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The Borrowed Book

THE BORROWED BOOK

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Seinfeld Fan Fiction script

 

By

 

Joel Gomes

 

 

 

May 2003


 

 

 

 

 

INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT

 

JERRY IS ON STAGE.

 

JERRY

I like wireless headphones. I really love Ďem. Theyíre so much better than the regular ones, yíknow? You walk around the house without worrying about the wireís length; you can even sleep with them without waking up to find yourself hanged.

Of course, the only problem about the wireless phones is still comfort. They solved security, but thereís still a big distance before we reach comfort.

You know those really big ones, which make you look like a pilot? I find it very hard to believe that someone is actually capable of sleeping with one of them on without waking up with a sour neck.

Whatís even stranger is that people use headphones to prevent sound disturbing others. Is the sound so high that they need to use headphones? If so, how do they manage to sleep with all the noise? Put earplugs under the headphones?

 

CUT TO:

 

 

INT. MONKíS. DAY

 

JERRY AND GEORGE ARE HAVING LUNCH. GEORGE IS LOST WITH HIS THOUGHTS.

 

JERRY

Whatís on your mind?

 

GEORGE

You know. The usual.

 

Jerry

You mean, nothing?

 

George

Iím still thinking about what Mr. Smith told me.

 

Jerry

About you fixing him up with your girlfriend?

 

George

Yeah.

 

Jerry

Did he give you a deadline?

 

George

No. But itís been almost two weeks since the deal. Sooner or later Iíll be the one whoís gonna be dead.

 

Jerry

(smiles)

How did you get yourself into this?

 

George

I was... myself.

 

Jerry

You shouldnít have been you. Have you told Monica anything?

 

George

Not yet. I only met her two days ago.

 

Jerry

Iím sure sheíll understand once you tell her you want her to sex with your boss.

 

George

She is dating me.

 

Jerry

Thatís my point.

 

George

Remember Richard James?

 

Jerry nods.

 

George

I saw him last night.

 

Jerry

Did you talk to him?

 

George

No. I saw him from the cab.

 

Jerry

Itís a good thing youíve mentioned him though. I have to return him his book.

 

GEORGE

What book?

 

JERRY

Donít remember.

 

GEORGE

You didnít read it?

 

JERRY

I said I donít remember.

 

GEORGE

You didnít remember reading or you donít remember what you read?

 

JERRY

I donít remember what I read.

 

Kramer bursts in and joins them. Heís very nervous.

 

Jerry

Whatsa matter?

 

Kramer

I was robbed!

 

Jerry

What? How?

 

Kramer

They got in my place last night and took all my stuff!

 

Jerry

What stuff? You donít have your stuff, you have my stuff! They took my stuff!

 

Kramer

What am I gonna do now, Jerry?

 

Jerry

What about that alarm you installed?

 

Kramer

It was off.

 

George

What díyou want an alarm for, if you keep it off?

 

Kramer

So that I can sleep. That thing has a motion detector that reaches almost six feet. All it takes is Jerry coming to his door in the middle of the night and...

(SNAPS)

Bing!

 

George

Bing?

 

Jerry

I never heard a bing.

 

Kramer

Because I keep the alarm off.

 

George

So you keep the alarm off just because of that?

 

Kramer

How am I supposed to sleep?

 

Jerry

Is the sleep more important to you than being robbed?

 

Kramer

Well... yeah.

 

Jerry

But sleep can be recovered. But my stuff canít. See what Iím saying?

 

Kramer

No.

 

George

(winks to Jerry)

Why donít you buy a silent alarm?

 

Jerry gets the trick and goes along.

 

Jerry

Maybe because, he canít hear it.

 

George

No no no. I saw it once on a catalog. It comes with a set of headphones so we donít bother anybody.

 

Jerry

Itís a great deal, if you wanna hang yourself to death.

 

George

At least, you wonít be bothered if youíre robbed.

 

CUT TO:

 

 

Int. infosys. Lobbby. Day

 

George is walking to his office and almost bumps into Mr. Smith.

 

Mr. Smith

George!

 

George

M-Mr. Smith. Hi!

 

George

So what about our little arrangement, George? I hope it will be worth the waiting.

 

George

It will be, Mr. Smith. That I promise.

 

Cut to:

 

 

Int. restaurant. Night

 

George is having dinner with Monica, a beautiful brunette. Itís a romantic dinner, with candles and soft music.

 

George is trying to make her laugh, but to every little joke he tells, she just grins.

 

George

You know... I have to tell you this. Iím not very fond of this "candle-light dinner" thing. I mean,

(LAUGHS)

do they make this so that we canít see what weíre eating? Iím not sure if this is really meat or just something that tastes like it.

 

Georgeís efforts slowly die away as he realizes the expression on Monicaís face.

 

 

Int. monkís. day

 

George and Jerry are having breakfast.

 

George

I had dinner with Monica last night. Romantic thing, yíknow? Candlelight and all that stuff... I tried to set a nice mood. Tried to be funny.

 

Jerry

And?

 

George

I would have gotten a better result if I had taken her out to the filthiest hot-dog stand in the world and read the results from the stock market from two days ago.

(BITES HIS SANDWICH)

Sheís a grinner. Plain and simple.

 

Jerry

A grinner, hey?

 

George

Yeah. Every time I said something she just grinned.

 

Jerry

I find that very entertaining.

 

George

Tell me something, Jerry.

 

Jerry

What?

 

George

Do you think Iím annoying?

 

Jerry

You want an honest answer?

 

george

Yes.

 

Jerry

Then Iíd have to say... yes.

 

George

What happened to dishonesty?

 

Jerry

You should ask yourself that question.

 

george

There is one good thing about all this thing though.

 

Jerry

And that is?

 

George

I will have no remorse after I set her up with Mr. Smith.

 

Jerry

What makes you think you would have any remorse if she was someone nicer?

 

George

Nothing. Itís just that I like to have a clear conscience on this.

 

Jerry

What makes you think you have a conscience?

 

Elaine comes in a joyfull mood.

 

Elaine

Hello!

 

George

Hi.

 

Jerry

Well, well, well! Someone is in a good mood today!

 

Elaine

You have no idea!

 

Jerry

What happened to your neck?

 

Elaine

Some guy fixed it.

 

Jerry

"Some guy"?

 

elaine

Yeah. I was walking home last night and I was complaining about my neck and this guy just came out from behind me and started rubbing it.

 

Jerry

He came from behind you, rubbed your neck and then what?

 

Elaine

I asked him his name.

 

George

Why doesnít that surprise me?

 

Kramer enters and sits.

 

Jerry

Did you get yourself a new alarm?

 

Kramer

No. Iím looking for something else.

 

Elaine

Why do you want an alarm for? You have nothing worth stealing.

 

Jerry

Except my stuff and they took that last night.

 

Elaine

(to Kramer)

Oh Kramer! Iím so sorry!

 

Jerry

Why are you sorry for him? Most of the stolen stuff were mine.

 

Kramer

Thatís okay, Elaine. George, think you can help me out?

 

George

Help you with what?

 

Kramer

I need to know where I can find one of those silent alarms.

 

George is quiet for a few seconds.

 

George

Jerry, youíre his neighbor. Please explain it to him.

 

Kramer

Explain to me what?

 

Jerry

What George and I said about the silent alarm was a just a comic relief. A joke. A prank.

 

Kramer

You mean they donít exist?

 

Jerry

Not that Iím aware off.

 

Kramer

Well, since youíre not aware of everything, isnít it possible that something like that might actually exists?

 

Jerry

And youíre gonna look for it, right?

 

Kramer

You bet!

(gets up)

Iíll see ya! Giddy up!

 

Kramer leaves.

 

Jerry

Sometimes I think that being his neighbor doesnít put me in a better position to understand him.

 

George

I think that not even him understands himself.

 

Cut to:

 

 

Int. Restaurant. Night

 

George and Monica are having dinner. George glances at his watch nervously.

 

George

(thinking)

Where the hell is he?

 

Monica

George? Is everything alright?

 

George

(snorts)

Fine. Just peachy!

 

George

(thinking)

"Peachy"? What kind of remark was that? Oh God! Please make him hurry!

 

Mr. Smith enters the restaurant and approaches the table where George and monica are sitting.

 

George

(thinking)

Finally!

 

Mr. Smith

Good evening, George.

 

George

Mr. Smith! Whatíre you doing here?

 

Mr. Smith

Having dinner, what else?

 

Monica

Care to join us?

 

Mr. Smith

(sitting next to Monica)

Of course not!

 

George

Oh! What happened to my manners? Monica, this is my boss, Mr. Smith. Mr. Smith, this is my girlfriend, Monica.

 

Mr. Smith

(kisses her knuckles)

Enchantť.

 

Monica

(giggles)

Thank you Mr. Smith.

 

George grins and takes a sip from his drink.

 

George

(thinking)

What a slut.

 

Cut to:

 

 

Ext. street. Day

 

Jerry is walking with a book under his arms when he bumps into a man looking like a punk from the sixties.

 

Jerry

Oh! Iím sorry!

 

Jerry tries to leave but the character seems to recognize him.

 

Richard

Jerry?

 

Jerry

Richard? Richard James? Is that you?

 

Richard

Yes. Itís my new look.

 

Jerry

Oh! Itís very... uh...

 

Richard

What are you doing here?

 

Jerry

I-I-I just...

 

Richard

You still have my book, havenít you?

 

Jerry

Yeah. Actually, I have it right here with me.

 

Jerry shows the book to Richard.

 

Richard

What are you doing with me book?

 

Jerry

I... er... was looking for you. Someone told me you use to hang out around here-

 

Richard

Who told you that?

 

Jerry (contíd)

so I decided to come here and bring the book with me and see if I could find you.

 

Richard

You were gonna borrow the book?

 

Jerry

No! Of course not!

 

Richard

Someone returned it to you now, then?

 

Jerry

No!

(GIVES RICHARD THE BOOK)

Hereís your book.

 

Richard flips the book.

 

Richard

There are pages missing here. Whereís the index?

(gives the book back to jerry)

This is not my book.

 

Jerry grins.

 

Cut to:

 

 

Int. Jerryís apartment. Day

 

Jerry and george are watching tv. Jerry clics through all the channels.

 

George

He found out that youíve been borrowing his book to everybody?

 

Jerry

Yeah. I mean, that wasnít his real book anyway.

 

George

What happened to it then?

 

Jerry

I donít know. I lent it to someone and that someone lost it. I had no option but to go to the flea market and buy another one.

 

George

Flea market is very resourceful. I introduced Monica to Mr. Smith last night. Itís only a matter of time.

 

Jerry

Iíve never seen anyone this happy for being cheated.

 

George

Youíre right! Iím being cheated!

 

JERRY

Itís like they say, realization is a bitch.

 

GEORGE

What did Richard tell about the book?

 

Jerry

He asked me who borrowed it.

 

George

You didnít tell him about me, did you?

 

Jerry

I donít think so. Why?

 

George

Okay. Hereís what I want you to do. I want you to call Richard and tell him that your house was robbed and that someone switched the book. Got it?

 

Jerry

Why would I do that?

 

George

Because Iím asking you to. As a friend. Please?

 

Jerry

Wait a minute!

(gets up and point to george inquisitely)

It was you! You lost the book, didnít you?

 

George

Please, Jerry! You canít tell him the truth! If you do Iíll be as good as dead.

 

Jerry

Thatís not a good thing.

 

George

No, itís not. So, will you help me?

 

Jerry

What makes you think heís gonna believe it?

 

George

I donít know. Youíre an actor. Act.

 

Jerry

Iím not an actor. Iím a comedian. Thereís a difference.

 

George

Itís all about pretending.

 

Jerry

Why donít you tell him, then?

 

George

Jerry, please!

 

Jerry

Alright! Iíll call him.

 

Jerry picks up the phone and dials. Without George noticing, Jerry clicks the button.

 

Jerry

Hello? Richard? This is Jerry. Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah. Look, I wanted to tell you about your book. Yes, I mean, no. You see, what happened was that my house was robbed a couple of weeks ago and the burglars switched the books. Yes. It happened so long ago I completely forgot it. Uh uh. You wanna know why? Just a second, okay?

(to george)

He wants to know why the burglars switched the books.

 

George

Tell him you donít know.

 

Jerry

I donít know. Because I thought you wouldnít believe if I told you. You do? Really? Thatís great! Yeah... Alright. Thank you. Iíll see you.

(hangs up)

I canít believe it!

 

George

What did I tell you?

 

Jerry

Why didnít you want him to find out about you losing his book? Youíre scared of him?

 

George

Come on! You saw the way he looks now. Youíre telling me Iím not supposed to be scared? He must be "Psycho" Richard or something.

 

Jerry

Ah! So youíre scared because of his nickname?

 

George

The nickname is my idea. And besides, itís not that. I just donít wanna be the one to confirm if the nickname fits.

 

Jerry

You are scared.

 

George

No, Iím not.

 

Jerry

Letís see about that.

 

Jerry grabs the phone.

 

Jerry

(dialing)

Iím gonna call Richard and Iím gonna tell him the truth.

 

George panics. He kneels before Jerry and starts to kiss the floor at jerryís feet.

 

George

Jerry! Please! Donít do it! Please! Iíll do anything you want!

 

Jerry smiles and puts the phone down.

 

Jerry

Alright...

 

Cut to:

 

 

Int. Monkí. Day

 

The group is having lunch.

 

Kramer wipes his mouth and gets up.

 

Kramer

I guess Iíll be running now. I found a place that sells silent alarms.

 

Jerry

No kidding?

 

Kramer

Yeah. Theyíre gonna install it today.

 

Kramer leaves.

 

Jerry

That ought to be an improvement.

(to george)

Salt! Quick!

 

George passes the salt to Jerry.

 

Jerry

What about you, Elaine?

 

Elaine

What about me?

 

Jerry

How are things with your personal masseuse?

 

Elaine

Ah! Donít even tell me about it! Iím in a dilemma, Jerry!

 

George

Whatís the matter?

 

Jerry

(slaps georgeís head)

Quiet!

(to Elaine)

Whatís the matter?

 

Elaine is intrigued by the situation but doesnít say a thing.

 

Elaine

Itís him. I mean, heís very nice and everything and heís doing wonders with my neck but thereís something weird about him. I donít know what it is. It kinda freaks me out.

 

Jerry

Youíre afraid of him?

 

Elaine

Itís nothing like that. But, whatever it is, Iím not staying with him any longer.

 

Jerry

Youíre gonna break up with him based on a hunch?

 

Elaine

Itís not a hunch. Men have hunches. Women have instincts.

 

Jerry

Like animals.

 

Elaine

(grins)

Funny. Very funny.

 

Jerry

What about your neck?

 

Elaine

What about it? My neck is fine. I donít need his hands anymore.

 

Elaine bites her sandwich.

 

Jerry

You sound very insensitive when you talk like that.

 

Elaine

(mouth full)

I know.

 

Jerry and elaine finish eating and get up.

 

Jerry

Letís go.

 

George

Wait! I havenít finished yet!

 

Jerry takes the sandwich from Georgeís hand and puts it in the trash.

 

Jerry

Now youíre finished. Pay the check, will ya?

 

George gives Jerry a disdainful look before reaching for his wallet and putting a note on the table. He gets up and follows jerry and Elaine.

 

Cut to:

 

 

Int. Jerryís apartment. Night

 

Jerry is watching tv. On a small table next to Jerry stands a once filled glass.

 

Jerry grabs the glass and yells out.

 

Jerry

George! My juice is over!

 

George (O. S.)

Coming!

 

George comes out from the bathroom with a rag on his head.

 

Jerry

George!

 

George

Coming!

 

George goes to the kitchen aND takes a bottle of orange juice from the refrigerator. He then proceeds to refill Jerryís glass. After heís finished he returns the bottle to its original position.

 

George

Will that be all?

 

Jerry

Yes. You can go back to your clearing now.

 

George walks back to the bathroom.

 

Kramer slides in with a strange machine in his hands.

 

Kramer

Well, here it is.

 

Jerry

Well, let me see it.

 

Kramer puts the machine on the table and opens it.

 

Kramer

What díyou think?

 

Jerry

(grabs two pieces of wire)

I think itís broken. Thereís no way youíre gonna listen to the alarm with this thing.

 

Kramer

Thatís the idea.

 

Jerry

But... Oh! Never mind...

 

Kramer

(grabs the box and goes to the door)

Iíll see you tomorrow. Iím gonna try this out.

 

Kramer exits.

 

Cut to:

 

 

Int. Elaineís apartment. Night

 

Elaine and Chris are sitting on the couch. He tries to flirt with her but she backs out.

 

Chris

Whatís the matter?

 

Elaine

Chris, thereís something I need to tell you.

 

Chris

What? Tell me straight. I can handle it.

 

Elaine

Are you sure?

 

CHRIS

Absolutely. It will make things easier.

 

Elaine

Oh! Okay. If thatís what you want. Weíre through. I appreciate very much what you did with my neck but, to tell you the truth, you disturb me.

 

Chris

(holding tears)

So thatís it? I was nothing but a useful resource to erase your pain?

 

Elaine

(puts her hand on Chrisí shoulder)

Chris, I...

 

Chris

(taps her hand away)

No. Stay away from me.

(gets up)

Youíre gonna regret this, Elaine. When you least expect it youíll be the one needing me and then Iíll the be one to say no.

(walks to the door and opens it)

Goodbye, Elaine.

 

Chris exits the apartment.

 

Cut to:

 

 

Int. Kramerís bedroom. Night

 

Kramer is sleeping. We see the new alarm standing on the NIGHT TABLE.

 

The door opens a man with a sky mask comes in and grabs the alarm.

 

He exits the bedroom without making the slightest sound.

 

 

Cut to:

 

 

Int. Motel bedroom. Night

 

Mr. Smith and monica are lying side by side.

 

Monica

Wow! That was so great!

 

Mr. Smith

Iím really glad you liked it.

 

Cut to:

 

 

Int. Infosys. Main hall. Day

 

George walks towards his office. Mr. Smith sees him and walks to him just before george opens the door.

 

Mr. Smith

George!

 

George

(thinking)

Now what?

 

George

Mr. Smith! How are you this morning?

 

Mr. Smith

Sleepy. Something kept me up last night.

(nudges him)

If you know what I mean. I must thank you for that.

 

George

(thinking)

"Oh please..."

 

george

No need to, Mr. Smith. In fact, if you enjoyed it so much, Iím gonna let you keep it.

 

Mr. Smith

George, that wouldnít be fair.

 

George

What wouldnít be fair is you denying me this favor. Youíve been so nice to me, I think you deserve something like this in return.

 

Mr. Smith

I-I donít know what to say. I...

 

George

(puts his hand on mr. Smithís shoulder)

Just promise me this...

 

Mr. Smith

What?

 

George

Promise me you will make her happy.

 

Mr. Smith

I promise.

 

George

Good. Now, if youíll excuse me, I have something requiring my most immediate attention.

 

George opens the door and enters his office.

 

Cut to:

 

 

Int. Monkís. Day

 

Jerry and george are having lunch. Elaine comes in, with a very painful neck, and sits next to jerry.

 

Jerry

Well, it seems that dumping the masseuse wasnít such a wise thing to do after all.

 

Elaine

How could this happen? Itís even worse than before! I think he put a timer on my neck.

 

Jerry

A what?

 

Elaine

A timer. I hadnít thought about it until now but I remember that he would always make the massages at a very specific time.

 

Jerry

Are you listening to what youíre saying? No one puts timers on necks.

 

Elaine

Can you think of something else?

 

Kramer comes in and joins them.

 

Jerry

Did you test your alarm?

 

Kramer

Yeah, I tested it.

 

Jerry

And?

 

Kramer

Someone stole it while I was sleeping.

 

Jerry

(chuckles)

I told you it wouldnít work.

 

Kramer

But it worked, Jerry. It worked just fine. It didnít wake me up.

 

Jerry

Because it wasnít there. And even if it was there, even if it hadnít been stolen, it still wouldnít wake you up.

 

Kramer

Well, one way or the other, I slept like a baby.

 

Elaine

(to kramer)

What are you going to do now?

 

Kramer

I donít know. I think Iím gonna buy a new locker instead.

 

George

Um... Jerry?

 

Jerry

(sharply)

What?

 

George

I need to make a phone call. May I be excused for a few moments?

 

Jerry eyes george intensively. Elaine and kramer watch this awkward moment.

 

Jerry

Whoíre you gonna call?

 

George

My boss. I just remembered something that I must speak to him at once.

 

Jerry

Canít it wait?

 

George

No. Itís very urgent. Please, Jerry.

 

Jerry

Very well. You have sixty seconds. Donít waste them.

 

George gets up and walks to the payphone.

 

Elaine

You told me I was insensitive. Well, what are you then?

 

Kramer

What the hell is going on between you two?

 

Jerry

Just a prank.

 

George returns.

 

George

I need to go now. Mr. Smith is expecting me. Will that be okay with you?

 

Jerry

Thatís gonna cost you something.

 

George

Please, Jerry. Iíll make it up for you later.

 

Jerry

I know you will. Fine. You can go to your appointment.

 

George

Thank you, Jerry!

(shakes Jerryís hand)

Thank you so much!

 

Jerry

Stop that! Youíre annoying me!

 

George

I-Iím sorry! I didnít mean to...!

 

Jerry

Forget it! Just go. Before I change my mind.

 

George

Of course.

 

George leaves.

 

Jerry

(bites his sandwich)

Some people just donít know where their place is.

 

Cut to:

 

 

Ext. street. Day

 

George is waiting at a street corner. Richard shows up and walks towards him.

 

George tries to surpass his urge to get away.

 

George

Richard! Hi! Iím so glad you could make it!

 

Richard

What is all this about?

 

George

I-I...

 

Richard

Hurry! I donít have time to waste.

 

George

Itís about what Jerry told you when he called about your book.

 

Richard

What call? Whatíre you talking about? Jerry never called me.

 

George

You know what? I think Iíve mistaken you for someone else!

(snorts)

How stupid of me! Forget what I said.

(starts to walk away)

It was great to see you though.

 

Richard

(grabs george by the collar)

Not so fast! Youíve mentioned my book. What do you know about my book?

 

George

(gasping for air)

What díyou want to know?

 

Cut to:

 

 

Int. jerryís apartment. Day

 

Jerry and Elaine are watching tv.

 

Jerry

So, he turned off the timer or what?

 

Elaine

Reluctantly, yes. The pain is gone. For now.

 

Jerry

(laughs)

Well, I couldnít be happier for you. Just think. Your own private masseuse. Quite exquisite, if you ask me. Now tell me, he didnít come back easy, did he?

 

Elaine

No. I had to beg him for more than thirty minutes. And then he insisted on us having reconciliation sex.

 

Jerry

That mustíve been so hard.

 

George enters. His hair is in a mess. His clothes are ruined. The fury in his eyes is almost tangible.

 

Elaine

What happened to you?

 

George

I had a talk with our friend Richard a few minutes ago.

 

Jerry

(laughs)

Iím very sorry about this George. I was just kidding around, yíknow? You shouldnít take it so personally.

 

George

You. Made. Me. Beg! I kneeled before you! I cleaned you toilet! Iíve been your maid and financial provider for the past three days and youíre telling that you were just kidding around? That I shouldnít have to take it so personally?!

 

Elaine

Thereís nothing wrong in begging. It did wonders to me.

 

Jerry

At least, now we know something about Richard.

 

George

(more calm)

What is that?

 

Jerry

That nickname you gave him, suits him just fine.

 

George

(sits on the sofa and relaxes)

Tell me about it.

 

Cut to:

 

 

Int. comedy club. Night

 

Jerry is on stage.

 

Jerry

Have you ever noticed the tendency some people have of buying encyclopedias? Theyíre not to read, their sole purpose is... filling shelves. Thatís what theyíre good for. Making some good impression on houseguests. Make them think we actually know whatís in them, besides the cover.

(yawns)

"Yes, as you can see, we like to read a bit. I take these ones to the bathroom. I called them soft-reading."

Some women use encyclopedias like some sort of sexual approach. Itís true. Imagine that youíre man, youíre in a bar and some woman comes over to you and says:

"Pielonefritis can be sharp, under the form of a sudden attack, or inherited, in which repeated or badly treated attacks can cause permanent scars on the kidney."

What can a man say to something like that?

"Your place or mine?"

 

 

 

 

THE END

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