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The Bed

THE BED

 

(Stand up intro)

 

JERRY: You know those free candies or small assorted chocolates you get with your check after a meal in a restaurant? Why do they do it? I mean youíve already had your first course, second course & dessert, youíre full, so whatís the point? & even if youíre still hungry, itís not like you wonít make it till homeÖ I guess itís just the restaurantís way to say ďThank you. Hereís something on the houseĒ. Now letís seeÖ Iíve paid for the food, the service, sitting here with all of these people, & this is what I get for free? Something I couldíve gotten for less than two bucks in 7/11? Oh yeah, kudos to you.

 

Italian restaurant exterior, then the interior, night

 

(Jerry, George, Elaine & Kramer are sitting in a table. Kramer keeps twitching from time to time)

 

GEORGE: Those damn ItaliansÖ Caprese! Everything just has to have a pretentious name! Itís just a bunch of leaves, tomatoes, cheese & oil, & what do they name it? Caprese! Not tomato salad, not tomato & cheese salad, caprese!

 

JERRY: Well at least the restaurantís nameís not pretentious.

 

ELAINE (reads from the menu cover): Il PastaioÖ As in, ďThe PastaĒ?

 

JERRY: More like as in ďWe Couldnít Be Arsed To Be Creative Enough With The Restaurantís NameĒ.

 

KRAMER: Did you know that the ownerís not even Italian?

 

GEORGE: What is he then?

 

KRAMER: Turkish.

 

JERRY: & he opened an Italian restaurant becauseÖ

 

KRAMER: His wifeís Italian. Sheís the cook, but he has the sense of business. (Twitches again)

 

JERRY: Whatever happened to you?

 

(George & Elaine give him a suspicious look)

 

JERRY: As in, today.

 

KRAMER: Itís this new bed I bought, Jerry! Itís driving me crazy! I got one of those reclining beds about a month ago, you know.

 

JERRY: So?

 

KRAMER: So one day when I try to turn the part where the pillow is down it stays up! Itís horrible Jerry, horrible! Iíve been sleeping with my head reclined for almost a week now!

 

ELAINE: Why didnít you call the company then?

 

KRAMER: Oh I did. Theyíre coming tomorrow. Still though.

 

(The owner of the restaurant approaches them. He wears white clothes & a white apron)

 

OWNER (with Italian accent): Bon jorno me amichi! Would you like to order?

 

JERRY: Oh weíre still looking. (To the other three) Do you want water?

 

ELAINE: Yeah Iíll take water.

 

JERRY: How about you Kramer?

 

(Kramer twitches)

 

OWNER: Are you alright, senior?

 

JERRY: Yeah heís always like that. Weíll share the water with him. How about you George?

 

GEORGE: Orange juice for me. But no pulp please!

 

OWNER: Pronto. (Leaves)

 

ELAINE (to Kramer): Can this guy be any more NOT Italian?

 

KRAMER: Oh tell me about it. He likes to pretend he is.

 

GEORGE: See this? Pretentious! So full of pretence! & the annoying thing is that pretentious people have girlfriends & I donít, so I donít wanna hear no more of this ďbe yourselfĒ bullshit!

 

JERRY: Believe me George, after knowing you for so long I really prefer that youíll fake it once in a while.

 

ELAINE: Wait a minute George, I thought you were dating this Steph girl or whatever?

 

GEORGE: Oh yeah. Forgot about that. Thanks for reminding me. We only dated once really, I should call her.

 

JERRY: Where did you find her?

 

GEORGE: Sheís an old friend of Susan who for some reason always liked me.

 

ELAINE: Doesnít it make you think of Susan when you meet her?

 

GEORGE: Yeah, so?

 

ELAINE: Doesnít it make you sad?

 

GEORGE: Sad, why? I got used to not getting that house ages ago.

 

(Jerry & Elaine give him this look. Kramer just keeps twitching around)

 

JERRY (with a semi contemptuous look): You are unbelievable, George.

 

GEORGE (smiles): Really, you think?

 

(The owner comes back)

 

OWNER (Italian accent again): Iíd just like to recommend our delicious homemade Cappucco!

 

ELAINE: Cappucco?

