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The Beatle Pillows

 

    The Beatle Pillows

 

A Seinfeld fan's script by pjazz

 

2003

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT

 

JERRY IS SEATED ON THE SOFA WATCHING HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND, SANDY, DO AEROBICS.

 

A TAPE DECK IS PLAYING MUSIC. SANDY IS IN A TIGHT LEOTARD.

 

SHE LOOKS A LOT LIKE DENISE RICHARDS.

 

SANDY

C'mon, Jerry. Join in.

 

JERRY

I'm fine here in the audience.

 

SANDY

Audience? I didn't realise I was putting on a show.

 

JERRY

Oh it's a show alright.

 

SANDY

Well, mister, I might charge an admission fee.

 

TAPE ENDS

 

SANDY

Whew! I need water. Jerry, change the tape could you?

 

JERRY SWAPS TAPES. THE BEATLES PLAY.

 

JERRY

You like the Beatles?

 

SANDY

My favourite band. I've got a big crush on John Lennon.

 

JERRY

You realise he's dead.

 

SANDY

Silly. And I know I wasn't even born when they were a group. I still love them. There's an auction of Beatles memorabilia downtown soon. I'll buy you a Beatles wig.

 

JERRY

More of a quiff man myself. I have a friend could use the wig though. What's your Beatles favourite track?

 

SANDY

Revolution 9. On the White Album.

 

JERRY

The one that's all random static? No lyrics or melody?

 

SANDY

Cool, huh?

 

 

INT. NYC DELI.

 

GEORGE IS WAITING IN LINE AT THE COUNTER.

 

AHEAD OF HIM IS BUZZ ALDRIN, THE APOLLO ASTRONAUT.

 

GEORGE

Aren't you Buzz Aldrin?

 

BUZZ

Yes, I am.

 

GEORGE

Wow. I'm a big fan of yours, sir. Big fan.

 

BUZZ

Thank you.

 

GEORGE

Not as a big a fan as I am of Neil Armstrong, naturally. He was first on the moon, you were only second . You know what they say. First is first. Second is nowhere.

 

BUZZ

Really.

 

GEORGE

Do you know what I think your first words when you walked on the moon should have been? 'Neil was first, but I try harder.'

 

BUZZ

'Neil was first, but I try harder?'

 

GEORGE

It's like a skit of the car rental slogan. 'We try harder.'

 

BUZZ

I see.

 

GEORGE

Ah, you weren't to know. Other things on your mind. 'Will the rocket work?' 'Are we going to die up here or burn up on reentry' That sort of stuff.

 

BUZZ

Who are you?

 

GEORGE

Costanza. George Costanza. You know, if it had been me up there with Neil Armstrong I'd have hidden his space helmet then snuck out the lunar module first while he was still looking for it.

 

BUZZ

The lunar module was very cramped, Mr Costanza. I'm sure Neil would have found his space helmet very quickly.

 

GEORGE

Take it with you out on the surface. Then he's screwed. You're first on the moon. You get all the glory.

 

BUZZ

Mr Costanza, I would have been court martialed. Neil was the mission commander. It was his perogative to be first out.

 

GEORGE

(SNORTS)

Perogative! This is history we're talking about here.

 

BUZZ

This is absurd.

 

GEORGE

So, Buzz, got any more trips into space planned?

 

BUZZ

You are the most irritating man I've ever met.

 

 

INT. MONK'S. JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE.

 

ELAINE

Her favourite Beatles track is 'Revolution 9', the one with all the static? What is she - tone deaf?

 

JERRY

I know. It's very perplexing. In every other respect Sandy's completely normal.

 

ELAINE

I think I saw Sandy at my gym. We were in the showers together.

 

JERRY

In the showers?

 

GEORGE

Together?

 

JERRY AND GEORGE EXCHANGE A LOOK. ELAINE NOTICES.

 

ELAINE

(SARCASTIC)

Yeah. We soaped each other down. Then the other women joined in. It was one big soap-o-rama.

 

JERRY

Elaine, don't tease us. We're flesh and blood.

 

ELAINE

Gimme a break. You really think that stuff goes on?

 

JERRY

Yes we do. That and the pillow fights in your underwear.

 

ELAINE

Don't you have a communal shower at your gym?

 

JERRY

Sure. I never use it. Only the private cubicle.

 

ELAINE

Why not?

 

JERRY

It's like prison. The risk of dropping the soap is too great. I can't chance it.

 

ELAINE

Suppose the cubicle is out of order?

