE

I had a tube of SuperGlue in my front pocket! I think it broke and ran between my...!

 

LANA

(embarrassed, starting to leave)

I'm sorry, I think I should be go -

 

GEORGE

(grabbing Lana's arm)

No! Wait! My God, my... my cheeks!

 

TARA

(cupping her mouth)

Oh, George... !

 

GEORGE

(to Lana, pleading)

Doc, I'm sealed up tight as a zip-loc baggy! The lunch I had, it was huge! I'm not sure how long I can hold it! You gotta help me, Doc!

 

WIPE TO:

 

 

INT. SAME RESTAURANT - MINUTES LATER

 

CHAOS: TWO COOKS FROM THE KITCHEN ARE TRYING TO CUT GEORGE LOOSE WHILE LANA CALLS AN AMBULANCE ON HER CELL PHONE.

 

GEORGE

(to cooks)

Hurry! Hurry, damn you! Oh, God! Oh God!

 

LANA

... and tell the surgeon on duty to prep for a rectalotomy!

 

GEORGE

A rectalotomy?! Oh, God! I knew I shouldn't have eaten that third chili-dog for lunch!

 

EVERYBODY BACKS A STEP AWAY FROM GEORGE IN UNISON.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

 

JERRY AND ELAINE ARE WATCHING THE NEWS AND SHARING A BOWL OF POPCORN.

 

ANCHORMAN (V.O.)

- and wrapping up the late news tonight -

 

CLOSE ON TV SCREEN. A MAN/WOMAN ANCHOR TEAM ARE ON-THE-AIR.

 

ANCHORWOMAN

Two bizarre incidents in Manhattan tonight: a man in an east side restaurant became partially paralyzed due to medication he was taking, disrupting the entire restaurant and causing some damage, and ranting about a man named "Jerry."

And on the west side, a man glued himself to a restaurant booth with a powerful adhesive and was also heard to make angry and abusive statements towards a man named "Jerry."

Both men were hospitalized. The man with the paralyzed leg was treated and released. Not so lucky is the man who was glued to his seat: he is undergoing surgery to remove the cushion and separate his buttocks.

(to Anchorman)

Whoever this "Jerry" person is, I wouldn't want to be in his shoes tonight, Gabe!

 

ANCHORMAN

(laughs)

You can say that again, Melody!

(laughs)

 

JERRY AND ELAINE STARE AT THE TV TRANSFIXED. THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER, THEN BACK AT TV.

 

JERRY

Can I stay at your place for a few days?

 

ELAINE

I'm sick of the news. Any good late movies?

 

JERRY

(looks at a TV guide)

Oh, look! "Harvey"! I've always wanted to see that one; I just love James Stewart.

 

JERRY CLICKS REMOTE.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. DARK BEDROOM - NIGHT

 

ALL THAT IS VISIBLE IS A WINDOW DEFINED BY THE MOONLIGHT STREAMING IN. THERE ARE DAINTY, FRILLY CURTAINS ON THE WINDOW.

 

TISH (O.S.)

Kramer, it's okay. Really. Maybe... maybe this was a bad idea.

 

KRAMER (O.S.)

I'm tellin' ya it's not me!! It's this stuff! It's all over me! I'm gonna kill Jerry!

(beat)

Ow!

 

TISH (O.S.)

What's wrong?

 

KRAMER (O.S.)

Uh, nothing, nothing. Listen, sweetheart, you got any Anbesol?

 

TISH (O.S.)

(shocked)

Do I... what?

 

KRAMER (O.S.)

You know, Anbesol. You put it in your-

 

TISH (O.S.)

Oh! You PERVERT!

 

KRAMER (O.S.)

Wait, no, you don't...

 

THERE IS A LOUD SLAP O.S.

 

KRAMER (O.S.) (cont'd)

(howling pain)

Waaaaaah!

 

 

INT. HOSPITAL - OUTSIDE OPERATING ROOM

NURSE(O.S.)

That's it, Doctor! It's not much, but we're through!