 

OWNER: Ah yes! Most people mistakenly call it cappuccino, but the right way to say it, the way we say it in Italy is cappucco!

 

JERRY (to himself silently): The way we say it in Italy?

 

Next day, Jerryís building exterior, then Kramerís apartment interior, noon

 

(A knock is heard)

 

KRAMER: Come in, itís open.

 

(A guy in a uniform comes in)

 

GUY: Hello, Iím from Rest LTD, bed company.

 

KRAMER: Yeah well you should really change this name, itís stupid.

 

GUY: Why would you think that?

 

KRAMER: BecauseÖ You people donít sell rest, you sell beds! I mean what if Iím insomniac or something? Thatís just plain deceiving! (Stays with his mouth open for a while after he finishes)

 

GUY (a bit curt): Look, is this the reason why you called us?

 

KRAMER: (Shakes off of it) Oh no. Itís my bed, itís stuck. Come with me, Iíll show ya.

 

The same time, Monkís restaurant exterior, then the interior

 

(George is in the fourís booth with Steph)

 

GEORGE: So the thing is I always wanted to be an architect, but you knowÖ Going to university for all of these years, the mess, handling itÖ Itís just not for me.

 

STEPH (smiles): I can see your point. Iím exactly like that.

 

GEORGE (smiles back): Oh are you?

 

STEPH: M-hm. (Sips her coffee) So, do you still think of Susan every once in a while?

 

GEORGE: (Fakes a chuckle): Oh me? Are you kidding? All of the time! Only recently I started dating again. Itís good you called me, you remind me of her a bit.

 

STEPH (smiles): Really?

 

GEORGE: Yeah! & well, besides that, whenever a girl wants to date me I should comply, donít you think?

 

STEPH: Why would you think that?

 

GEORGE: Because Iím a failure! I have no friends other than this stand up comedian & his friends, I donít have a very good job, Iíve even lost my driverís licence because of a stupid doctorís second opinionÖ Donít ask.

 

STEPH: Well all of this stuff doesnít make you a failure George. Youíre not a failure.

 

GEORGE: How can you tell Iím not a failure? You barely know me. Itís our second date.

 

STEPH: I can just tell.

 

GEORGE: Yeah but how? Have Susan ever told you anything about me?

 

STEPH: No, not reallyÖ Sheís barely even mentioned you when we spoke, & that wasnít a lot.

 

GEORGE (getting more uptight): Then how can you tell?

 

STEPH: I just can, OK?

 

GEORGE: (even more uptight): Well please explain, I really think I should know!

 

STEPH (keeps her cool): Thereís nothing to explain.

 

GEORGE (really upset now): What do you mean thereís nothing to explain?! You just tell me something which was obviously only designed to make me feel better, & then when you canít cover it up you refuse to explain?! Whereís that honesty crap women look for in a relationship?!

 

STEPH (tries to keep her cool but is getting upset as well): Look just forget it, OK?

 

GEORGE (still upset): How can I forget something you just said?!?!?!?!?!?

 

STEPH: Look this is stupid, Iím leaving. (Gets up)

 

GEORGE: Oh no you wonít leave!!!!!!! You stay right here & explain it to me!!!! I deserve to know!!!!!!!! (Attempts to block her way)

 

STEPH: You donít deserve anything right now George. Now let me go. (Pushes him away & leaves)

 

GEORGE (screams towards the door): OH IíM NOT DONE WITH YOU, STEPHANIE, IíM NOT DONE WITH YOU!

 

(Everybody at Monkís just stares at him)

 

GEORGE: WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

 

Still noon, Jerryís building exterior, then his apartment

 

(Jerry stands in the kitchen. Kramer bursts in the door)

 

KRAMER: Jerry, I need a mop.

 

JERRY: Donít you even have mops in there?!

 

KRAMER (thinks for a few seconds): Well I guess I do have them, but itís more convenient that way.

 

JERRY: Whatever. (Gives him the mop thatís on the marble) What do you need a mop for anyway?

 

KRAMER: Turns out the bedís pistonís leaking. Me & the bed guy need to clean up the oil.

 

JERRY: Oil?! Hey wait a second Kramer, I use this mop for the kitchen!

