THE BUS

 

 

 

 

 

 

Written by Martin A. Stihec

Author: Masmaster

 

 

 

TEASER

 

FADE IN:

 

OPENING MONOLOGUE.

 

JERRY

The bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV, like, just sliding off the front of the sofa with potato chip crumbs on their face. Some people have a little too much fun on television. The soda commercial people – where do they summon this enthusiasm? Have you seen them? "We have soda! We have soda! We have soda!" Jumping, laughing, flying through the air. It's a can of soda. Have you ever been standing there, you're watching TV and you're drinking the exact product that they're advertising right there on TV? And it's like, you know, they're spiking volleyballs, jet skiing, girl is bikinis.. And I'm standing there, "Maybe I'm putting too much ice in mine."

 

ON THIS, WE

 

FADE OUT:

 

 

 

END OF TEASER

 

 

 

ACT ONE

 

 

EXT. NEW YORK – BUS STATION – NIGHT

 

GEORGE, JERRY, KRAMER AND ELAINE ARE SITTING ON A WAITING BENCH – IN THAT ORDER. KRAMER IS DRINKING A SODA, ELAINE IS LOOKING AROUND THE PLACE, JERRY IS READING A NEWSPAPER, AND GEORGE IS STARING AT HIS WATCH AND SHAKING HIS HEAD IMPATIENTLY. THE ONLY LIGHT WE SEE IS COMING FROM STREETLIGHTS. THE PLACE ISN’T VERY CROWDED.

 

GEORGE

Who is this guy we’re going to see anyway?

 

JERRY

Remember like seven years ago when I took the subway to Coney Island?

 

GEORGE

Seven years ago?

(GRUNTS)

I can’t even remember what I had for breakfast; how am I supposed to remember what happened seven years ago?

 

JERRY

C’mon, sure you remember. Elaine went a lesbian wedding, Kramer won eighteen grand at the races, and you came back naked from a job interview.

 

GEORGE

Alright, alright, enough already, I remember.

 

JERRY

He was the guy I talked to on the train.

 

ELAINE

The naked guy?

 

JERRY

Yeah, the naked guy. Apparently he’s lost some weight since then.

 

GEORGE

When’s the bus gonna get here? We’ve been waiting an hour and a half already. Why can’t we just drive?

 

JERRY

Are you crazy? I’m not driving four hours straight at this time a night.

 

GEORGE

Hey, we’re all sitting next to each other on the bus right?

 

JERRY

Yeah.

 

GEORGE

Good. I hate sitting next to people I don’t know on public transportation.

 

KRAMER LEANS OVER JERRY AND HANDS HIS DRINK OUT TO GEORGE.

 

KRAMER

You want a drink?

 

GEORGE

No thanks; I’m good.

 

KRAMER

You sure? It’s very refreshing.

 

JERRY STARTS GETTING ANNOYED AT THE AWKWARD POSITION KRAMER HAS PUT HIM IN.

 

GEORGE

I’m sure.

 

KRAMER

Just a sip.

 

GEORGE

Kramer I don’t want any.

 

KRAMER

I guarantee you’ll like it.

 

GEORGE SHAKES HIS HEAD.

 

KRAMER

What’s the matter with you?

 

GEORGE

No.

 

JERRY RUNS OUT OF PATIENCE AND PUSHES KRAMER BACK TO HIS SIDE.

 

JERRY

Oh, just move back.

 

KRAMER SPILLS HIS SODA ALL OVER GEORGE’S SHOES AS JERRY PUSHES HIM BACK.

 

GEORGE

What’re you doing?! You spilt your drink all over my shoes – these are brand new!

 

KRAMER

It wasn’t my fault; Jerry pushed me.

 

GEORGE

(TO JERRY)

Why did ya have to push him?! My feet are gonna be soaking wet all night now! The bus’ll be freezing cold…

 

ELAINE

Just take your shoes off and let’em dry until the bus…

 

THE BUS ARRIVES AND THE DOORS OPEN.

 

ELAINE (Cont’d)

… Gets here.

 

GEORGE

(SARCASTICALLY)

Oh, that’s great! Now it comes. Ho ho.

 

JERRY

Well… we’d better get on.

 

JERRY, ELAINE AND KRAMER GET UP AND WALK INTO THE BUS. GEORGE LOOKS AROUND – FRUSTRATED FOR A BEAT, AND THEN GETS UP AND INTO THE BUS AS WELL.

 

 

INT. BUS – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS

 

JERRY, GEORGE, KRAMER AND ELAINE ARE WALKING DOWN THE BUS. THERE ARE OVER A DOZEN ROWS OF TWO SEATS EITHER SIDE OF THE NARROW WALKWAY THEY’RE IN. THE BUS IS ALMOST CHOCKABLOCK FULL.

