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The Archies
SEINFELD EPISODE 182

The Archies

Written By: David Adler

GEORGE

I saw a homeless guy yesterday.

JERRY

Congratulations.

GEORGE

Will you let me finish?

JERRY

You mean there's more.

GEORGE

Yes.

JERRY

Well by all means, go ahead.

GEORGE

You know how they're always giving them those really ugly sports-jackets?

JERRY

Like with the checkers and the polka-dots?

GEORGE

Why can't they wear normal clothes? Why do they have to dress them up like used-car salesman? It's like they're advertising for a homeless circus or something.

JERRY

That's the best you could come up with?

GEORGE

Well I don't see you contributing anything.

JERRY

I feel like I'm in a fog.

GEORGE

I always feel like I'm in a fog.

JERRY

I'm not sharp. I tried writing some new material yesterday. I couldn't get anything done.

GEORGE

You wrote some new material? Lets hear it.

JERRY

Alright. But I'm telling you it's not very good.

GEORGE

Better than the Heil 5?

JERRY

Maybe. Listen. "What's the deal with doors? Why can't they just settle on push or pull? Sometimes you push, sometimes you pull. (Repeating slowly and languorously) What's the deal with doors?"

GEORGE

Hmm.

JERRY

Not good, huh.

GEORGE

No.

JERRY

Well it's the best I could come up with. I'm telling you, something's wrong.

GEORGE

Have you been eating any dairy?

JERRY

Not more than usual. Why?

GEORGE

Sometimes when I have dairy, I go a little crazy.

JERRY

What, like iced-cream?

GEORGE

Iced cream isn't dairy.

JERRY

If it comes from a cow, it's dairy.

GEORGE

(Shakes his head) What about a steak? That comes from a cow. Is a steak dairy?

JERRY

(Extremely frustrated, almost yelling) Yeah, a steak is dairy.

GEORGE

Well it comes from a cow!

JERRY

(About to blow his top, but calms down) Whoa. You know what, forget it. I don't think I want to have this conversation.

GEORGE

You're right. It's stupid. Just forget it.

(Flags waitress)

GEORGE

Excuse me darling. I'll have some iced-cream. Chocolate.

JERRY

Oh, I remembered what I was going to tell you.

GEORGE

See, this is good. This is what I like. Now I feel like I've done something.

JERRY

I broke up with Dahlia.

GEORGE

Dahlia? Who's that.

JERRY

(Thinking)

GEORGE

What are you doing?

JERRY

I'm trying to think of the right word to describe her. Not girlfriend.

GEORGE

What, just "friend?"

JERRY

No. I didn't really like her.

GEORGE

Well, did you..

JERRY

No. We never got around to that.

GEORGE

So what was this relationship?

JERRY

I'm not sure. Convenient.

GEORGE

Well what was wrong with her? Big ears?

JERRY

No. She was too nice. Too happy. She was always smiling. It was really annoying.

GEORGE

Oh, so she was "Go-lucky."

JERRY

That's the problem. She wanted to be everybody's friend. It was awful going out with her. Like last week we went out for dinner and she asked the waiter to come eat with us. I was afraid to tell her it was over.

GEORGE

So how did she take it?

JERRY

Pretty hard.

GEORGE

No smiles?

JERRY

Not even a smirk.

Enter Elaine

JERRY

Hey.

ELAINE

Hi.

JERRY

What's wrong?

ELAINE

Nothing.

JERRY

Good! So I was eating a banana this morning and I…

ELAINE

Why is life so unfair?

JERRY

(Points to George) You want to field that one.

ELAINE

Just when you think everything's going right, things couldn't be more perfect, bam!

GEORGE

I find it's more of a screeching sound.

ELAINE

You know that I'm seeing someone else now.

JERRY

Really? Who?

ELAINE

I don't know. Some guy, it's not important.

JERRY

What's his name?

ELAINE

Ar...(coughs)...hmnld (Muffled)

GEORGE

Arvan?

ELAINE

Archie.

JERRY

Archie?

ELAINE

Yeah, Archie. (Looks expectantly at Jerry for some wisecrack)

JERRY

(Raises arms) I've got nothing!

ELAINE

He's soooo perfect.

JERRY

Except for…

ELAINE

Archie.

JERRY

Well, a name's not that important.

ELAINE

I know. I know. I mean, how often do you ever have to tell anyone your name?

GEORGE

If I didn't have a bank account, I don't think I'd even need a name.

(Kramer is sitting in the booth behind Jerry, with his back to George)

KRAMER

You know you can't run from your name Jerry.

JERRY

What! What are you doing back there?

KRAMER

I'm working on this puzzle. The Brooklyn Bridge. Yeah, I'll be with you shortly.

ELAINE

You'll never believe what his last name is?

GEORGE

Stanton?

JERRY

Like from The Good the Bad, And The Ugly?

ELAINE

Andrews. It's Andrews, Jerry. He's named after the comic book.

JERRY

What is it with parents and names? Your kid's not a truck-stop bathroom stall.

ELAINE

So how are things with you and Dahlia?

JERRY

We broke up.

ELAINE

Too nice, huh?

JERRY

Well...

ELAINE

That's what I thought.

SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT

Checks Messages

JERRY

Oh, someone cares!

MACHINE

Jerry, it's Dahlia. Please call me back, I know we can work this out. We just need to talk.

GEORGE

What are you gonna do?

JERRY

I don't know.

GEORGE

Did you find her physically attractive?

JERRY

Yeah! I mean, she had a great body. Great blond hair. Long, luxurious. Like in those shampoo commercials.

GEORGE

Then call her back.

JERRY

But I just broke up with her two days ago.

GEORGE

So what, you're not making the first post-breakup contact. It's her. You're not the pathetic one, she is.

JERRY

I know. But now I've got Vivian and the whole thing...

GEORGE

Who's Vivian?

JERRY

Oh, I met her at the DMV. You know how you've got to stand in that line for like, forever. Well, we started to talk and, you know.

GEORGE

She didn't butt in, did she?

JERRY

Well...

GEORGE

Oh, you didn't. After everything that we've been fighting for as men for all these years. Sexual equality. I guess that doesn't mean anything to you.

JERRY

Well I'm going out with her tonight.

GEORGE

So. Do you think I can have Dahlia's number?

JERRY

(Thinks for a second. Obviously doesn't want to give George the number) Maybe I'll call her.

(Kramer Enters With The Puzzle)

KRAMER

Finished, Jerry. Isn't it beautiful?

JERRY

Wow, the Brooklyn Bridge. Well I've never seen that before.

GEORGE

Let me see that.

KRAMER

Jerry...

GEORGE

Wait a minute! Hey, that's my car!

KRAMER

What are you talking about?

GEORGE

That's my car!

KRAMER

Where?

GEORGE

There. The one with the streak on the side. 1981 Buick Skylark. I stopped to get an apple pie and someone stole it. The police never found it.

KRAMER

Well what about the pie?

JERRY

He ate it.

GEORGE

Kramer, do you still have the box?

KRAMER

Yeah, it's in my apartment.

GEORGE

That's my car!

(Storms out and into Kramer's apartment)

(Jerry is on the phone, but Kramer is following him around the apartment with the puzzle. It is clear that Jerry is ignoring him, and does not want to be distracted)

KRAMER

Look. Jerry.

JERRY

(Waves him away) Hi, Dahlia, it's Jerry.

KRAMER

Come on Jerry, just take a look.

JERRY

Kramer, I'm on the phone.

KRAMER

Jerry, come on...

JERRY

(Shaking his head) Yeah, I got the message. I don't know.

KRAMER

(Put the puzzle right under Jerry's nose.)

JERRY

Kramer, No! Sorry Dahlia. No, I wasn't talking to you.

KRAMER

Jerry, one look.

JERRY

ALRIGHT. (Throws out his arm in frustration, knocking the puzzle to the floor. Pieces go flying everywhere.)

KRAMER

(Drops to his knees)

JERRY

Kramer, I'm sorry.

KRAMER

No.

JERRY

Kramer, come on, I didn't mean to...

KRAMER

No. No. No.

(Kramer storms out, slamming the door)

JERRY

Sorry about that. So do you want to come over and we can talk? Alright. So tonight. Bye.

(George has just returned with the puzzle box)

JERRY

Where were you?

GEORGE

Kramer's. He didn't get a dog, did he?

JERRY

No, why?

GEORGE

No reason.

So she's coming over?

JERRY

What did I just do?

GEORGE

Hey, take a look at this.

JERRY

What, the puzzle?

GEORGE

Notice anything?

JERRY

No, not really...wait a second. Is that your car?

GEORGE

I think so. And I think I can kind of make out the guy driving it. He's bald.

JERRY

How can you tell?

GEORGE

You see the sun, shining off his head?

JERRY

Oh yeah. So this is the Buick? From, like, 20 years ago?

GEORGE

The Shaggin' Wagon.

JERRY

Well how do you know that's just not an old picture. That could be you driving it.

GEORGE

(Points to the box) 1991, Jerry. This thing was taken ten years after it was stolen. No, this is my car.

JERRY

Well, there's nothing you can really do about it now.

GEORGE

(Thinking) Alright. I've got to get going.

JERRY

Where are you going?

GEORGE

(No reply)

JERRY

Not the puzzle!

GEORGE

It's my car! The Shaggin' Wagon rides again.

(Jerry walks over to Kramer's apartment and knocks on the door. There is a "please do not disturb" sign on the handle)

KRAMER

Who is it? (Opens door just a little bit)

JERRY

It's me, will you open up?

KRAMER

Jerry, I think I need some alone time.

JERRY

(Sniffing) Is that hickory?

Kramer, I'm sorry for knocking over the puzzle. I didn't mean to do it. You know, I was on the phone and it was an important conversation...I'm sorry.

KRAMER

Really?

JERRY

Yes. And I'll tell you what, if you want, you can come over and we can put it back together.

KRAMER

Together buddy? Me and you? Like old times?

JERRY

Yeah. Yeah. Just like old times.

KRAMER

Can Newman come?

JERRY

Hey, I didn't

(Kramer gets a really hang-dog look on his face)

JERRY

Alright!

KRAMER

(Instantly brightens up). Come on Newman, we're going to Jerry's.

(Kramer opens the door a little more and we can see Newman standing behind him)

NEWMAN

Hello Jerry.

JERRY

Hello Newman!

(Newman emerges carrying a huge puzzle box)

JERRY

What's this?

KRAMER

That's the Empire State Building. Yeah, it's a scale model. 15,000 pieces. Newman and I are gonna build New York. In miniature, Jerry. Miniature.

JERRY

Well how long is that going to take you?

KRAMER

Oh, it shouldn't be more than a few weeks.

SCENE - ELAINE'S APARTMENT

ELAINE

So that really is quite a unique name you've got.

ARCHIE

Yeah.

ELAINE

Your parents must have really loved Archie comics.

ARCHIE

Actually, they got it from the door of a bathroom stall.

ELAINE

Really?

ARCHIE

Yeah.

SCENE - PUZZLE OFFICE

GEORGE

Hi. I'm here about a puzzle.

ELEANOR

You missing a piece? Cause we don't handle that.

GEORGE

No, nothing like that. Actually, it's about what's in the puzzle. You see, I brought the box with me...

ELEANOR

You know what would happen if we had to replace every missing puzzle piece some kid like you brought in? We'd be looking through puzzles all day and all night. We'd never get to sleep. Puzzles all the time.

GEORGE

Please...(Holds out the box)

ELEANOR

Sir, I'm very busy. I don't have time to make puzzles with you.

GEORGE

No, I don't want to make the puzzle. You see, this car.

ELEANOR

The one with all that rust on the side?

GEORGE

That's a streak.

ELEANOR

That auto-mo-bile is all rusted up.

GEORGE

Well this car was stolen right before this picture was taken. See, if you look really close, you can almost make out the guy driving. See the sunlight glancing off his head?

ELEANOR

Hah! He's bald, just like you.

GEORGE

(Slowly) Yeah. You see, I need the negative to blow up and get a picture of this guy. I think I might know who it is.

ELEANOR

So you want me to give you the negative?

GEORGE

Yes. I'll pay you for it. I've got three...four dollars.

ELEANOR

The man who took this picture isn't with us anymore. I can give you his address, but it won't do you no good.

GEORGE

Why not?

ELEANOR

Cause he's crazy. You work too long with puzzles, you start thinking like a puzzle, eating like a puzzle. A piece won't fit, you don't eat dinner. Let me ask you something: You ever seen anybody try to put a cantaloupe back together?

GEORGE

Well, I'll take his number.

SCENE - DINNER WITH VIVIAN

VIVIAN

Jerry, pass me the salt.

JERRY

You haven't even taken a bite yet. How do you know it needs salt? Take a bite first.

VIVIAN

Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't know you were the salt police. Are you going to arrest me officer?

JERRY

(Speechless)

VIVIAN

I said pass me the salt.

(Jerry passes the salt quite violently)

VIVIAN

So I was on Fifth Avenue today. This homeless guy in a God-awful blazer comes up to me and asks if I have any change. You know what I did, I said, "here, I've got some change for you," and I poured my coffee on him.

JERRY

Don't you think that was a little excessive?

VIVIAN

Are you trying to start something?

JERRY

No, I'm just saying that's a little...

VIVIAN

So, I'm crazy.

JERRY

Well...

(Vivian takes her wine glass and pours the contents on Jerry)

SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT

GEORGE

So she poured her drink on you, and you did nothing?

JERRY

I was like a deer caught in the headlights of some angry, angry woman. I was totally helpless.

GEORGE

Not one step backward, huh. You're letting this woman walk all over you. You know this is how it starts. What's next? Parties, shopping, engagements. The WORLD!

You know, next thing she's gonna turn you against me. Pretty soon we'll only be seeing each other Sundays. Then every other week. Then one day it's "Jerry, you're not allowed to see George anymore." And you'll go up to your little room in your little corner of the house and play with your model trains.

JERRY

She really brings out the worst in me. You know that? We're always fighting. I can be fine the whole day, and when I'm near her it's triggers some biological defense mechanism. Fight or flight.

GEORGE

So you went with fight?

JERRY

I can't help it. She's like a Svengali or something.

GEORGE

I feel the same way around my parents. My mother asks me to pass her the salt, I want to jump out the window.

JERRY

But she is gorgeous.

GEORGE

I've seen her. She's quite striking.

JERRY

But the fighting.

GEORGE

Well, maybe you'll get used to it.

JERRY

Like your parents did.

GEORGE

Yeah, they don't even notice it anymore. It's like yelling has become part of their daily routine. No whispering, no normal decibel levels. Just yelling. That's the only way they know to communicate.

JERRY

I don't know.

GEORGE

So what's going on with you and Dahlia?

JERRY

I'm having dinner with her tonight. We're double-dating with Elaine and Archie.

(Phone rings)

JERRY

One second. Hello. Vivian, hi. (Becoming agitated) No, I wasn't home. What did you think, I just wasn't answering the phone. (Voice becomes audibly louder) Why wouldn't I want to talk to you? (Yelling now) Oh, so I'm a liar am I? Yeah, that's right, a CORNED BEEF SANDWICH! NO, I DON'T LIKE PICKLES. WHO DOESN'T LIKE PICKLES? I DON'T LIKE PICKLES. IS THAT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? HOT MUSTARD? WHAT ARE YOU AN IDIOT? NO. I DON'T WANT IT ON BREAD. WHY DON'T YOU JUST BRING IT OVER, AND WE'LL SLAM IT BETWEEN A COUPLE OF PLAYING CARDS? RYE. OK? NO, I DON'T LIKE APPLE PIE, I ONLY EAT FRUIT IN IT'S NATURAL, UNCOOKED, STATE. BYE.

GEORGE

What was that all about.

JERRY

(Absolutely calm now) She's picking up lunch.

SCENE - DINNER WITH DAHLIA, ELAINE, AND ARCHIE

JERRY

So Archie, what do you do for a living?

ARCHIE

I'm a classic-car restorer. I go out and find these old wrecks, clean them up and sell them. It's really a lot of fun.

JERRY

You know I've got a friend who's looking for a new car. He's really into the old, vintage look. Maybe I'll give him your number.

ARCHIE

Yeah. Great, I'd love to speak to him.

ELAINE

Who do you know that's looking to buy a new car?

JERRY

Kramer.

ELAINE

No, you're not giving Kramer your number.

ARCHIE

Why?

ELAINE

Because! (Getting angry. It is now obvious that Elaine is starting to take on the personality traits of Vivian. She is quick to anger, and extremely confrontational) You are NOT giving him your number. That's FINAL!

JERRY

So I'll give him your number.

ARCHIE

Elaine tells me you're a comedian.

JERRY

Well, I try.

ELAINE

Dahlia, I've been meaning to ask you, what do you use on your hair? It's breathtaking.

ARCHIE

It really is quite stunning.

DAHLIA

Oh, thank you. Well, it's nothing, just a little conditioner.

ARCHIE

You know I used to know a girl who had hair just like that. Back home.

JERRY

Oh, where's that?

ARCHIE

Riverdale.

JERRY

Riverdale? Oh, like in the Bronx?

ARCHIE

Do you bake, Dahlia?

DAHLIA

I love to bake!

ARCHIE

(Inching closer to Dahlia, who is sitting directly across the table from him) Apple Pie?

DAHLIA

(Inching closer to Archie) All the way from scratch. (Scratches Archie on the nose, playfully. He giggles. Elaine yanks him back by grabbing his neck-tie and pulling)

SCENE - THE PUZZLE GUY

GEORGE

(Knocks on the door). Hello. Mr. Parker?

MR.PARKER

It's open. Come in.

GEORGE

It's really dark in here.

MR.PARKER

Don't turn on the lights!

GEORGE

Alright.

MR.PARKER

I've been expecting you George.

GEORGE

What, like, ESP?

MR.PARKER

No, the girl from the puzzle office called.

GEORGE

So you know about the negative?

MR.PARKER

Sure. I've got it right here.

(George moves over to Mr. Parker and takes the negative)

GEORGE

Well, thank you. Is there anything I can do? You know, I really appreciate this.

MR.PARKER

That's an interesting looking outfit you've got on there.

GEORGE

Sears.

MR.PARKER

You know, I'd put the left jacket pocket a little bit higher. It doesn't quite fit there. And that sock. Pull that down.

GEORGE

This one? (Moves closer to Parker)

MR.PARKER

(Grabbing George) Your collar. Much to loose. The belt, not tight enough. That head. It's backwards. It should be the other way around!

GEORGE

Mr. Parker!

SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT

JERRY

What are the sleeping bags for?

KRAMER

We're having a sleep over. Newman brought marshmallows.

JERRY

And the tent?

KRAMER

I thought it would be a nice touch.

JERRY

Well, Vivian's coming over tonight. I want all of this stuff out of here.

KRAMER

But you said...

JERRY

I know what I said. I want all of this stuff out.

(Newman emerges from the washroom in pajamas, carrying a long stick with a marshmallow on the end.)

JERRY

OUT!

KRAMER

You know who you are? You're Reggie.

JERRY

I'm who?

KRAMER

You heard me. Reggie.

(Kramer and Newman exit, George enters)

GEORGE

What is all this?

JERRY

Ox and Jughead.

GEORGE

Which one's which?

JERRY

I haven't decided yet. Did you get the picture?

GEORGE

Yeah. Hannibal Lecter over there almost rearranged me.

JERRY

What, the socks?

GEORGE

Well you'll never believe this. Guess who has my car?

JERRY

I don't know. Who?

GEORGE

Guess!

JERRY

I'm not guessing.

GEORGE

You won't even give me one little guess? One little guess!

JERRY

How am I supposed to guess who has your car? Out of all the millions of people in New York City, how am I supposed to know the one person who has your car?

GEORGE

Well you could at least play along.

JERRY

I'm not playing!

GEORGE

Alright. Then I'm not going to tell you.

JERRY

OK, I'll guess. Newman.

GEORGE

Newman. What kind of guess is that? You know Newman doesn't have it.

JERRY

Oh, so now you're criticizing my guesses. I thought you just wanted a guess?

GEORGE

A guess, yes. But a real one.

JERRY

OK. OK. Bob Cobb?

GEORGE

Who?

JERRY

The maestro. His real name is Bob Cobb.

GEORGE

Bob Cobb. Why would he have my car?

JERRY

Alright, get out.

GEORGE

What? What are you talking about?

JERRY

Get out.

GEORGE

Whoa. You've got a vein going there.

JERRY

I do?

GEORGE

Yeah. It's kind of scary.

JERRY

(Feeling for the vein.) You know ever since I started going out with Vivian, I've been snapping at everyone. It's all the arguing. It's in my system, I can't get it out.

GEORGE

Well what about Dahlia?

JERRY

When I'm with her everything's fine.

GEORGE

Wait a second. You're going out with Vivian and seeing Dahlia on the side. The blond and the...This is just like the Archie comics. You ARE Reggie.

JERRY

But I don't want to be Reggie.

GEORGE

So it's Mike. You know your friend with the parking spot? He's got the car.

JERRY

You know I never liked him. So what are you gonna do?

GEORGE

I got his address from Kramer. I'm gonna go over and talk to him.

JERRY

Don't you think you should call the police?

GEORGE

Or better yet, why don't I just get my mother to call his mother, and we can shake and be friends again.

JERRY

Alright, do it your way.

SCENE - THE HALLWAY OF SOME APARTMENT

GEORGE

(Knocks on door. It opens just slightly) Hello.

MIKE

You? What are you doing here?

GEORGE

Oh, I was just in the neighborhood, for a walk, and I thought I'd drop by. You know I love to walk. I walk all the time. You've got to stop (pauses) and smell the roses.

MIKE

(Goes to close the door, but George shoves his foot in the jamb)

GEORGE

What was I talking about? Oh, walking, that's right. You know I was never a really big fan, but I learned to love it. To take my time. Of course I had to after YOU STOLE MY CAR!

MIKE

What are you talking about? I didn't steal your car.

GEORGE

(Produces the puzzle box) Then how do you explain this!

MIKE

(Looks at the box) That could be anybody. That's not me.

GEORGE

You're right, that could be anybody. But what about this? (Produces blown up version that clearly shows Mike driving the car)

MIKE

What do you want?

GEORGE

I want my car back.

MIKE

I don't have it. I sold it for scrap, like, 3 years ago.

GEORGE

What? That was a great car. How could you sell it for scrap?

MIKE

Great car? It was a piece of junk. The oil leaked, the heater was broken, and it had like ten feet of rust on each side.

GEORGE

That wasn't rust. That was a streak!

(Mike slams the door in George's face)

GEORGE

Oh boy! That car was the Shaggin' Wagon! It was a streak!

SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT

(Newman is back. There is an elaborate mock-up of New York on the floor where Jerry's couch and coffee table used to be, comprised of puzzles, replicas, and miniature scale models)

JERRY

Hello Newman.

NEWMAN

Hello Jerry.

JERRY

What is this?

NEWMAN

New York City. Down to the smallest detail. It was a labour of love, I must admit. But the pleasure was all mine.

(Kramer enters with a bucket of paint)

KRAMER

I've got the paint. Yeah, I borrowed it from Mrs. Grundy. Whoa, she doesn't like you buddy.

JERRY

What are you doing with that?

KRAMER

The Hudson, Jerry. We need a river. Interstate commerce. The whole economy would collapse.

JERRY

What did you do to my floor?

KRAMER

Don't worry, it'll come off...(mutters)with a belt sander.

(Jerry wrestles the paint from Kramer)

JERRY

No more paint!

KRAMER

Well what are we going to do for a river?

JERRY

I'll tell you what I'd like to do.

KRAMER

Whoa!

JERRY

What?

KRAMER

You've got a vein there. It looks like you're gonna burst a capillary.

JERRY

Vivian! Hey, what are all these pictures for?

NEWMAN

We needed them to fill out the city. You know, atmosphere.

JERRY

(Bending over to look at the pictures) The Russian Tea Room, Central Park, very nice. What's this one?

KRAMER

That's the alley behind Famous Ray's. Yeah, Newman put that in there.

NEWMAN

Well if it were up to you all we'd have are puppy-dogs and moon pies. I was trying to capture the city's seamy underbelly. The city that never sleeps. Who know what evil lurks in the heart of this great...

JERRY

(Picking up his camera) Is that tomato sauce?

KRAMER

Well you've got to have a slice.

JERRY

(Picks up a puzzle) What is this?

KRAMER

The Guggenheim! It's one of my favorites.

NEWMAN

Yeah, I just picked that up yesterday. Luckily I have contacts in the puzzle industry.

JERRY

Do you still have the box?

KRAMER

Yeah, right here...(Kramer is stuck in the middle of the miniature city. He is struggling to exit without knocking over the models and destroying the puzzles.)

NEWMAN

Kramer, what are you doing?

KRAMER

I'm stuck.

NEWMAN

Kramer, just take it easy.

KRAMER

(Steps on the fresh paint of the "Hudson" and slips, falling, writhing, and ruining the whole setup. Only the Statue of Liberty is left standing, a la the ending of Planet of the Apes. Jerry looks around and sees the box on the counter right beside him.)

JERRY

Oh, never mind. Here it is. (The box is partially wrapped, with an address clearly visible on the label. There is a card in the box, Jerry takes it out and reads it) Happy Birthday Timmy from Uncle... Contacts in the puzzle industry. (Holds it up to his face to get a closer look.) Is that...Dahlia? And Archie?

NEWMAN

(On his knees, staring at the partially broken Statue of Liberty.)

YOU MANIAC. YOU BLEW IT UP. DAMN YOU. GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL. (This is Charlton Heston's line from POTA. It is delivered satirically to tone down the words)

SCENE - THE STREET

(George, Elaine, and Jerry, are walking down the street. There is a car that looks just like George's "Shaggin' Wagon" parked in front of the fruit stand.)

ELAINE

So what happened with you and Vivian?

JERRY

We broke up. I couldn't take it anymore. Every date was like a steel cage match.

ELAINE

What about Dahlia?

JERRY

I tell you I prefer the smiling over the chair to the back of the head.

ELAINE

Well what about the puzzle?

JERRY

Oh, I looked at it again. It can't be them.

ELAINE

Well it better not be. Because if I find out it's him, he's gonna be SORRY he was ever born!

JERRY

Hey, did Archie tell you Kramer bought a car?

ELAINE

He gave him the number? I gonna KILL him!

JERRY

Whoa. (Looking at Elaine)

ELAINE

What? What are you looking at?

JERRY

You've got a vein there.

GEORGE

(Sees the Shaggin' Wagon and starts jumping up and down. Looks at the picture on the puzzle box, and then at the car.) Jerry, that's my car!

JERRY

Oh, my God, the Shaggin' Wagon.

ELAINE

It looks like someone's in there.

JERRY

It looks like a couple people are in there.

GEORGE

Jerry, will you back me up?

JERRY

I'm right here. (To Elaine) If anyone comes out of there, run like hell.

GEORGE

(Looks around for a weapon. Breaks off a tree branch, with the leaves still on it. Goes up to the car and opens the door) That's it, get out!

(Archie emerges with Dahlia)

ELAINE

Archie?

JERRY

Betty?

ARCHIE

(To George) Mr. Weatherby.

JERRY

(To Elaine) Well, Veronica, it looks like it's you and me.

(Kramer and Newman ride by in an old jalopy, like from the Archie comics, and honk the horn.)

THE END
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