 

GEORGE

Then we drive home in our smelly, sweaty gym clothes.

 

ELAINE

The more I learn about men the more I think women should be dating chimpanzees.

 

GEORGE

Guess who I met in the deli today - Buzz Aldrin.

 

JERRY

The second man on the moon?

 

GEORGE

Yeah. He was buying salami slices.

 

JERRY

Oh no. You didn't try the line on him?

 

ELAINE

What? What line?

 

JERRY

George dreamt up this line Buzz Aldrin should have said on the moon.

 

GEORGE

'Neil was first, but I try harder.' It's a great line. Like the car rental slogan.

 

JERRY

What did Buzz think?

 

GEORGE

(SNORTS)

HAh, he might be an big space hero, but he has no imagination whatsoever.

 

ELAINE

Hated it, huh?

 

GEORGE

He said I was the most irritating person he'd ever met.

 

JERRY

Buzz Aldrin insulted you? You've been insulted by many many people, but never by an astronaut. Congratulations.

 

ELAINE

I read somewhere Buzz Aldrin was the first person to take a leak on the moon.

 

JERRY

So what you're saying Elaine, is that as Buzz Aldrin stepped on the moon, in front of a tv audience of millions worldwide, his first words should be 'Hey Neil, I just peed my pants'?

 

KRAMER ENTERS. SITS AT BOOTH.

 

KRAMER

Hey, I need you all to sponser me.

 

JERRY

Why, you running the New York marathon?

 

KRAMER

NO. A sponsered pogostick bounce.

 

JERRY

Pogostick bounce? What are you - 10 years old?

 

KRAMER

It's for charity, Jerry. 10 cents a bounce. Some kid can do over a million. He's in the Guinness Book of Records.

 

ELAINE

Aren't you in there too? Under World's Biggest Doofus?

 

JERRY

How many can you do?

 

KRAMER

Five.

 

JERRY

50 cents? Sure I'm in.

 

ELAINE

Me too.

 

GEORGE

Er, I gotta go. Catch you later.

 

GEORGE EXITS

 

ELAINE

That cheapskate. No wonder Buzz Aldrin hated him.

 

KRAMER

Buzz Aldrin? He's a phoney.

 

JERRY

What d'you mean - phoney?

 

KRAMER

He didn't walk on the moon, Jerry. No one did. It was all filmed on a Hollywood set.

 

JERRY

The whole thing? Rockets, landing, moon walks?

 

KRAMER

Faked. One big contrick by the CIA.

 

ELAINE

What about the moon rocks?

 

KRAMER

From a volcano. Ever see a moon rock? Can't do it. Phoney.

 

JERRY

But why?

 

KRAMER

To fool the russians, Jerry. They wouldn't want to go to the moon if we got there first.

 

JERRY

So we pretended to go to the moon to stop the Russians from actually going?

 

KRAMER

Now you're wising up.

 

JERRY

I'm glad we had this discussion.

 

KRAMER

You better believe it, buddy.

 

 

INT. GYM.

 

ELAINE, WRAPPED IN A TOWEL, HAS JUST SHOWERED AND IS COMBING HER WET HAIR.

 

SANDY ENTERS AND STARTS CHANGING HER TRAINERS.

 

ELAINE

(THINKS TO HERSELF)

Oh look. Jerry's pal little miss tone deaf. Mebbe I should offer to soap her down. Hah! Men are such idiots.

 

ELAINE LAUGHS OUT LOUD

 

SANDY

Something funny?

 

ELAINE

What? Oh no. I was just thinking something.

 

SANDY

You're Elaine, aren't you? Jerry's ex girlfriend.

 

ELAINE

Yeah.

 

SANDY

I can see why he dumped you.

 

SANDY EXITS LEAVING ELAINE OPEN MOUTHED IN AMAZEMENT.

 

 

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.

 

JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE.

 

JERRY

'I can see why he dumped you?' Sandy said that?

 

ELAINE

Yup. Looked me right in the eye and - pow! - out of nowhere.

 

JERRY

Did you do something to upset her?

 

ELAINE

Nope. Why would she think you dumped me? What was it about me at that precise moment that caused her to jump to that conclusion? Am I some hideous blob?

 

GEORGE

Perhaps your hair was a mess?

 

ELAINE

George, my hair is never a mess. I use a shampoo with 13 different herbs and oils. Then I rinse with Jojoba juice for that silky sheen.

 

GEORGE

Jojoba juice? Mebbe I should try that.

 

JERRY

You? You don't need shampoo. You need polish.

 

GEORGE

(ANGRY)

George, isn't liking these bald jokes!

 

ELAINE

Mebbe I should stick around and talk to Sandy. Ask her what she meant.

 

JERRY

Elaine, I really like Sandy. I don't want you ruining it.

 

ELAINE

You know me, Jerry. I'm a natural diplomat. I'll smooth things over.

 

THERE'S A COMMOTION IN THE HALL. JERRY OPENS THE DOOR TO SEE KRAMER, BOUNCING ON A POGOSTICK.

 

JERRY

How's it going?

 

KRAMER

Pretty good. I can manage 8 now.

 

JERRY

Good for you.

 

JERRY CLOSES THE DOOR. THERE IS A LOUD CRASH OUTSIDE. KRAMER HAS FALLEN OFF.

 

JERRY

That's a shame.

 

 

INT. LAWYER JACKIE CHILES OFFICE.

 

JACKIE CHILES IS SEATED BEHIND HIS DESK.

 

HIS INTERCOM BUZZES.

 

INTERCOM

A Cosmo Kramer here to see you.

 

JACKIE

Cosmo Kramer? Oh no. Tell him I'm indisposed, incapacitated and incommunicado.

 

KRAMER ENTERS. HE HAS A BIG WHITE BANDAGE ROUND HIS HEAD.

 

KRAMER

Hey, Jackie.

 

JACKIE

Damn! What happened to your fool head?

 

KRAMER

I fell off a pogostick.

 

JACKIE

A pogostick? I didn't know you had a pogostick? What were you doing on a pogostick? What the hell's a pogostick anyway?

 

KRAMER

Bouncing. For charity.

 

JACKIE

Did the pogostick come with instructions?

 

KRAMER

Nope.

 

JAKIE

Any warnings pogosticks are injurious to health?

 

KRAMER

Nope.

 

JACKIE

No crash helmet or safety gear supplied?

 

KRAMER

Not a thing. What d'you think, Jackie? Have we got a case?

 

JACKIE

Kramer, your cracked skull is my case. This pogostick company is guilty of endangering the public - namely you. Here, have a cigar.

 

 

INT. POGOSTICK COMPANY OFFICE.

 

KRAMER, JACKIE CHILES AND THE PRESIDENT OF THE COMPANY.

 

PRESIDENT

Mr Chiles, I really don't see that you have much of a case. Our pogostick is primarily designed as a childrens toy. It's not meant for a man of Mr Kramer's advanced years.

 

JACKIE

Does it say so on the box?

 

PRESIDENT

Well, no. Surely it's common sense?

 

JACKIE

Sense? Take a look at my client, Mr Kramer here. Note the crazy hair. The vacant eyes. The slack jaw. Here is a man with absolutely no sense at all, common or otherwise.

 

PRESIDENT

Since you put it like that. I'm prepared to offer your client 25,000 dollars to drop his claim.

 

KRAMER

Oh yeah.

 

JACKIE

Oh no. We want 250,000 dollars. Not a dime less.

 

PRESIDENT

A quarter of a million dollars? That's preposterous.

 

JACKIE

We'll see you in court.

 

 

INT. KRAMER'S APARTMENT.

 

KRAMER ANSWERS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.

 

IT'S DARLENE, A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE IN A LOW CUT DRESS THAT SHOWS OFF HER LARGE BREASTS.

 

DARLENE

Hi. I'm Darlene. The pogostick company sent me to discuss your claim, Mr Kramer. May I call you Cosmo?

 

KRAMER

Giddyup.

 

DARLENE

Can I come in...Cosmo?

 

KRAMER

Giddy giddyup.

 

 

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY AND SANDY.

 

SANDY

Are you ready, Jerry? The Beatles auction starts in an hour. And we've got to get all the way downtown.

 

KNOCK ON THE DOOR. ELAINE ENTERS.

 

ELAINE

Hi, Jerry. Hi, Sandy. I was hoping to find you here.

 

SANDY

What do you want?

 

ELAINE

Remember that day at the gym? You looked at me and said you could see why Jerry dumped me?

 

JERRY

Elaine....

 

SANDY

It still hurts, doesn't it, Elaine? Being dumped.

 

JERRY

I didn't dump Elaine. It was an amicable parting.

 

SANDY

That is so typical of you, Jerry. Sparing her feelings.

 

ELAINE

But what was it that day that made you think, however wrongly, Jerry dumped me? Was it my hair? My eyes? My ever so slightly prominent chin?

 

SANDY

I guess pretty much the whole package.

 

ELAINE

Ri-ght. The whole package. Well, someone's about to get a swift kick up the kazoo.

 

SANDY

Look at the time. We're going to miss the auction.

 

SANDY EXITS.

 

ELAINE

You don't get away from me that easy, missy!

 

ELAINE EXITS.

 

 

INT. LAWYER JACKIE CHILES OFFICE.

 

JACKIE, KRAMER AND DARLENE.

 

KRAMER AND DARLENE ARE ARM IN ARM, VERY TOUCHY FEELY.

 

JACKIE

Where you been? The trial starts in an hour.

 

KRAMER

I've dropped the claim, Jackie.

 

JACKIE

Dropped the claim? What d'you mean, dropped the claim? Did I tell you to drop the claim? Who told you to drop the claim?

 

KRAMER

Darlene. Her company is sponsering me in a smooch-a-thon.

 

JACKIE

Smooch-a-thon? What the hell's a smooch-a-thon?

 

KRAMER

They pay me 10 cents every time I kiss Darlene.

 

DARLENE

We're up to 63 dollars.

 

THEY KISS

 

KRAMER

63 dollars. And 10 cents.

 

JACKIE

I've been hornswaggled, hogtied and hoodwinked. This is the bitterest of all my many humiliations.

 

 

INT. NYC AUCTION HOUSE.

 

JERRY, ELAINE AND SANDY ARE SEATED IN A ROW.

 

ELAINE AND SANDY GLARE AT EACH OTHER.

 

AUCTIONEER

Lot 657. Pair of featherdown pillows used by the Beatles during their stay in New York in 1964. Do I hear 50 dollars?

 

SANDY BIDS

 

AUCTIONEER

50 bid. Do I have 100?

 

ELAINE BIDS

 

AUCTIONEER

100 BID.

 

SANDY BIDS. ELAINE COUNTER BIDS.

 

AUCTIONEER

150. 200. 250. 300. 350. 400. 450. 500.

 

SANDY

600 dollars!

 

ELAINE

700!

 

SANDY

800!

 

ELAINE

1,000 dollars!

 

AUCTIONEER

1,000 dollars. Going once. Twice. Sold.

 

ELAINE SMILES TRIUMPHANTLY AT SANDY, WHO SULKS WITH HER ARMS FOLDED.

 

AUCTIONEER

Finally, Lot 658. A pair of Ringo Starr's underpants. Do I hear 100 dollars?

 

JERRY SCRATCHES HIS NOSE.

 

AUCTIONEER

100 bid.

 

JERRY

What? No! I scratched my nose.

 

AUCTIONEER

At 100 dollars. Going once. Twice. Sold.

 

JERRY

I scratched my nose!

 

 

EXT. NYC STREET.

 

ELAINE IS CARRYING THE BEATLE PILLOWS. JERRY RINGO STARR'S UNDERPANTS.

 

JERRY

I scratched my nose. What am I supposed to do with Ringo Starr's old underpants?

 

ELAINE

(YAWNS)

Feeling sleepy. Think I'll go have a nap on my Beatle pillows.

 

SANDY

Those are my pillows!

 

SANDY GRABS A PILLOW.

 

ELAINE

You give that back!

 

SANDY HITS ELAINE WITH THE PILLOW. ELAINE HITS BACK. THEY POUND EACH OTHER.

 

A CROWD GATHERS TO WATCH.

 

THE PILLOWS SPLIT. ENVELOPING EALINE AND SANDY IN A CLOUD OF FEATHERS.

 

MAN IN CROWD

Chickfight! Man, this is just like spring break. Woo! Woo! Woo!

 

IN THE DISTANCE, A POLICE SIREN.

 

 

EXT. OUTSIDE A NYC POLICE PRECINCT.

 

JERRY AND ELAINE WALK FORM THE P STATION TO JERRY'S CAR. ELAINE IS COVERED IN FEATHERS.

 

ELAINE

(DAZED)

I just spent 1,000 bucks on pillows. Got arrested for public disorder. And a lesbian wants me as her bitch.

 

JERRY

And your car got towed. It's in the pound.

 

ELAINE

Jerry, this is the worst day of my life.

 

JERRY

On the plus side, Sandy and I didn't break up.

 

JERRY STARTS TO HUM A BEATLES TUNE.

 

 

 

THE END

 

 

 

 

****************************AUTHOR'S NOTE************************************

 

Joking apart, the Beatles' Revolution 9 is obviously a valid artistic creation.

 

No insult intended on my part.

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