 

JERRY

I’m not seeing any free seats next to each other George.

 

GEORGE

Oh no.

 

KRAMER

I’m getting one up front; maybe they’ll put on a movie.

 

JERRY

Kramer its eleven o’clock, they’re not gonna put on a movie – people are trying to sleep.

 

MAN ON BUS #1 (OS)

Yeah, they are. So why don't you sit down and shut up.

 

KRAMER TAKES A SEAT ON THE WINDOW SIDE UP FRONT NEXT TO AN OLD MAN – ACCIDENTALLY KICKING HIM IN THE LEG ON THE WAY TO THE WINDOW SEAT.

 

ELAINE

Well I’m sitting down the back; that’s where all the heat’s going. That’s where you should sit if you don’t want to get cold feet George.

 

GEORGE

I can’t sit at the back of buses; it’s too far away from the driver.

 

ELAINE

So?

 

GEORGE

What if I get into a fight or someone tries to stab me with a knife?

 

JERRY

What’s the bus driver going to do to stop it? Even if he wanted to help he couldn’t; he’s too busy driving the bus.

 

GEORGE

It just makes me uncomfortable, okay?

 

ELAINE

Well… See ya in four hours I guess.

 

JERRY

Bye Laine.

 

ELAINE WALKS TO THE BACK OF THE BUS AND OFF SCREEN JUST AS THE BUS STARTS MOVING. JERRY STARTS TO SIT DOWN IN ONE OF THE EMPTY SEATS WHEN GEORGE HOLDS HIM BACK.

 

GEORGE

What are you doing?

 

JERRY

I’m sitting down.

 

GEORGE

Why are ya sitting here?

 

JERRY

Why wouldn’t I sit here?

 

GEORGE

I thought we could find two aisle seats next to each other and sit in them.

 

JERRY

What would be the point? We couldn’t actually talk to each other.

 

GEORGE

Why not?

 

JERRY

Distance.

 

GEORGE

Distance? What do ya mean?

 

JERRY

The distance from one aisle seat to the other is too great. We’d have to talk louder than is usually acceptable to hear each other.

 

GEORGE

What?? Take a look at how narrow the aisle is. It couldn’t be more than half a meter wide. Are you telling me we’d have to yell from that far away?

 

JERRY

I didn’t say we’d have to yell. I said we’d have to speak louder than is usually acceptable.

 

GEORGE

How loud is usually acceptable?

 

JERRY

The level we’re talking at now. Not quite a whisper but not as loud as we’d normally talk if we were eating lunch at the Coffee shop.

 

GEORGE

Where do you come up with this stuff? Either you’re whispering, talking normally or shouting. There aren’t any in-betweens.

 

JERRY

So, you’re saying that there’re only three voice tones in the entire human sound spectrum? You’re insane.

 

GEORGE

No. I’m saying that, although there are many tones, they all fall under three categories; whisper, normal, and shout.

 

JERRY

Look, George, I’m not arguing with you anymore. The bus is moving and I’ve chosen a place to sit… end of story.

 

GEORGE

Oh, fine – I know when I’m not welcome.

 

JERRY

Then why are you always there?

 

GEORGE

(SARCASTICALLY)

Funny guy!

 

GEORGE MOVES A FEW ROWS DOWN AND SITS NEXT TO AN OLD LADY ON THE AISLE SIDE. JERRY SITS DOWN IN THE AISLE SEAT HE WAS ABOUT TO SIT IN BEFORE, NEXT TO A TWELVE YEAR OLD BOY.

 

 

JERRY AND BOY

 

JERRY

Hey.

 

BOY

(MIMICKING JERRY)

Hey.

 

JERRY

Where’re ya headed?

 

THE BOY SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS.

 

JERRY

Your parents on the bus?

 

THE BOY SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS.

 

JERRY

So, how about those Knicks?

 

THE BOY SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS.

 

JERRY

Well it’s been great chatting with you but I think I’ll take a nap now, okay?

 

THE BOY SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS AGAIN AND JERRY LEANS BACK IN HIS CHAIR – CLOSING HIS EYES.

 

 

 

KRAMER AND OLD MAN

 

KRAMER HOLDS HIS HAND OUT TO THE OLD MAN.

 

KRAMER

Hi, I’m Cosmo Kramer.

 

OLD MAN

Douglas Morton. I’d shake your hand –  THE OLD MAN RAISES HIS RIGHT ARM – WHICH HAS NO HAND ATTACHED TO IT!

 

OLD MAN (Cont’d)

But I lost it in World War II.