 

KRAMER: Too late. (Leaves)

 

JERRY: ButÖ (Stays with his mouth open, then makes a fist & grits his teeth)

 

JERRY: Kramer! (Said in the same way he says ďNewman!Ē)

 

(Kramer bursts in the door again)

 

KRAMER: Hey Jerry, do you have another mop?

 

(Jerry looks annoyed & is about to speak but Kramer sees where this will lead)

 

KRAMER: Well Iím off then.

 

Still noon. Elaine is walking down the NYC street, drinking cappuccino. Suddenly she bumps into someone & spills her cappuccino on him.

 

ELAINE: Oh Iím sorry, let me clean thisÖ (Elaine suddenly notices that the someone is in fact the Italian restaurant owner)

 

OWNER (Italian accent still): Oh donít worry about it, I remember you! You were having dinner in my restaurant the other night! Guess you just canít have enough cappucco, huh? (Looks on his now stained shirt & smiles)

 

ELAINE (fakes slight laughter): Guess not.

 

OWNER: Hey why wonít you come over with your friends tonight again? We have a new scalipone limone dish! Very good!

 

ELAINE (fakes a smile): Maybe.

 

OWNER (gives her a card): You give this to the waiter & you get a 25% discount off two dishes!

 

ELAINE (still fakes a smile): OK.

 

The Italian restaurant exterior, then the interior, same dayís night

 

(Jerry, George, Elaine & Kramer are sitting in another table)

 

JERRY: So why are we here again?

 

ELAINE: I was just so unpleasant with spilling my coffee over him! Plus he gave us discount.

 

GEORGE (angrily): Unpleasant! Unpleasant! Thatís the sole reason why people do things they hate to do & donít have to! Unpleasant!

 

KRAMER: Hey I find this place pretty pleasant George.

 

JERRY: Heís probably talking about something else.

 

GEORGE (angrily still): He?! What do you mean he?! Iím right here! Why are you speaking obliquely about me?!

 

JERRY: Now YOUíRE being unpleasant (grins).

 

ELAINE: Isnít he always (grins back).

 

GEORGE: Oh enough of this! Iím pissed as it is!

 

JERRY: Itís Steph right?

 

GEORGE (a bit surprised): How did you know?

 

JERRY: Oh, I just figured you wouldnít be able to handle an old friend of Susanís for too long (grins).

 

GEORGE: Oh shut up Jerry, itís not like that at all.

 

JERRY (grins): What is it like then?

 

GEORGE: She said Iím not a failure & wouldnít explain why!

 

ELAINE (opens her mouth in like, half a laugh, half surprise, you know the deal): I beg your pardon?!

 

GEORGE: Yeah thatís right! She thinks sheíll fool me, well the hell with her!

 

ELAINE: Arenít you happy that someone doesnít think youíre a failure? I thought it was supposed to boost your low self esteem.

 

GEORGE: But she wouldnít explain why! She just went ďThereís nothing to explainĒ, I hate it when girls do it! (Takes a sip from his orange juice) Now thereís pulp in the juice again, even though I specifically told them no pulp! Itís the second time they do it! Iím gonna ask for another juice.

 

ELAINE: Oh just give it up George, thatís the only orange juice they serve here.

 

GEORGE (angrily): Give it up?! Then what, stick to a juice I donít like just because itíd be ďunpleasantĒ (makes inverted commas gesture) to tell them?!

 

JERRY: Youíre right George. You are a failure.

 

GEORGE: Damn straight I am!

 

KRAMER: (stretches) Yep.

 

JERRY (to Kramer): So I take it that your bed is fixed now.

 

KRAMER: Oh yeah, the guy even took the piston off.

 

ELAINE: Took it off?

 

KRAMER: Well yeah, you didnít expect me to just leave it there to leak oil did you?

 

JERRY: Couldnít you ask him to replace it with another piston?

 

KRAMER: & then what? Wait for it to leak again & call that guy again, the whole thing again? Oh I donít think so Jerry. It might not leak today, it might not leak tomorrow, but it will resume leaking eventually. Itís sodís law. (Lowers his voice towards the end & stays with his mouth open for a while)

 

JERRY: So now you basically have a regular bed?

 

KRAMER: Well, yeahÖ

 

JERRY: That you paid more than the price of a regular bed for?

 

KRAMER: Well, yeahÖ (Finally realises) whoops.

 

(A forty something year old woman approaches them with a plate of desserts)

 

WOMAN: Would you like to have a dessert? We have delicious homemade cakes & cookies, traditional Italian style!

 

ELAINE: Yeah Iíll take this one (points at a piece of cake).

 

WOMAN: There you go! (Gives it to her) What about you guys?

 

(The other three make cancellation gestures)

 

WOMAN: OK then. (Smiles & leaves)

 

GEORGE (talks lowly so the woman wonít be able to hear him, to Kramer): Was that the ownerís wife?

 

KRAMER: Oh yeah.

 

GEORGE: But she didnít have Italian accent at all!

 

KRAMER: Tell me about it.

 

JERRY: Hey Elaine howís your cake?

 

ELAINE: Not too good actuallyÖ Not to my liking anyway.

 

JERRY: Well tell the wife, sheíll replace it for you.

 

ELAINE: No thanksÖ It left a bad taste in my mouth.

 

GEORGE (angrily): Oh let me get this straight, replacing a cake is fine but replacing juice isnít?!

 

JERRY: Itís different.

 

GEORGE: Different how?

 

JERRY: It just is.

 

GEORGE: Please explain.

 

JERRY: Thereís nothing to explain George (grins).

 

GEORGE (angrily): Oh the hell with you!

 

(The woman passes by their table)

 

ELAINE: Hey excuse me, Miss?

 

WOMAN (turns to her): Yes?

 

ELAINE (tries to smile): Could you please take this cake? I donít like it.

 

WOMAN: Why not?

 

ELAINE (really attempts to hold her smile): I just donít, sorry.

 

WOMAN: But itís an excellent cake! Itís delicious!

 

ELAINE (obviously faking the smile, as in grits her teeth really hard): Well I just donít like it, Iím sorryÖ Could you please take it?

 

WOMAN (arrogantly): You are the first person Iíve ever met who doesnít like this cake. (Takes the cake & leaves)

 

ELAINE: Whatís with her?

 

GEORGE: Told yaÖ Pretence (bites his lips)

 

The next day, Kramerís apartment, afternoon

 

(Kramer takes a book & lies on his bed with a cigar in his mouth. He starts reading then he attempts to reach the side of his bed with his hand, but somethingís missing. Kramer opens his mouth in shock)

 

Still afternoon, Monkís exterior, then the interior

 

(George just sits there drinking coffee & staring at the door. Steph enters the restaurant, but notices him & tries to leave. George approaches her)

 

GEORGE: Hello there.

 

STEPH (reluctantly): Oh hi George.

 

GEORGE: I believe you still owe me an explanation.

 

STEPH (looks at him with contempt): I owe you nothing George.

 

GEORGE (angrily): Oh yes you do! You think you could just walk away with this, right? Come back here & pretend nothingís ever happened? Well not with me!

 

STEPH (still contemptuous): Go to hell George.

 

GEORGE: Oh Iíll go there! Iíve been to hell & back, baby! You better explain or elseÖ (Stops)

 

STEPH: Or else what?

 

GEORGE: Or else Iíll stop dating you.

 

STEPH (smiling sardonically): Oh yeah, weíre dating right now. A-ha. What a nice observation. Bye bye. (Leaves)

 

GEORGE: Oh youÖ (Intends to follow her but a waitress approaches him)

 

WAITRESS: Excuse me sir, are you paying for that coffee?

 

GEORGE (bemused): Oh, yeah, yeahÖ (Looks for his wallet)

 

Jerryís building exterior, then his apartment, the next morning

 

(Jerry is standing in the kitchen talking to George who is sitting by the table)

 

GEORGE: Ö& then she just left, Jerry! Left without an explanation! Now Iím single again.

 

JERRY: Look, do you really care about Steph?

 

GEORGE: Define care.

 

JERRY: (Cancellation hand gesture) Ah forget it, Iíll simplify it for ya Ė How much do you need a girlfriend right now?

 

GEORGE: The same amount I need a girlfriend all of the time Ė A lot! (In a whinier tone) Donít you see, Jerry? When you have a girlfriend you donít need anything else! Itís like a friend, a sex partner, a mother figure all in one! Itís like that smart, multi purpose remote control or something!

 

JERRY: Well then, apologise.

 

GEORGE: Apologise? To Steph?

 

JERRY: Obviously.

 

GEORGE: But wouldnít that be giving in?

 

JERRY: Let me take you back a minute in time George Ė How much do you need a girlfriend right now?

 

GEORGE (reluctantly): Oh alright, alright. Iíll do it.

 

(Kramer bursts in the door)

 

KRAMER: Jerry, this is awful! Awful Iím telling ya! I was trying to read yesterday but couldnít! Turns out Iím too used to having my head a little upwards!

 

JERRY (rather impatiently): Just call the company again then.

 

KRAMER: I tried to, Jerry! They said they wouldnít come because I already chose to have the piston removed!

 

(The intercom buzz is heard)

 

JERRY (to intercom): Who is this?

 

ELAINE (on intercom): Itís me.

 

JERRY: Come on up (buzzes her in).

 

GEORGE (to Kramer): Canít you install another piston yourself?

 

(Kramer just stares at him for a few seconds)

 

KRAMER: Well I supposeÖ Iíll go check if Newman has one (clicks his tongue & leaves. Elaine comes in as he gets out)

 

ELAINE (to George): I thought youíre supposed to be at work.

 

GEORGE: Likewise.

 

ELAINE: Oh Iím just here to take my coat; I forgot it in the stupid restaurant & Jerry brought it here.

 

JERRY: Itís coming up (goes to his bedroom to bring her coat)

 

ELAINE (to George): So what about you then?

 

GEORGE: Kruger doesnít mind it if I miss a day or two.

 

ELAINE: I see (puckers upper lip). So howís it going with Steph then? (Coyly)

 

GEORGE: (Annoyed) Oh leave me alone.

 

(Jerry comes back with Elaineís coat)

 

JERRY: There ya go (gives her the coat). So are you planning another visit to Il Pastaio tonight? (Grins)

 

ELAINE: Absolutely not! Itís exasperating enough to have to stand her & her husbandís accusing looks as it is.

 

JERRY: Huh?

 

ELAINE: Havenít you noticed that the restaurant is right in front of Petermanís building?

 

JERRY: Guess not. Guess I have nyctalopia or something.

 

ELAINE: Huh?

 

JERRY: Night blindness. Oh wait a minute, I forgot youíre an eccedentesiast. (Grins)

 

ELAINE: Oh shush! (Pushes him) Anyway, every time I get out of my car to get into Petermanís building I can just feel them looking at me! Itís insane.

 

GEORGE: Well Iím off, better take the pill.

 

ELAINE: A new stage in therapy?

 

GEORGE: Nah, calling Steph. See ya guys. (Leaves)

 

ELAINE: Nothing to explain, huh?

 

JERRY (barely holding a straight face): Yeah.

 

Georgeís apartment, night

 

(George picks up the phone & dials a number. Steph answers him. You can see them both separated by a line, as in a telephone conversation)

 

STEPH: Hello.

 

GEORGE: Hey Steph, itís me George.

 

STEPH (very reluctantly): Oh hi.

 

GEORGE: Listen, I just wanted to apologise to you. Really, I was being petty over absolutely nothing. You donít have to explain anything; itís all right. I just want us back together.

 

STEPH: Well Iím afraid thatís not enough George. I need a compensation.

 

GEORGE (faking cheer): Well, of course! Anything you want!

 

STEPH: Oh itís nothing really, I just want you to invite me to lunch tomorrow.

 

GEORGE (rather relieved): Well sure! Why not? Your pick.

 

STEPH: Well thereís this nice Italian restaurant I know, Il Pastaio. Cool name huh?

 

GEORGE: Oh no, please not there againÖ Iíve been eating there with my friends for two nights in a row!

 

STEPH: Well then George, I guess itís goodbye for us.

 

GEORGE: No no wait! Wait! Iíll do it (reluctantly).

 

STEPH (cool): Thank you. Meet me there at 14:00 tomorrow. Night. (Hangs up)

 

Next morning, Peterman building exterior, then Petermanís office

 

(Peterman is sitting by his desk. A knock is heard)

 

PETERMAN: Come in Elaine.

 

(Elaine comes in, smilingly meekly)

 

PETERMAN: Sit down, Elaine.

 

(Elaine does so)

 

PETERMAN: Elaine, a couple of nights ago I was having a night shift. You must know Iím a very busy person.

 

ELAINE (smiles meekly): Yes, mister Peterman.

 

PETERMAN: Well, as I finished my work & went to the parking lot to leave, I noticed a familiar face in the restaurant in front of us (smiles slightly).

 

ELAINE: Oh no mister Peterman, I was just havingÖ

 

PETERMAN (doesnít let her finish): Relax, Elaine! Iím all for hedonism! Do you go there often?

 

ELAINE: Well I was there a couple of times butÖ

 

PETERMAN (doesnít let her finish again): Good! Because Iíve heard that they have a delicious strawberry cake & I want you to bring me a slice from over there. I must try it.

 

ELAINE: But mister Peterman, why me?

 

PETERMAN: Well youíre my personal assistant, arenít you?

 

ELAINE: Yes butÖ

 

PETERMAN (doesnít let her finish): See? I want to have a piece of the cake here on my desk by 13:00 today.

 

ELAINE: But mister PetermanÖ

 

PETERMAN (doesnít let her finish): Now leave. Iím very busy today. The catalogue caption writers are being very unromantic lately.

 

(Elaine sighs & leaves his office)

 

The same time, Jerryís apartment

 

(Kramer bursts in the door)

 

KRAMER: Hey Jerry, I need you to do me a favour.

 

JERRY (sardonically): Oh you mean, as opposed to consuming all of my food, borrowing things without returning them, & making yourself overall too at home in my place?

 

KRAMER: Jerry, this is serious! Newman doesnít have a piston!

 

JERRY (sardonically): How surprising.

 

KRAMER: So what I want you to do is to go to that new Home Centre store on 57th street & buy me a new piston, a new handle & some oil.

 

JERRY: Forget it!

 

KRAMER: Oh come on Jerry, I have to read comfortably! (Hands him money)

 

JERRY: Oh wait a secondÖ Youíre actually using your own money?

 

KRAMER: Well yeah! What money did you expect me to use Jerry?

 

JERRY: This I gotta see (grins).

 

(The phone rings)

 

JERRY (picks it up): Hello.

 

(Itís Elaine. The scene changes between her office & Jerryís flat)

 

ELAINE: Jerry, youíve gotta help me! Peterman wants me to buy him this strawberry cake I canít stand from the Turk!

 

JERRY: & naturally, youíre asking ME to buy it.

 

ELAINE: Oh please Jerry! I canít look the woman in the face!

 

JERRY (reluctantly): Oh fine. I have to go buy stuff for Kramer anyway. Since when have I become the errands guy?

 

ELAINE: Oh thank you thank you thank you Jerry! I owe you one.

 

JERRY (cynically): So it means you might wanna ďsave the friendshipĒ with me tonight?

 

ELAINE (coyly): It depends.

 

About half an hour later, Peterman building exterior, then Elaineís office

 

(Jerry comes in with a bag in his hands)

 

JERRY: There ya go (takes a slice of strawberry cake out of the bag, wrapped in nylon)

 

ELAINE: What else do you have here?

 

JERRY: A piston, a handle & oil.

 

ELAINE: What for?

 

JERRY: Ask Kramer. I have to go back & give him this.

 

ELAINE: If you say so.

 

JERRY: Hey, you could at least thank me! I had to pretend Iím a new costumer in front of the Turk!

 

ELAINE: & he actually bought it?

 

JERRY: It depends. Look I really have to go, but you can thank me later tonight (grins).

 

ELAINE: Oh JerryÖ (Grins back) Are you serious?

 

JERRY: Nah, but you know what they say Ė War Ė What Is It Good For? (Grins & leaves)

 

(Elaine goes to Petermanís office to give him the cake. She knocks on the door)

 

PETERMAN: Come in.

 

(Elaine comes in)

 

ELAINE: There you go, mister PetermanÖ (Finally realises) Oh drat! I forgot to ask him to bring cutlery!

 

PETERMAN (suspecting): Ask who?

 

ELAINE (smiles meekly): Oh, nothing, nothingÖ Itís just a form of speech.

 

PETERMAN (smiles): Donít worry about it Elaine, I keep silverware here just in case. (Smells around) Wait a minuteÖ This cakeÖ It smells of oil!

 

ELAINE: (Realises that she will get caught if she tells Peterman the truth) Well I shouldíve warned you mister Peterman, I didnít like this cake at all.

 

PETERMAN: Well why didnít you tell me then?

 

ELAINE: You never let me finish my sentences (uncomfortable).

 

PETERMAN: Well this is atrocious, Elaine! Just atrocious! I am going there right now & complain!

 

Il Pastaio exterior, same hour

 

(George & Steph are sitting in a table close to the counter. Steph is having the infamous strawberry juice & George has a glass of apple juice in front of him)

 

GEORGE: Iím gonna ask them to replace this apple juice.

 

STEPH: Why?

 

GEORGE: Well it tastes like an apple!

 

STEPH: But it is apple juice.

 

GEORGE: Yes but you donít understand, it tastes like an apple! A live apple! I want it to taste like apple JUICE!

 

(Peterman comes in)

 

PETERMAN: OK, who is in charge here?

 

(The ownerís wife is behind the counter)

 

WIFE: I am, why?

 

PETERMAN: I would like to complain about your atrocious strawberry cake! It smells like oil!

 

WIFE: Our cakes are excellent! What you say here is impossible! (Stops) Hey wait a second, there was this other complaint the other dayÖ

 

PETERMAN: You see? I bet it was Elaine Benes, my employee! You think you have a right to sell people substandard food?!

 

WIFE (confused): Iíll go ask my husband (leaves to the kitchen).

 

(Steph looks pretty annoyed)

 

STEPH (to Peterman): Excuse me sir, but I am eating this cake right now & thereís nothing wrong with it. Could you please stop making false accusations? Iím sure youíre mistaken about your cake.

 

PETERMAN: How can you be so sure?

 

STEPH: Oh I just can, believe me.

 

PETERMAN (a bit annoyed): But how?

 

STEPH (keeps her cool): Because I can.

 

PETERMAN: (Annoyed) Do you have any idea who youíre talking to?!

 

STEPH (still cool): Why should I care.

 

PETERMAN: You are the most sassy, smug, & overly self assured girl Iíve ever met! (Stops for a minute, then gives her a card) Jacopo Peterman, clothes designer.

 

A week later, noon, Monkís

 

(Jerry, George & Elaine are sitting in their booth)

 

JERRY: So Steph works for Peterman now huh?

 

ELAINE: Yuck! Tell me about it. Sheís the most obnoxious person Iíve ever met. Wonít explain anything she does, & all of her ideas are stupid.

 

JERRY: Well at least Peterman likes her.

 

GEORGE: Yeah, & she also broke up with me.

 

ELAINE: Why?

 

GEORGE: Because she said sheís going to be too busy with her new job.

 

JERRY: It makes sense.

 

GEORGE: Nah, I think itís because of me.

 

ELAINE: Didnít you ask her?

 

GEORGE: Nah, she wouldnít have explained.

 

JERRY: Why not?

 

ELAINE: Because. (Grins)

 

GEORGE: Hey you know what, we can go out tonight.

 

ELAINE: Donít think of Il Pastaio then. Theyíre out of business.

 

JERRY (smiles): Oily cake?

 

ELAINE (smiles back): Oily cake. (Puckers her lip)

 

JERRY: Well at least Kramer got the piston back on his bed.

 

ELAINE: You donít say.

 

GEORGE (quite annoyed): Yeah that Kramer, always gets what he wants.

 

Jerryís building exterior, then Kramerís apartment, night

 

(Kramer is reading a book with the pillow part of the bed reclined up & a cigar in his mouth. He finally closes the book, puts the cigar down, then pushes the handle. Nothing happens. He pushes it a few more times. Nothing. Kramer opens his mouth in awe)

 

THE END

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