Seinfeld
"The Arcades"
Written by Nick Varvaro
__________________________________________________
NOTE: Seriously, I'm only 11.

Opening Stand-Up Scene

Jerry) I'm getting a little of tired of pretending I'm
exited every time it's someone's birthday. I mean,
at this point, what is the big deal? How many more
times do we have to celebrate that somebody was
born? Every year, every person, over and over?
I mean, really, all you did was not die for twelve
months. Is this the big accomplishment?

Act One
Scene A
_____________
Jerry, George, and Elaine at Monk's.

Jerry) I wonder if Superman slept in the nude.
George) Well obviously, everyone does.
Jerry) But that doesn't make sense. I don't
sleep in the nude. He has super powers, why
would he?
George) So just 'cause he has super powers,
that means he's forbidden to sleeping naked.
Jerry) Eh, who cares.
George) Eh.
(Pause)
Elaine) Hey, Jerry, are you doing anything
tonight?
Jerry) I got a date with Nora.
George) How was the first date?
Jerry) Wel, a little interesting. She brought along
her parents.
Elaine) She brough along her parents?
George) On a first date?
Jerry) Yeah. Hope the second date goes better.
George) So you guys ready to go?
Jerry) Alright.
(They get up and leave)

Act One
Scene B
______________
(Outside, they're waiting to cross the street)
George) So, my parents are coming tomorrow.
Jerry) Your parents? That's gonna be rough.
George) I know. They're insane.
(An attractive woman comes up and stands by them,
waiting to cross)
George) My parents are dead to me.
(He says "to me" a little quieter)
Woman) Your parents are dead? Oh, I am so sorry.
(George pretends to look very upset)
George) Yes, they died in a horrible boating accident.
I haven't been the same ever since.
Woman) Oh, that's horrible.
George) I also had a fiance. She died from licking
poisin envelopes.
Woman) You poor thing.
(Jerry and Elaine look at each other, smiling and
shaking their heads)
George) Then my second fiance, Sheila, died in a
terrible plane crash. It was a devistating tradegy.
Woman) Oh, I feel so sorry for you. Hey, would
you like to go to dinner sometime?
George) Well, okay, I guess.
Woman) Here's my number.
(She writes her number down on a peice of paper
and hands it to him)
George) Thank you.
(He pretends to cry a little)
Woman) Goodbye.
George) Bye.
(She walks away)
Jerry) Just that easy.

Act One
Scene C
_____________
Jerry walking to his apartment, in the hall.

(He notices Kramer's door open slightly, and arcade
sounds coming from the room. He opens the door
all the way, Kramer and Newman are playing arcades,
and there's one other between them)
Kramer) Hi, Jerry.
Jerry) What the hell is going on here?
Kramer) Newman and I purchased some arcades. We
even got Dig-dug!
(Newman stops playing and turns around)
Newman) Hello, Jerry.
Jerry) Hello, Newman.
Kramer) We also hired a chef. (shouting) Hey, Pablo,
come out here. I want you to meet someone.
(A dark looking, not black, skinny man in a chef's
hat comes out)
Chef) (mexican accent) Hello.
Jerry) So you couldn't handle the pressures of nothing,
so you hired a chef?
(Jerry begins walking out)
Kramer) Hey, Jerry, feel free to...
(Jerry slams the door quickly)
(He walks into his apartment)
(In Jerry's apartment)
(He throws his keys down on the table and takes his
jacket off. The intercom thing buzzes or whatever you
call it. Jerry answers. )
Jerry) Yeah?
Elaine) Elaine.
Jerry) Come on up.
(Kramer enters)
Kramer) Hey, Jerry, you got any pistachios?
Jerry) Pistachios?
Kramer) Yeah, you know, those peanut things?
Jerry) I don't know. Didn't you just get a chef?
(Elaine enters, Kramer leaves)
Elaine) Hey.
Jerry) Hey. What's going on?
Elaine) Oh, I just met this guy. He is incredible! He's a
postal worker.
Jerry) A postal worker?
Elaine) Yeah.
Jerry) You know Newman stopped working there.
Elaine) He quit the post office?
Jerry) No, he's still getting checks. He's just not going
there anymore. No one knows about yet. Then
again, I don't really know how much work is being
done down there anyway.
(Elaine slightly laughs)
Jerry) Well, I gotta go.
Elaine) Why?
Jerry) Got a date with Nora in a half hour.
Elaine) Who?
Jerry) Nora. Parents on the first date?
Elaine) Oh, right.
(Jerry leaves)
(Elaine sits down on the couch and begins
watching TV)

Act One
Scene D
_______________
George is in his apartment, fake crying, sitting on the couch
with Mellisa, the woman from the street.

(Mellisa has a sincere look on her face, almost crying)
George) The boat went down, and, uh, we had to abandon
ship. Excuse me.
(He really pushes the fake crying)
Mellisa) Oh, that's terrible. Here.
(She hands him a tissue)
George) I remember looking out into the sea, knowing my
parents had drowned. It was a terrible feeling.
(He completely stops the fake crying)
George) So let's say you and I go to the movies?
Mellisa) (crying) Okay.
(They leave)

Act Two
Scene A
________________
Jerry and Carol at a fancy restaurant, seated, no one else at table.

Carol) This food is very good. Thanks for dinner, Jerry.
Jerry) Oh, you're welcome. No parents this time, huh?
Carol) No, but I did bring someone else along. Lauren, Danny,
come out here.
(A 25 year old fat woman and a 22 year old skinny man come out)
Carol) Jerry, this is my brother and sister.
Danny and Lauren) Hi!
Jerry) (uncomfortably) Hel...lo.
Lauren) It's so nice to meet you!
Jerry) It's...nice to meet you too.
Carol) I'd also like you to meet one of my co-workers, Andrew Robin.
(Jerry stares uncomfortably in shock, kind of frowning oddly)
Andy) Hi, Jerry! I've heard alot about you!
Jerry) (kind of quietly) I wish I could say the same.

Act Two
Scene B
________________
Jerry's sitting watching TV in his apartment.

(Kramer enters)
Kramer) Hey, Jerry, I've got some bad news.
Jerry) (kind of quietly) You're finally moving out?
Kramer) Mabye! Apparently I can't afford the apartment anymore.
Jerry) How HAVE you been able to afford the apartment all this time?
Kramer) It doesn't matter. The point is I can't afford it now. So I
wanna ask you something. Can I stay at your place for awhile?
Jerry) Out of the question.
Kramer) Why? I thought we were good friends.
Jerry) Well I do have that extra bed in that room with the bike, and
you already live on my food anyway.
Kramer) See?
Jerry) Alright, what the hell.
Kramer) Great!
(He opens the door)
Kramer) Alright, bring 'em in.
(Two men, already standing at the door, ready to push the arcades
in begins pushing them in)
Jerry) Alright, alright, hold it a second!
(The movers stop)
Jerry) Hold it, you are not.. keeping those things in here!
Kramer) Why not?
Jerry) Because it's rediculous! I don't have room for that in here.
Kramer) Well sure you do! C'mon, Jerry!
(Jerry stops and thinks for a second, slightly shaking his head)
Jerry) (reluctantly) Alright.
(They bring them in)
Jerry) Under one condition, Newman isn't allowed...
(Newman enters)
Jerry) Oh, c'mon!
Newman) I helped pay for them.
Kramer) Oh, this is gonna be so great.
(Jerry covers his forehead with his hand, shaking his head)

Act Two
Scene C
________________
Elaine's boyfriends' apartment.

Elaine) You know, Marcus, I have a friend, (quieter) sort of,
who works at the post office. You might know him. Newman?
Marcus) Oh, I know Newman. I haven't seen him around for
awhile.
Elaine) Well, he's been...at...home...for awhile.
Marcus) You mean he hasn't been going to the post office?
Elaine) Well...no.
Marcus) And he's still getting paid?
Elaine) Yes.
Marcus) Hey, that's a good idea. Mabye I'll try that! Where's
Newman, I want to talk to him.
Elaine) Oh, no.
Marcus) What?
Elaine) You can't be friends with Newman. I hate Newman.
Marcus) I thought you said he was your friend.

Act Two
Scene D
________________
Jerry's apartment, night.

(Newman and Kramer are playing arcades)
(Jerry comes out from his bed room)
Jerry) What the hell are you guys doing? It's 3:30.
Kramer) Well, I live here now Jerry.
(Jerry makes a weird face, shakes his head
and goes back to bed)

Act Two
Scene E

George and Mellisa together at a fancy restaurant.

Mellisa) Thanks for dinner, George.
George) Oh, my pleasure.
Mellisa) Will you excuse me for a second? I have
to go to the bathroom.
George) Okay.
(She gets up and walks into the bathroom)
(George notices Frank sitting a table ahead of them)
George) Dad?!
Frank) Hello, George.
George) Where's mom?
Frank) She's in the ladies room.
George) Oh my god!
Frank) What?
Gerge) Oh, nothing.
In George's Head) There's no way they'll begin talking.
Nothing to worry about.

Act Two
Scene F

(Woman's Bathroom. Mellisa comes out from the stall, begins
walking out, Estelle begins walking out with her)
Mellisa) Hi.
Estelle) Oh, hi.
Mellisa) I'm Mellisa Yates.
Estelle) Estelle Costanza. It's nice to meet you.
Mellisa) Costanza?
Estelle) Yes.....?
Mellisa) Do you have a son, George?
Estelle) Yes.
Mellisa) Are you his orignal mother?
Estelle) Yes, I'm his orignal mother. Why are you asking me
these questions.
Mellisa) He told me you died in a boating accident.
Estelle) Boating accident? I've never been in a boating
accident.

Act Two
Scene G

(George alone at table in restaurant)
George) Don't, worry, George, nothing can go wrong.
(Mellisa comes up and dumps her water on George quickly.
She walks away. George maintains the same facial expression,
as if he expected it to happen. He nods)
George) Well, you've done it again, God. You've done it again.

Act Three
Scene A

(Jerry's apartment. Jerry is sitting on the couch, Newman,
Kramer, and Marcus are playing arcades. Elaine enters)
Marcus) Oh, hi, Elaine.
Elaine) Hi, Marcus. Look , can you come over here for a second?
(Marcus stops playing and goes to the other side of the room
with Elaine)
Marcus) What is it?
Elaine) We have to break up.
Marcus) Break up? But why?
Elaine) You've become good friends with Newman. And I have
to like my boyfriends' friends. At least to a certain degree.

Act Three
Scene B

(Jerry and Carol fancy restuarnt, alone together){
Jerry) I haev a suprise for you, Carol.
Carol) Yeah? A suprise?
Jerry) Yep. I'd like you to meet my parents.
(Jerry's parents come in restaurant)
Helen) Hello, it's nice to meet you.
(Carol looks uncomfortable)
Carol) Uh...hi.
Jerry) What? you brought along YOUR parents.
Carol) Well, that was only on the first and second date. The
third date is different.
Jerry) How ome I wasn't aware of this parent dating thing?
Carol) It's just a little strange.
Jerry) A little strange? You brought along co-workers! I
just did this to make you feel more comfortable.
Carol) Goodbye Jerry.
(Carol leaves)
Jerry) What is wrong with her?
Helen) Now SHE'S cute.
(Jerry looks at her uncomfortably, with kind of a
questioning look on his face)