 

SURGEON(O.S.)

Alright people! Fire in the hole! Clear the area!

 

THE O.R. DOORS BURST OPEN AND THE ENTIRE SURGICAL TEAM RUSHES OUT OF THE O.R. LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF.

 

CUT TO:

 

CLOSE - GEORGE'S FACE

 

HE IS PRONE, FACE DOWN ON AN OPERATING TABLE.

 

GEORGE

(visibly straining)

Jerry, you're a dead man!

 

CUT TO:

 

 

EXT. HOSPITAL - STOCK - NIGHT

 

GEORGE(O.S.)

(howling pain)

Waaaaaah!

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. VET WAITING ROOM - DAY

 

JERRY AND ELAINE ENTER.

 

JERRY

Let's get this over with. If I think too long about it I won't go through with it.

 

JERRY WALKS UP TO THE RECEPTIONIST.

 

JERRY (cont'd)

Hello. I'm here to get my cat.

RECEPTIONIST

Oh, yes sir. We'll bring him right out.

 

JERRY

(under his breath)

It better be on a silver platter!

 

RECEPTIONIST

Excuse me?

 

ELAINE

He said he can't wait to hear his little pitter-patter.

 

RECEPTIONIST

I have your bill right here, sir. The total is nine hundred and eighty-nine dollars and two cents.

 

JERRY

(taking out checkbook)

"Two" cents?!

 

RECEPTIONIST

Two cents.

 

JERRY

(furiously making out check)

Look, I'm making this check out for nine-hundred and eighty-nine dollars even and I want my cat!

(he slaps check down on counter)

 

THE VET ENTERS WITH POOKA.

 

VET

(handing the cat to Jerry)

Here you go, Mr. Seinfeld. Good as new!

 

JERRY

(taking Pooka)

Yeah? He should be better than new! For a thousand bucks I should get the bionic cat!

(turning his attention to Pooka)

Hey, boy, how are ya, huh? You all better? Did the big mean man scare you?

(holding the cat up and rubbing noses with it)

Oh, you're just so cute yes you are yes you are! Yes you -!

 

JERRY SNEEZES. JERRY SNEEZES AGAIN HARDER, HANDS THE CAT TO ELAINE AND SNEEZES AGAIN EVEN HARDER.

 

JERRY (cont'd)

I don't know what's wrong with me! Suddenly my nose is all itchy and my eyes are all watery!

 

VET

Have you ever owned a cat before?

 

JERRY

No...

 

VET

Well, I may not be an "expert," but I'd say you're extremely allergic to the little fella.

 

JERRY

But this didn't happen before!

 

VET

That's often the case. Sometimes it takes a while for the allergy to show up.

 

JERRY

But, Doc! If I had known this, I never would have...!

 

JERRY LOOKS AT THE CHECK STILL SITTING ON THE COUNTER. THE VET FOLLOWS JERRY'S GAZE, REALIZING WHAT JERRY IS THINKING.

 

TIGHT - JERRYS EYES

 

DART BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THE CHECK AND THE VET, GAUGING, TIMING. WE HEAR THE CLICHE TRADEMARK 'LONELY WHISTLE' THEME FROM "THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY." SHOWDOWN!

 

TIGHT - THE VETS EYES

 

WIDE - JERRY, ELAINE AND THE VET

 

JERRY AND THE VET BOTH DIVE FOR THE CHECK SIMULTANEOUSLY, BOWLING OVER ELAINE IN THE PROCESS WHO, TRYING TO REGAIN BALANCE, UNTHINKINGLY WINGS THE CAT INTO THE AIR. THE ACTION FREEZES TO A TABLEAU WITH ELAINE IN MID-FALL, THE CAT (OBVIOUSLY A STUNT CAT,) IN MID-AIR, AND JERRY'S AND THE VET'S HANDS INCHES FROM TOUCHING THE CHECK. CLOSING CREDITS APPEAR ON THE SCREEN.

 

 

FADE OUT

 

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