 

KRAMER NOTICES THE MISSING HAND AND, WITH ONE OF HIS UNIQUE KRAMER MOVEMENTS, PULLS BACK AND DONGS HIS HEAD ON THE WINDOW.

 

 

 

ELAINE IN A BACK ROW

 

SHE IS SITTING ON THE WINDOW SIDE WITH A WOMAN SITTING NEXT TO HER. ELAINE SNIFFS – SMELLING SOMETHING.

 

ELAINE

Excuse me. Do you smell that?

 

WOMAN

Yes. It smells horrible.

 

ELAINE

What is that?

 

A FAT MAN WALKS OUT OF THE TOILET – WHICH IS ONLY FIVE FEET AWAY FROM ELAINE.

 

ELAINE

Oh my god!

 

WOMAN

I think I’m going to be sick.

 

ELAINE TAKES HER BROWN SICK BAG OUT FROM THE BACK OF HER SEAT AND STARTS BREATHING INTO IT.

 

 

 

GEORGE AND OLD LADY

 

GEORGE IS SHUDDERING, HOLDING HIS ARMS TOGETHER TRYING TO STAY WARM.

 

GEORGE

Ah, Ma’am, would mind terribly if I turned on the heat?

 

OLD LADY

Oh, aren’t you a gentleman; asking so politely.

 

GEORGE REACHES UP TO TURN THE AIR CONDITIONING ON.

 

OLD LADY

Yes I do mind.

 

GEORGE HOLDS BACK A HARSH WORD.

 

GEORGE

But I’m very cold. My friend spilt his drink on my shoes and feet are soaking wet.

 

OLD LADY

I’m sorry, but I’m rather warm.

 

GEORGE

I’ll only turn it on on my side.

 

OLD LADY

No; the breeze will keep me awake all night.

 

GEORGE

C’mon, I’m freezin’ my toes off here.

 

OLD LADY

I said no.

 

A BEAT PASSES…

 

GEORGE

Ho ho!

 

GEORGE LOWERS HIS ARM – GIVING UP.

 

 

 

KRAMER AND OLD MAN

 

KRAMER

When’re they gonna put the movie on?

 

OLD MAN

Movie? They’re not putting on a movie. They put one on at eight thirty.

 

KRAMER

What, they’re only showing it once – that’s it? What about people who get on after eight thirty? Do they just miss out?

 

OLD MAN

I guess so.

 

KRAMER

Well that doesn’t sound right.

 

OLD MAN

Eh, what are ya gonna do?

 

KRAMER

I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do; I’m gonna talk to the driver – that’s what I’m gonna do.

 

OLD MAN

What?? You can’t talk to the driver – he’s busy driving the bus.

 

KRAMER

I’m going – I’m doing it.

 

KRAMER GETS UP AND MOVES PAST THE OLD MAN TO THE AISLE – KICKING HIS LEGS AGAIN ON THE WAY. KRAMER WALKS UP TO THE BUS DRIVER.

 

KRAMER

Hey, excuse me.

 

BUS DRIVER

Yes?

 

KRAMER

Ah, my friend and I were wandering when you were planning on putting the movie on?

 

BUS DRIVER

Movie? Na, I already played the movie four hours ago.

 

KRAMER

Yeah, but I only got on an hour ago.

 

BUS DRIVER

So?

 

KRAMER

So I didn’t see it. I would like to see it.

 

BUS DRIVER

Well I can’t put it on now; people are sleeping.

 

KRAMER

What movie was it?

 

BUS DRIVER

“Demolition Man.”

 

KRAMER

What was it about?

 

BUS DRIVER

They freeze this guy and wake him up in the future to track down this criminal.

 

KRAMER

Why did they do that?

 

BUS DRIVER

Why did they freeze him or why did they unfreeze him?

 

KRAMER

Why did they unfreeze him.

 

BUS DRIVER

Because, in the future, the world has no violence and the only way they can think of to track down a violent criminal is to wake up a violent cop.

 

KRAMER

Who’s in it?

 

BUS DRIVER

Wesley Snipes and Sylvester Stallone.

 

KRAMER

You know, that doesn't sound too bad.

 

BUS DRIVER

Oh it was great. A box-office hit.

(BEAT)

Hey, I’m sorry I can’t play again.

 

KRAMER

Yeah.

 

KRAMER WALKS BACK TO HIS SEAT AND SITS DOWN – KICKING THE OLD MAN IN THE LEGS ON THE WAY BACK… AGAIN.

 

OLD MAN

So, what did he say?

 

KRAMER

Yeah, he wouldn’t put it on.

 

OLD MAN

I told ya.

 

KRAMER

Yeah, yeah, I know.

 

ON THIS, WE

 

FADE OUT: