THE BED
(Stand
up intro)
JERRY:
You know those free candies or small assorted chocolates you get with your
check after a meal in a restaurant? Why do they do it? I mean you’ve already
had your first course, second course & dessert, you’re full, so what’s the
point? & even if you’re still hungry, it’s not like you won’t make it till
home… I guess it’s just the restaurant’s way to say “Thank you. Here’s
something on the house”. Now let’s see… I’ve paid for the food, the service,
sitting here with all of these people, & this is what I get for free?
Something I could’ve gotten for less than two bucks in 7/11? Oh yeah, kudos to
you.
Italian
restaurant exterior, then the interior, night
(Jerry,
George, Elaine & Kramer are sitting in a table. Kramer keeps twitching from
time to time)
GEORGE:
Those damn Italians… Caprese! Everything just has to have a pretentious name!
It’s just a bunch of leaves, tomatoes, cheese & oil, & what do they
name it? Caprese! Not tomato salad, not tomato & cheese salad, caprese!
JERRY:
Well at least the restaurant’s name’s not pretentious.
ELAINE
(reads from the menu cover): Il Pastaio… As in, “The Pasta”?
JERRY:
More like as in “We Couldn’t Be Arsed To Be Creative Enough With The
Restaurant’s Name”.
KRAMER:
Did you know that the owner’s not even Italian?
GEORGE:
What is he then?
KRAMER:
Turkish.
JERRY:
& he opened an Italian restaurant because…
KRAMER:
His wife’s Italian. She’s the cook, but he has the sense of business. (Twitches
again)
JERRY:
Whatever happened to you?
(George
& Elaine give him a suspicious look)
JERRY:
As in, today.
KRAMER:
It’s this new bed I bought, Jerry! It’s driving me crazy! I got one of those
reclining beds about a month ago, you know.
JERRY:
So?
KRAMER:
So one day when I try to turn the part where the pillow is down it stays up!
It’s horrible Jerry, horrible! I’ve been sleeping with my head reclined for
almost a week now!
ELAINE:
Why didn’t you call the company then?
KRAMER:
Oh I did. They’re coming tomorrow. Still though.
(The
owner of the restaurant approaches them. He wears white clothes & a white
apron)
OWNER
(with Italian accent): Bon jorno me amichi! Would you like to order?
JERRY:
Oh we’re still looking. (To the other three) Do you want water?
ELAINE:
Yeah I’ll take water.
JERRY:
How about you Kramer?
(Kramer
twitches)
OWNER:
Are you alright, senior?
JERRY:
Yeah he’s always like that. We’ll share the water with him. How about you
George?
GEORGE:
Orange juice for me. But no pulp please!
OWNER:
Pronto. (Leaves)
ELAINE
(to Kramer): Can this guy be any more NOT Italian?
KRAMER:
Oh tell me about it. He likes to pretend he is.
GEORGE:
See this? Pretentious! So full of pretence! & the annoying thing is that
pretentious people have girlfriends & I don’t, so I don’t wanna hear no
more of this “be yourself” bullshit!
JERRY:
Believe me George, after knowing you for so long I really prefer that you’ll
fake it once in a while.
ELAINE:
Wait a minute George, I thought you were dating this Steph girl or whatever?
GEORGE:
Oh yeah. Forgot about that. Thanks for reminding me. We only dated once really,
I should call her.
JERRY:
Where did you find her?
GEORGE:
She’s an old friend of Susan who for some reason always liked me.
ELAINE:
Doesn’t it make you think of Susan when you meet her?
GEORGE:
Yeah, so?
ELAINE:
Doesn’t it make you sad?
GEORGE:
Sad, why? I got used to not getting that house ages ago.
(Jerry
& Elaine give him this look. Kramer just keeps twitching around)
JERRY
(with a semi contemptuous look): You are unbelievable, George.
GEORGE
(smiles): Really, you think?
(The
owner comes back)
OWNER
(Italian accent again): I’d just like to recommend our delicious homemade
Cappucco!
ELAINE:
Cappucco?
OWNER:
Ah yes! Most people mistakenly call it cappuccino, but the right way to say it,
the way we say it in Italy is cappucco!
JERRY
(to himself silently): The way we say it in Italy?
Next
day, Jerry’s building exterior, then Kramer’s apartment interior, noon
(A knock
is heard)
KRAMER:
Come in, it’s open.
(A guy
in a uniform comes in)
GUY:
Hello, I’m from Rest LTD, bed company.
KRAMER:
Yeah well you should really change this name, it’s stupid.
GUY: Why
would you think that?
KRAMER:
Because… You people don’t sell rest, you sell beds! I mean what if I’m
insomniac or something? That’s just plain deceiving! (Stays with his mouth open
for a while after he finishes)
GUY (a
bit curt): Look, is this the reason why you called us?
KRAMER:
(Shakes off of it) Oh no. It’s my bed, it’s stuck. Come with me, I’ll show ya.
The same
time, Monk’s restaurant exterior, then the interior
(George
is in the four’s booth with Steph)
GEORGE:
So the thing is I always wanted to be an architect, but you know… Going to
university for all of these years, the mess, handling it… It’s just not for me.
STEPH
(smiles): I can see your point. I’m exactly like that.
GEORGE
(smiles back): Oh are you?
STEPH:
M-hm. (Sips her coffee) So, do you still think of Susan every once in a while?
GEORGE:
(Fakes a chuckle): Oh me? Are you kidding? All of the time! Only recently I
started dating again. It’s good you called me, you remind me of her a bit.
STEPH
(smiles): Really?
GEORGE:
Yeah! & well, besides that, whenever a girl wants to date me I should
comply, don’t you think?
STEPH:
Why would you think that?
GEORGE:
Because I’m a failure! I have no friends other than this stand up comedian
& his friends, I don’t have a very good job, I’ve even lost my driver’s
licence because of a stupid doctor’s second opinion… Don’t ask.
STEPH:
Well all of this stuff doesn’t make you a failure George. You’re not a failure.
GEORGE:
How can you tell I’m not a failure? You barely know me. It’s our second date.
STEPH: I
can just tell.
GEORGE:
Yeah but how? Have Susan ever told you anything about me?
STEPH:
No, not really… She’s barely even mentioned you when we spoke, & that
wasn’t a lot.
GEORGE
(getting more uptight): Then how can you tell?
STEPH: I
just can, OK?
GEORGE:
(even more uptight): Well please explain, I really think I should know!
STEPH
(keeps her cool): There’s nothing to explain.
GEORGE
(really upset now): What do you mean there’s nothing to explain?! You just tell
me something which was obviously only designed to make me feel better, &
then when you can’t cover it up you refuse to explain?! Where’s that honesty
crap women look for in a relationship?!
STEPH
(tries to keep her cool but is getting upset as well): Look just forget it, OK?
GEORGE
(still upset): How can I forget something you just said?!?!?!?!?!?
STEPH:
Look this is stupid, I’m leaving. (Gets up)
GEORGE:
Oh no you won’t leave!!!!!!! You stay right here & explain it to me!!!! I
deserve to know!!!!!!!! (Attempts to block her way)
STEPH:
You don’t deserve anything right now George. Now let me go. (Pushes him away
& leaves)
GEORGE
(screams towards the door): OH I’M NOT DONE WITH YOU, STEPHANIE, I’M NOT DONE
WITH YOU!
(Everybody
at Monk’s just stares at him)
GEORGE:
WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
Still
noon, Jerry’s building exterior, then his apartment
(Jerry
stands in the kitchen. Kramer bursts in the door)
KRAMER:
Jerry, I need a mop.
JERRY:
Don’t you even have mops in there?!
KRAMER
(thinks for a few seconds): Well I guess I do have them, but it’s more
convenient that way.
JERRY:
Whatever. (Gives him the mop that’s on the marble) What do you need a mop for
anyway?
KRAMER:
Turns out the bed’s piston’s leaking. Me & the bed guy need to clean up the
oil.
JERRY:
Oil?! Hey wait a second Kramer, I use this mop for the kitchen!
KRAMER:
Too late. (Leaves)
JERRY:
But… (Stays with his mouth open, then makes a fist & grits his teeth)
JERRY:
Kramer! (Said in the same way he says “Newman!”)
(Kramer
bursts in the door again)
KRAMER:
Hey Jerry, do you have another mop?
(Jerry
looks annoyed & is about to speak but Kramer sees where this will lead)
KRAMER:
Well I’m off then.
Still
noon. Elaine is walking down the NYC street, drinking cappuccino. Suddenly she
bumps into someone & spills her cappuccino on him.
ELAINE:
Oh I’m sorry, let me clean this… (Elaine suddenly notices that the someone is
in fact the Italian restaurant owner)
OWNER
(Italian accent still): Oh don’t worry about it, I remember you! You were
having dinner in my restaurant the other night! Guess you just can’t have
enough cappucco, huh? (Looks on his now stained shirt & smiles)
ELAINE
(fakes slight laughter): Guess not.
OWNER:
Hey why won’t you come over with your friends tonight again? We have a new
scalipone limone dish! Very good!
ELAINE
(fakes a smile): Maybe.
OWNER
(gives her a card): You give this to the waiter & you get a 25% discount
off two dishes!
ELAINE
(still fakes a smile): OK.
The
Italian restaurant exterior, then the interior, same day’s night
(Jerry,
George, Elaine & Kramer are sitting in another table)
JERRY:
So why are we here again?
ELAINE:
I was just so unpleasant with spilling my coffee over him! Plus he gave us
discount.
GEORGE
(angrily): Unpleasant! Unpleasant! That’s the sole reason why people do things
they hate to do & don’t have to! Unpleasant!
KRAMER:
Hey I find this place pretty pleasant George.
JERRY:
He’s probably talking about something else.
GEORGE
(angrily still): He?! What do you mean he?! I’m right here! Why are you
speaking obliquely about me?!
JERRY:
Now YOU’RE being unpleasant (grins).
ELAINE:
Isn’t he always (grins back).
GEORGE:
Oh enough of this! I’m pissed as it is!
JERRY:
It’s Steph right?
GEORGE
(a bit surprised): How did you know?
JERRY:
Oh, I just figured you wouldn’t be able to handle an old friend of Susan’s for
too long (grins).
GEORGE:
Oh shut up Jerry, it’s not like that at all.
JERRY
(grins): What is it like then?
GEORGE:
She said I’m not a failure & wouldn’t explain why!
ELAINE
(opens her mouth in like, half a laugh, half surprise, you know the deal): I
beg your pardon?!
GEORGE:
Yeah that’s right! She thinks she’ll fool me, well the hell with her!
ELAINE:
Aren’t you happy that someone doesn’t think you’re a failure? I thought it was
supposed to boost your low self esteem.
GEORGE:
But she wouldn’t explain why! She just went “There’s nothing to explain”, I
hate it when girls do it! (Takes a sip from his orange juice) Now there’s pulp
in the juice again, even though I specifically told them no pulp! It’s the
second time they do it! I’m gonna ask for another juice.
ELAINE:
Oh just give it up George, that’s the only orange juice they serve here.
GEORGE
(angrily): Give it up?! Then what, stick to a juice I don’t like just because
it’d be “unpleasant” (makes inverted commas gesture) to tell them?!
JERRY:
You’re right George. You are a failure.
GEORGE:
Damn straight I am!
KRAMER:
(stretches) Yep.
JERRY
(to Kramer): So I take it that your bed is fixed now.
KRAMER:
Oh yeah, the guy even took the piston off.
ELAINE:
Took it off?
KRAMER:
Well yeah, you didn’t expect me to just leave it there to leak oil did you?
JERRY:
Couldn’t you ask him to replace it with another piston?
KRAMER:
& then what? Wait for it to leak again & call that guy again, the whole
thing again? Oh I don’t think so Jerry. It might not leak today, it might not
leak tomorrow, but it will resume leaking eventually. It’s sod’s law. (Lowers
his voice towards the end & stays with his mouth open for a while)
JERRY:
So now you basically have a regular bed?
KRAMER:
Well, yeah…
JERRY:
That you paid more than the price of a regular bed for?
KRAMER:
Well, yeah… (Finally realises) whoops.
(A forty
something year old woman approaches them with a plate of desserts)
WOMAN:
Would you like to have a dessert? We have delicious homemade cakes &
cookies, traditional Italian style!
ELAINE:
Yeah I’ll take this one (points at a piece of cake).
WOMAN:
There you go! (Gives it to her) What about you guys?
(The
other three make cancellation gestures)
WOMAN:
OK then. (Smiles & leaves)
GEORGE
(talks lowly so the woman won’t be able to hear him, to Kramer): Was that the
owner’s wife?
KRAMER:
Oh yeah.
GEORGE:
But she didn’t have Italian accent at all!
KRAMER:
Tell me about it.
JERRY:
Hey Elaine how’s your cake?
ELAINE:
Not too good actually… Not to my liking anyway.
JERRY:
Well tell the wife, she’ll replace it for you.
ELAINE:
No thanks… It left a bad taste in my mouth.
GEORGE
(angrily): Oh let me get this straight, replacing a cake is fine but replacing
juice isn’t?!
JERRY:
It’s different.
GEORGE:
Different how?
JERRY:
It just is.
GEORGE:
Please explain.
JERRY:
There’s nothing to explain George (grins).
GEORGE
(angrily): Oh the hell with you!
(The
woman passes by their table)
ELAINE:
Hey excuse me, Miss?
WOMAN
(turns to her): Yes?
ELAINE
(tries to smile): Could you please take this cake? I don’t like it.
WOMAN:
Why not?
ELAINE
(really attempts to hold her smile): I just don’t, sorry.
WOMAN:
But it’s an excellent cake! It’s delicious!
ELAINE
(obviously faking the smile, as in grits her teeth really hard): Well I just
don’t like it, I’m sorry… Could you please take it?
WOMAN (arrogantly):
You are the first person I’ve ever met who doesn’t like this cake. (Takes the
cake & leaves)
ELAINE:
What’s with her?
GEORGE:
Told ya… Pretence (bites his lips)
The next
day, Kramer’s apartment, afternoon
(Kramer
takes a book & lies on his bed with a cigar in his mouth. He starts reading
then he attempts to reach the side of his bed with his hand, but something’s
missing. Kramer opens his mouth in shock)
Still
afternoon, Monk’s exterior, then the interior
(George
just sits there drinking coffee & staring at the door. Steph enters the
restaurant, but notices him & tries to leave. George approaches her)
GEORGE:
Hello there.
STEPH
(reluctantly): Oh hi George.
GEORGE:
I believe you still owe me an explanation.
STEPH
(looks at him with contempt): I owe you nothing George.
GEORGE
(angrily): Oh yes you do! You think you could just walk away with this, right?
Come back here & pretend nothing’s ever happened? Well not with me!
STEPH
(still contemptuous): Go to hell George.
GEORGE:
Oh I’ll go there! I’ve been to hell & back, baby! You better explain or
else… (Stops)
STEPH:
Or else what?
GEORGE:
Or else I’ll stop dating you.
STEPH
(smiling sardonically): Oh yeah, we’re dating right now. A-ha. What a nice
observation. Bye bye. (Leaves)
GEORGE:
Oh you… (Intends to follow her but a waitress approaches him)
WAITRESS:
Excuse me sir, are you paying for that coffee?
GEORGE
(bemused): Oh, yeah, yeah… (Looks for his wallet)
Jerry’s
building exterior, then his apartment, the next morning
(Jerry
is standing in the kitchen talking to George who is sitting by the table)
GEORGE:
…& then she just left, Jerry! Left without an explanation! Now I’m single
again.
JERRY:
Look, do you really care about Steph?
GEORGE:
Define care.
JERRY:
(Cancellation hand gesture) Ah forget it, I’ll simplify it for ya – How much do
you need a girlfriend right now?
GEORGE:
The same amount I need a girlfriend all of the time – A lot! (In a whinier
tone) Don’t you see, Jerry? When you have a girlfriend you don’t need anything
else! It’s like a friend, a sex partner, a mother figure all in one! It’s like
that smart, multi purpose remote control or something!
JERRY:
Well then, apologise.
GEORGE:
Apologise? To Steph?
JERRY:
Obviously.
GEORGE:
But wouldn’t that be giving in?
JERRY:
Let me take you back a minute in time George – How much do you need a
girlfriend right now?
GEORGE
(reluctantly): Oh alright, alright. I’ll do it.
(Kramer
bursts in the door)
KRAMER:
Jerry, this is awful! Awful I’m telling ya! I was trying to read yesterday but
couldn’t! Turns out I’m too used to having my head a little upwards!
JERRY
(rather impatiently): Just call the company again then.
KRAMER:
I tried to, Jerry! They said they wouldn’t come because I already chose to have
the piston removed!
(The
intercom buzz is heard)
JERRY
(to intercom): Who is this?
ELAINE
(on intercom): It’s me.
JERRY:
Come on up (buzzes her in).
GEORGE
(to Kramer): Can’t you install another piston yourself?
(Kramer
just stares at him for a few seconds)
KRAMER:
Well I suppose… I’ll go check if Newman has one (clicks his tongue &
leaves. Elaine comes in as he gets out)
ELAINE
(to George): I thought you’re supposed to be at work.
GEORGE:
Likewise.
ELAINE:
Oh I’m just here to take my coat; I forgot it in the stupid restaurant &
Jerry brought it here.
JERRY:
It’s coming up (goes to his bedroom to bring her coat)
ELAINE
(to George): So what about you then?
GEORGE:
Kruger doesn’t mind it if I miss a day or two.
ELAINE:
I see (puckers upper lip). So how’s it going with Steph then? (Coyly)
GEORGE:
(Annoyed) Oh leave me alone.
(Jerry
comes back with Elaine’s coat)
JERRY:
There ya go (gives her the coat). So are you planning another visit to Il
Pastaio tonight? (Grins)
ELAINE:
Absolutely not! It’s exasperating enough to have to stand her & her
husband’s accusing looks as it is.
JERRY:
Huh?
ELAINE:
Haven’t you noticed that the restaurant is right in front of Peterman’s
building?
JERRY:
Guess not. Guess I have nyctalopia or something.
ELAINE:
Huh?
JERRY:
Night blindness. Oh wait a minute, I forgot you’re an eccedentesiast. (Grins)
ELAINE:
Oh shush! (Pushes him) Anyway, every time I get out of my car to get into
Peterman’s building I can just feel them looking at me! It’s insane.
GEORGE:
Well I’m off, better take the pill.
ELAINE:
A new stage in therapy?
GEORGE:
Nah, calling Steph. See ya guys. (Leaves)
ELAINE:
Nothing to explain, huh?
JERRY
(barely holding a straight face): Yeah.
George’s
apartment, night
(George
picks up the phone & dials a number. Steph answers him. You can see them
both separated by a line, as in a telephone conversation)
STEPH:
Hello.
GEORGE:
Hey Steph, it’s me George.
STEPH
(very reluctantly): Oh hi.
GEORGE:
Listen, I just wanted to apologise to you. Really, I was being petty over absolutely
nothing. You don’t have to explain anything; it’s all right. I just want us
back together.
STEPH:
Well I’m afraid that’s not enough George. I need a compensation.
GEORGE
(faking cheer): Well, of course! Anything you want!
STEPH:
Oh it’s nothing really, I just want you to invite me to lunch tomorrow.
GEORGE
(rather relieved): Well sure! Why not? Your pick.
STEPH:
Well there’s this nice Italian restaurant I know, Il Pastaio. Cool name huh?
GEORGE:
Oh no, please not there again… I’ve been eating there with my friends for two
nights in a row!
STEPH:
Well then George, I guess it’s goodbye for us.
GEORGE:
No no wait! Wait! I’ll do it (reluctantly).
STEPH
(cool): Thank you. Meet me there at 14:00 tomorrow. Night. (Hangs up)
Next
morning, Peterman building exterior, then Peterman’s office
(Peterman
is sitting by his desk. A knock is heard)
PETERMAN:
Come in Elaine.
(Elaine
comes in, smilingly meekly)
PETERMAN:
Sit down, Elaine.
(Elaine
does so)
PETERMAN:
Elaine, a couple of nights ago I was having a night shift. You must know I’m a
very busy person.
ELAINE
(smiles meekly): Yes, mister Peterman.
PETERMAN:
Well, as I finished my work & went to the parking lot to leave, I noticed a
familiar face in the restaurant in front of us (smiles slightly).
ELAINE:
Oh no mister Peterman, I was just having…
PETERMAN
(doesn’t let her finish): Relax, Elaine! I’m all for hedonism! Do you go there
often?
ELAINE:
Well I was there a couple of times but…
PETERMAN
(doesn’t let her finish again): Good! Because I’ve heard that they have a
delicious strawberry cake & I want you to bring me a slice from over there.
I must try it.
ELAINE:
But mister Peterman, why me?
PETERMAN:
Well you’re my personal assistant, aren’t you?
ELAINE:
Yes but…
PETERMAN
(doesn’t let her finish): See? I want to have a piece of the cake here on my
desk by 13:00 today.
ELAINE:
But mister Peterman…
PETERMAN
(doesn’t let her finish): Now leave. I’m very busy today. The catalogue caption
writers are being very unromantic lately.
(Elaine
sighs & leaves his office)
The same
time, Jerry’s apartment
(Kramer
bursts in the door)
KRAMER:
Hey Jerry, I need you to do me a favour.
JERRY
(sardonically): Oh you mean, as opposed to consuming all of my food, borrowing
things without returning them, & making yourself overall too at home in my
place?
KRAMER:
Jerry, this is serious! Newman doesn’t have a piston!
JERRY
(sardonically): How surprising.
KRAMER:
So what I want you to do is to go to that new Home Centre store on 57th
street & buy me a new piston, a new handle & some oil.
JERRY:
Forget it!
KRAMER:
Oh come on Jerry, I have to read comfortably! (Hands him money)
JERRY:
Oh wait a second… You’re actually using your own money?
KRAMER:
Well yeah! What money did you expect me to use Jerry?
JERRY:
This I gotta see (grins).
(The
phone rings)
JERRY
(picks it up): Hello.
(It’s
Elaine. The scene changes between her office & Jerry’s flat)
ELAINE:
Jerry, you’ve gotta help me! Peterman wants me to buy him this strawberry cake
I can’t stand from the Turk!
JERRY:
& naturally, you’re asking ME to buy it.
ELAINE:
Oh please Jerry! I can’t look the woman in the face!
JERRY
(reluctantly): Oh fine. I have to go buy stuff for Kramer anyway. Since when
have I become the errands guy?
ELAINE:
Oh thank you thank you thank you Jerry! I owe you one.
JERRY
(cynically): So it means you might wanna “save the friendship” with me tonight?
ELAINE
(coyly): It depends.
About
half an hour later, Peterman building exterior, then Elaine’s office
(Jerry
comes in with a bag in his hands)
JERRY:
There ya go (takes a slice of strawberry cake out of the bag, wrapped in nylon)
ELAINE:
What else do you have here?
JERRY: A
piston, a handle & oil.
ELAINE:
What for?
JERRY:
Ask Kramer. I have to go back & give him this.
ELAINE:
If you say so.
JERRY:
Hey, you could at least thank me! I had to pretend I’m a new costumer in front
of the Turk!
ELAINE:
& he actually bought it?
JERRY:
It depends. Look I really have to go, but you can thank me later tonight
(grins).
ELAINE:
Oh Jerry… (Grins back) Are you serious?
JERRY:
Nah, but you know what they say – War – What Is It Good For? (Grins &
leaves)
(Elaine
goes to Peterman’s office to give him the cake. She knocks on the door)
PETERMAN:
Come in.
(Elaine
comes in)
ELAINE:
There you go, mister Peterman… (Finally realises) Oh drat! I forgot to ask him
to bring cutlery!
PETERMAN
(suspecting): Ask who?
ELAINE
(smiles meekly): Oh, nothing, nothing… It’s just a form of speech.
PETERMAN
(smiles): Don’t worry about it Elaine, I keep silverware here just in case.
(Smells around) Wait a minute… This cake… It smells of oil!
ELAINE:
(Realises that she will get caught if she tells Peterman the truth) Well I
should’ve warned you mister Peterman, I didn’t like this cake at all.
PETERMAN:
Well why didn’t you tell me then?
ELAINE:
You never let me finish my sentences (uncomfortable).
PETERMAN:
Well this is atrocious, Elaine! Just atrocious! I am going there right now
& complain!
Il
Pastaio exterior, same hour
(George
& Steph are sitting in a table close to the counter. Steph is having the
infamous strawberry juice & George has a glass of apple juice in front of
him)
GEORGE:
I’m gonna ask them to replace this apple juice.
STEPH:
Why?
GEORGE:
Well it tastes like an apple!
STEPH:
But it is apple juice.
GEORGE:
Yes but you don’t understand, it tastes like an apple! A live apple! I want it
to taste like apple JUICE!
(Peterman
comes in)
PETERMAN:
OK, who is in charge here?
(The
owner’s wife is behind the counter)
WIFE: I
am, why?
PETERMAN:
I would like to complain about your atrocious strawberry cake! It smells like
oil!
WIFE:
Our cakes are excellent! What you say here is impossible! (Stops) Hey wait a
second, there was this other complaint the other day…
PETERMAN:
You see? I bet it was Elaine Benes, my employee! You think you have a right to
sell people substandard food?!
WIFE
(confused): I’ll go ask my husband (leaves to the kitchen).
(Steph
looks pretty annoyed)
STEPH
(to Peterman): Excuse me sir, but I am eating this cake right now & there’s
nothing wrong with it. Could you please stop making false accusations? I’m sure
you’re mistaken about your cake.
PETERMAN:
How can you be so sure?
STEPH:
Oh I just can, believe me.
PETERMAN
(a bit annoyed): But how?
STEPH
(keeps her cool): Because I can.
PETERMAN:
(Annoyed) Do you have any idea who you’re talking to?!
STEPH
(still cool): Why should I care.
PETERMAN:
You are the most sassy, smug, & overly self assured girl I’ve ever met!
(Stops for a minute, then gives her a card) Jacopo Peterman, clothes designer.
A week
later, noon, Monk’s
(Jerry,
George & Elaine are sitting in their booth)
JERRY:
So Steph works for Peterman now huh?
ELAINE:
Yuck! Tell me about it. She’s the most obnoxious person I’ve ever met. Won’t
explain anything she does, & all of her ideas are stupid.
JERRY:
Well at least Peterman likes her.
GEORGE:
Yeah, & she also broke up with me.
ELAINE:
Why?
GEORGE:
Because she said she’s going to be too busy with her new job.
JERRY:
It makes sense.
GEORGE:
Nah, I think it’s because of me.
ELAINE:
Didn’t you ask her?
GEORGE:
Nah, she wouldn’t have explained.
JERRY:
Why not?
ELAINE:
Because. (Grins)
GEORGE:
Hey you know what, we can go out tonight.
ELAINE:
Don’t think of Il Pastaio then. They’re out of business.
JERRY
(smiles): Oily cake?
ELAINE
(smiles back): Oily cake. (Puckers her lip)
JERRY:
Well at least Kramer got the piston back on his bed.
ELAINE:
You don’t say.
GEORGE
(quite annoyed): Yeah that Kramer, always gets what he wants.
Jerry’s
building exterior, then Kramer’s apartment, night
(Kramer
is reading a book with the pillow part of the bed reclined up & a cigar in
his mouth. He finally closes the book, puts the cigar down, then pushes the
handle. Nothing happens. He pushes it a few more times. Nothing. Kramer opens
his mouth in awe)
THE
END