THE BORROWED BOOK

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Seinfeld Fan Fiction script

 

By

 

Joel Gomes

 

 

 

May 2003

 

 

 

 

 

INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT

 

JERRY IS ON STAGE.

 

JERRY

I like wireless headphones. I really love ‘em. They’re so much better than the regular ones, y’know? You walk around the house without worrying about the wire’s length; you can even sleep with them without waking up to find yourself hanged.

Of course, the only problem about the wireless phones is still comfort. They solved security, but there’s still a big distance before we reach comfort.

You know those really big ones, which make you look like a pilot? I find it very hard to believe that someone is actually capable of sleeping with one of them on without waking up with a sour neck.

What’s even stranger is that people use headphones to prevent sound disturbing others. Is the sound so high that they need to use headphones? If so, how do they manage to sleep with all the noise? Put earplugs under the headphones?

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. MONK’S. DAY

 

JERRY AND GEORGE ARE HAVING LUNCH. GEORGE IS LOST WITH HIS THOUGHTS.

 

JERRY

What’s on your mind?

 

GEORGE

You know. The usual.

 

Jerry

You mean, nothing?

 

George

I’m still thinking about what Mr. Smith told me.

 

Jerry

About you fixing him up with your girlfriend?

 

George

Yeah.

 

Jerry

Did he give you a deadline?

 

George

No. But it’s been almost two weeks since the deal. Sooner or later I’ll be the one who’s gonna be dead.

 

Jerry

(smiles)

How did you get yourself into this?

 

George

I was... myself.

 

Jerry

You shouldn’t have been you. Have you told Monica anything?

 

George

Not yet. I only met her two days ago.

 

Jerry

I’m sure she’ll understand once you tell her you want her to sex with your boss.

 

George

She is dating me.

 

Jerry

That’s my point.

 

George

Remember Richard James?

 

Jerry nods.

 

George

I saw him last night.

 

Jerry

Did you talk to him?

 

George

No. I saw him from the cab.

 

Jerry

It’s a good thing you’ve mentioned him though. I have to return him his book.

 

GEORGE

What book?

 

JERRY

Don’t remember.

 

GEORGE

You didn’t read it?

 

JERRY

I said I don’t remember.

 

GEORGE

You didn’t remember reading or you don’t remember what you read?

 

JERRY

I don’t remember what I read.

 

Kramer bursts in and joins them. He’s very nervous.

 

Jerry

Whatsa matter?

 

Kramer

I was robbed!

 

Jerry

What? How?

 

Kramer

They got in my place last night and took all my stuff!

 

Jerry

What stuff? You don’t have your stuff, you have my stuff! They took my stuff!

 

Kramer

What am I gonna do now, Jerry?

 

Jerry

What about that alarm you installed?

 

Kramer

It was off.

 

George

What d’you want an alarm for, if you keep it off?

 

Kramer

So that I can sleep. That thing has a motion detector that reaches almost six feet. All it takes is Jerry coming to his door in the middle of the night and...

(SNAPS)

Bing!

 

George

Bing?

 

Jerry

I never heard a bing.

 

Kramer

Because I keep the alarm off.

 

George

So you keep the alarm off just because of that?

 

Kramer

How am I supposed to sleep?

 

Jerry

Is the sleep more important to you than being robbed?

 

Kramer

Well... yeah.

 

Jerry

But sleep can be recovered. But my stuff can’t. See what I’m saying?

 

Kramer

No.

 

George

(winks to Jerry)

Why don’t you buy a silent alarm?

 

Jerry gets the trick and goes along.

 

Jerry

Maybe because, he can’t hear it.

 

George

No no no. I saw it once on a catalog. It comes with a set of headphones so we don’t bother anybody.

 

Jerry

It’s a great deal, if you wanna hang yourself to death.

 

George

At least, you won’t be bothered if you’re robbed.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

Int. infosys. Lobbby. Day

 

George is walking to his office and almost bumps into Mr. Smith.

 

Mr. Smith

George!

 

George

M-Mr. Smith. Hi!

 

George

So what about our little arrangement, George? I hope it will be worth the waiting.

 

George

It will be, Mr. Smith. That I promise.

 

Cut to:

 

 

Int. restaurant. Night

 

George is having dinner with Monica, a beautiful brunette. It’s a romantic dinner, with candles and soft music.

 

George is trying to make her laugh, but to every little joke he tells, she just grins.

 

George

You know... I have to tell you this. I’m not very fond of this "candle-light dinner" thing. I mean,

(LAUGHS)

do they make this so that we can’t see what we’re eating? I’m not sure if this is really meat or just something that tastes like it.

 

George’s efforts slowly die away as he realizes the expression on Monica’s face.

 

 

Int. monk’s. day

 

George and Jerry are having breakfast.

 

George

I had dinner with Monica last night. Romantic thing, y’know? Candlelight and all that stuff... I tried to set a nice mood. Tried to be funny.

 

Jerry

And?

 

George

I would have gotten a better result if I had taken her out to the filthiest hot-dog stand in the world and read the results from the stock market from two days ago.

(BITES HIS SANDWICH)

She’s a grinner. Plain and simple.

 

Jerry

A grinner, hey?

 

George

Yeah. Every time I said something she just grinned.

 

Jerry

I find that very entertaining.

 

George

Tell me something, Jerry.

 

Jerry

What?

 

George

Do you think I’m annoying?

 

Jerry

You want an honest answer?

 

george

Yes.

 

Jerry

Then I’d have to say... yes.

 

George

What happened to dishonesty?

 

Jerry

You should ask yourself that question.

 

george

There is one good thing about all this thing though.

 

Jerry

And that is?

 

George

I will have no remorse after I set her up with Mr. Smith.

 

Jerry

What makes you think you would have any remorse if she was someone nicer?

 

George

Nothing. It’s just that I like to have a clear conscience on this.

 

Jerry

What makes you think you have a conscience?

 

Elaine comes in a joyfull mood.

 

Elaine

Hello!

 

George

Hi.

 

Jerry

Well, well, well! Someone is in a good mood today!

 

Elaine

You have no idea!

 

Jerry

What happened to your neck?

 

Elaine

Some guy fixed it.

 

Jerry

"Some guy"?

 

elaine

Yeah. I was walking home last night and I was complaining about my neck and this guy just came out from behind me and started rubbing it.

 

Jerry

He came from behind you, rubbed your neck and then what?

 

Elaine

I asked him his name.

 

George

Why doesn’t that surprise me?

 

Kramer enters and sits.

 

Jerry

Did you get yourself a new alarm?

 

Kramer

No. I’m looking for something else.

 

Elaine

Why do you want an alarm for? You have nothing worth stealing.

 

Jerry

Except my stuff and they took that last night.

 

Elaine

(to Kramer)

Oh Kramer! I’m so sorry!

 

Jerry

Why are you sorry for him? Most of the stolen stuff were mine.

 

Kramer

That’s okay, Elaine. George, think you can help me out?

 

George

Help you with what?

 

Kramer

I need to know where I can find one of those silent alarms.

 

George is quiet for a few seconds.

 

George

Jerry, you’re his neighbor. Please explain it to him.

 

Kramer

Explain to me what?

 

Jerry

What George and I said about the silent alarm was a just a comic relief. A joke. A prank.

 

Kramer

You mean they don’t exist?

 

Jerry

Not that I’m aware off.

 

Kramer

Well, since you’re not aware of everything, isn’t it possible that something like that might actually exists?

 

Jerry

And you’re gonna look for it, right?

 

Kramer

You bet!

(gets up)

I’ll see ya! Giddy up!

 

Kramer leaves.

 

Jerry

Sometimes I think that being his neighbor doesn’t put me in a better position to understand him.

 

George

I think that not even him understands himself.

 

Cut to:

 

 

Int. Restaurant. Night

 

George and Monica are having dinner. George glances at his watch nervously.

 

George

(thinking)

Where the hell is he?

 

Monica

George? Is everything alright?

 

George

(snorts)

Fine. Just peachy!

 

George

(thinking)

"Peachy"? What kind of remark was that? Oh God! Please make him hurry!

 

Mr. Smith enters the restaurant and approaches the table where George and monica are sitting.

 

George

(thinking)

Finally!

 

Mr. Smith

Good evening, George.

 

George

Mr. Smith! What’re you doing here?

 

Mr. Smith

Having dinner, what else?

 

Monica

Care to join us?

 

Mr. Smith

(sitting next to Monica)

Of course not!

 

George

Oh! What happened to my manners? Monica, this is my boss, Mr. Smith. Mr. Smith, this is my girlfriend, Monica.

 

Mr. Smith

(kisses her knuckles)

Enchanté.

 

Monica

(giggles)

Thank you Mr. Smith.

 

George grins and takes a sip from his drink.

 

George

(thinking)

What a slut.

 

Cut to:

 

 

Ext. street. Day

 

Jerry is walking with a book under his arms when he bumps into a man looking like a punk from the sixties.

 

Jerry

Oh! I’m sorry!

 

Jerry tries to leave but the character seems to recognize him.

 

Richard

Jerry?

 

Jerry

Richard? Richard James? Is that you?

 

Richard

Yes. It’s my new look.

 

Jerry

Oh! It’s very... uh...

 

Richard

What are you doing here?

 

Jerry

I-I-I just...

 

Richard

You still have my book, haven’t you?

 

Jerry

Yeah. Actually, I have it right here with me.

 

Jerry shows the book to Richard.

 

Richard

What are you doing with me book?

 

Jerry

I... er... was looking for you. Someone told me you use to hang out around here-

 

Richard

Who told you that?

 

Jerry (cont’d)

so I decided to come here and bring the book with me and see if I could find you.

 

Richard

You were gonna borrow the book?

 

Jerry

No! Of course not!

 

Richard

Someone returned it to you now, then?

 

Jerry

No!

(GIVES RICHARD THE BOOK)

Here’s your book.

 

Richard flips the book.

 

Richard

There are pages missing here. Where’s the index?

(gives the book back to jerry)

This is not my book.

 

Jerry grins.

 

Cut to:

 

 

Int. Jerry’s apartment. Day

 

Jerry and george are watching tv. Jerry clics through all the channels.

 

George

He found out that you’ve been borrowing his book to everybody?

 

Jerry

Yeah. I mean, that wasn’t his real book anyway.

 

George

What happened to it then?

 

Jerry

I don’t know. I lent it to someone and that someone lost it. I had no option but to go to the flea market and buy another one.